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• President Biden tested negative for Covid at the White House before flying to India on Thursday while his wife Jill was self-isolating with Covid. The latest CNN poll showed Biden losing to Nikki Haley, Donald Trump, Ron DeSantis and Chris Christie. Apparently even the virus prefers Jill over Joe.
• Donald Trump tried Thursday to move his trial to federal court out of Georgia. The most Loyal colony in the American Revolution later seceded from the Union and is turning so blue today it might secede from the South. Georgia is too small to be a republic and too large to be an insane asylum.
• Mick Jagger announced to cheering fans Wednesday the Rolling Stones will be releasing a new album in October. Mick Jagger is eighty years old and still singing Start Me Up. Joe Biden is eighty years old and singing Help Me Up while Mitch McConnell is eighty years old and singing Wake Me Up.
• Fox News reports Special Counsel David Weiss will indict Hunter Biden in three weeks for lying about drug use on his gun application. MSNBC later reported his lawyer is proceeding as if his plea deal is still in effect. Every morning Fox News throws Hunter in jail and every afternoon MSNBC sets him free.
• Los Angeles Dodgers pitching star Julio Urias was arrested and booked in L.A. County jail on charges of felony domestic violence and spousal battery last week. Julio was arrested late at night after the police responded to an emergency call to his home. If convicted he could get five to ten years in the NFL.
• The Texas Supreme Court denied an appeal by Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who is trying to quash a lawsuit brought against him by a woman for unwanted kissing and groping. She's suing him for sexual assault. Jerry Jones is eighty years old so it's a clear case of assault with a dead weapon.
• Senator Mitch McConnell assured the Senate Republican Caucus Wednesday that his doctor has given him a clean bill of health despite his recent shutdowns onstage. The week wasn't all bad news for the Senate Minority Leader. Disney just offered Mitch McConnell a pile of money to star in Frozen 3.
• The White House couldn't protect Jill from Covid last week after Joe Biden caught Covid in the White House in July 2022, and Donald Trump caught Covid in the White House in October of 2020. Every time a president catches Covid, half of the country is disappointed. They promised us it was fatal.
• The Wall Street Journal reports a slowdown in home building due to high commodity prices and shortages of land and skilled labor. Lumber is pushing the cost of home building through the roof. Construction lumber is so expensive in Los Angeles that today I saw a termite with an EBT card.
• The Pentagon plans to launch a website that will reveal classified material it has on UFOs and react to sightings. Lately one reported UFO turned out to be a Chinese spy balloon that the U.S. finally shot down. Last week the Pentagon shot down a Mexican spy balloon and now there is candy all over El Paso.
• The U.S. Tennis Open in New York faced complaints about playing conditions due to the record-setting heat back East. It's so hot in New York they re-wrote the plaque on the Stature of Liberty. It's now inscribed, Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning for central air conditioning.
• A Delta Airlines flight from Atlanta to Barcelona underwent a gross experience the passengers will talk about forever. The flight had to turn around after an hour and fly back to Atlanta when one of the passengers seated in the coach section got a case of explosive diarrhea. I can't even get peanuts.
• Kamala Harris declared that she may have to take over if President Biden is unable to complete his term in office Tuesday. She's firming up DNC support to ward off any 2024 primary opponents. Gavin can only challenge her for the nomination if he gets a really dark tan and identifies as a woman.
• President Biden caused concern again Tuesday when he walked offstage in the middle of a White House Medal of Honor awards ceremony. Joe simply walked offstage and strolled up the aisle and out of the room leaving hundreds of guests baffled. I think he must have heard the ice cream truck go by.
• President Biden agreed to be tested for Covid Thursday before he boarded Air Force One to fly to India to participate in the annual G 20 Summit. He's wearing his favorite old face mask for old time's sake. It's the same mask he wore when he held up Ukraine, China and Romania.
• President Biden canceled all existing oil leases in the Arctic National Forest. Climate change began fifty years ago when oil men turned GOP and stopped donating to Democrats over school busing. In 1973 there were ten thousand polar bears in the Arctic and today only thirty thousand remain.
• Donald Trump said he will gladly testify in his own defense at his four trials. It'll be Trump vs. Georgia Democrats, a porn star, the National Archives and claims of a stolen election. If nothing else Trump's presidency will go down in history as the most entertainment ever delivered for a dollar a year.
• Elon Musk blamed the Anti-Defamation League for hounding his advertisers off Twitter. No wave of anti-Semitism is likely to result. America is so China-phobic, Russo-phobic, Gluten-phobic, Trump-phobic and Biden-phobic that anti-Semitism is lucky if it pops up during Throwback Thursday.
• North Korea released a photo of Kim Jung Un and his generals while Kim talked on the phone with Putin. It shows Kim speaking on a land-line phone, closely surrounded by a half-dozen pals who look anxious to hear the result of the conversation. He looks like the only guy who can get coke at 5 a.m.
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