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• The White House said Friday a peace deal between Israel, Hamas and Hezbollah is off the table after last week's electronic beeper attacks in Lebanon threatened to spread. Here in L.A. the house next door to me suddenly exploded and burst into flames. My neighbor tried to eat my cat so I paged him.
• Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa suffered his third concussion while being tackled two weeks ago and placed on the injured list. Many friends and TV commentators are urging Tua to retire now, saying he may have already suffered serious brain damage. He could always go into politics.
• Rap music mogul P. Diddy was charged with sex trafficking minors, conspiracy and racketeering and then denied bail. He has videotapes of all the celebrities, athletes and politicians who participated in his L.A. house parties. I'm going to jump ahead on this one and say P. Diddy didn't kill himself either.
• Janet Jackson posted an abject apology Saturday after telling the London Guardian interviewer she doesn't think that Kamala Harris is really black. If anybody should know better, it's Janet. I'd say that Kamala's skin tone puts her somewhere between 1973 Michael Jackson and 2005 Michael Jackson.
• President Biden called a meeting of his entire cabinet in the cabinet room of the White House on Friday. And in a move no one's ever seen before in history, Joe whirled in his seat and left his wife Jill in charge of the cabinet meeting. And what's worse, he left Hunter in charge of the medicine cabinet.
• Donald Trump's would-be assassin Ryan Routh was hauled into court in Florida Monday while his manifesto was released by the Justice Department. Trump is not the only presidential candidate in harm's way. Kamala Harris is safe and in stable condition after an attempted interview on Sunday.
• Oprah Winfrey conducted an interview with a wary Kamala Thursday. Kamala approaches each interview with the apprehension she'd feel if she pulled into her driveway and saw the cars of all her friends parked outside ahead of her arrival. She's not sure if it'll be a surprise party or an intervention.
• CBS News trumpeted a list of neo-con Republicans who served under George W. Bush who will vote for Kamala. Two hundred Republicans have gone on record for Kamala Harris instead of for Trump. At the least, Trump now knows what it feels like when someone leaves you for a younger woman.
• Senator Josh Hawley demanded answers from the Secret Service Monday after a whistleblower said that the vulnerable spot where Trump's golf course shooter was perched was well know to the agents. There are five known teams out to assassinate Trump. Six, if you count The Women of the View.
• The Los Angeles Times reported Kamala Harris leading Trump in California by 25 points in the latest poll. Some scattered areas of California are still conservative. One afternoon last week I was in Bakersfield, and based on the yard signs I saw, Kamala will finish third behind Trump and Garage Sale.
• CNN says North Carolina GOP governor candidate Mark Robinson called himself a Black Nazi online ten years ago. It's stupidly dangerous to self-identify as a swaggering anti-Semite in today's climate. If we've learned anything in the past week, it's that everybody's a gangsta until you get paged in Hebrew.
• Vladimir Putin and his government is now pushing for a higher birth rate and even encouraging Russians to have sex during office working hours. I can remember in the late '70s when Hollywood encouraged the same policy. It did not increase the birth rate, but for ten years nobody was late for work.
• The Texas State Fair hoisted the huge Big Tex statue at the Cotton Bowl fairgrounds in Dallas Friday ahead of this week's opening. The city's been plagued by swirling dust storms. Meteorologists believe somebody must have opened the Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl trophy case and left the door open.
• Pope Francis returned to Rome following a trip to Indonesia where he urged the island nation to venerate their religious diversity as a national mosaic. While he was in Indonesia, a rabbi and a Muslim leader joined the pope. I can't be the only one hoping that at some point they walked into a bar.
• Entertainment Weekly published a complete guide Friday of all the network TV shows that will premiere in the next four weeks. It so happens this week marks the 40th anniversary of the premiere of The Cosby Show sitcom on NBC. To celebrate, everyone should take a drink followed by a 14-hour nap.
• The New York Post reports hip hop music mogul P. Diddy was placed on suicide watch after he was arraigned and jailed on charges of conspiracy, sex trafficking and racketeering. The judge has deemed him a flight risk and denied bail. The good news is, he still gets to live in a gated community.
• Bobby Kennedy got in a sexting relationship with a Washington, D.C., reporter this year uncovering dozens of affairs, honoring the Kennedy mission statement. Some men see a woman sitting alone on a barstool at 2 in the morning and ask themselves, why? Other men see the same thing and say why not?
• Kamala Harris took fire for her support of free sex change operations for criminal illegal aliens in U.S. prisons. Technology has made the procedure easy. In her defense, Trump's pal Bibi Netanyahu is not only providing free sex change operations for foreign criminals, he' is doing it by remote control.
• Iran's press denounced the attacks by Israeli intelligence on Hezbollah in Lebanon by detonating communications devices by electronic signal. Just imagine all the anger in Teheran. The Ayatollah was having enough trouble getting his grandkids to pull his finger before exploding pagers came along.
• Israel sabotaged Hezbollah in Lebanon last week by using spies to plant communication devices on Hezbollah leaders that explode on signal. I always look at the bright side. If anything good came out of the Middle East last week, it's that finally there's a way to keep kids from staring at phones all day.
• The House of Representatives unanimously passed a bill to increase Secret Service protection for presidential candidates Friday. As luck would have it, the next day in Washington, D.C., while on duty a Secret Service agent accidentally shot himself. He was immediately assigned to protect Trump.
• Donald Trump promised voters last week he'll eliminate federal taxes on overtime pay on top of his previous pledges to eliminate taxes on tips and Social Security. He should stop there. Trump could invite Russia to join NATO and end all taxation but the defense establishment won't miss him a 3rd time.
• Donald Trump ripped his opponent over illegal immigration Saturday before a huge crowd in North Carolina. The former president pointed out the terrific strain that the influx of migrants is putting on city resources. In a related story, the Springfield Animal Shelter is now accepting food stamps.
• Barack Obama addressed Democrats in Beverly Hills Friday and hailed the demographic change in America that's disrupting the old order. He revels in being disrupter-in-chief. Barack Obama sees himself as the greatest threat to Anglo-Saxon hegemony since water hazards were added to golf courses.
• Donald Trump campaigned in North Carolina Saturday amid a CNN story saying GOP governor candidate Mark Robinson described himself on a porn website 10 years as a Black Nazi. Yesterday the reaction was swift. The American Nazi Party issued a statement reminding Robinson that some restrictions apply.
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