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• New York Attorney General Letitia James filed a lawsuit against Trump and his kids alleging they inflated the value of their N.Y. real estate to banks to secure loans. I have his legal strategy. Trump needs to quickly rob somebody on the street with an ax to make sure N.Y. prosecutors don't put him in jail.
• Martha's Vineyard residents said they arranged to have the fifty foreign migrants sent off to an army base rather than keep them there. The Island was originally settled in the 18th Century by religiously devout Methodist Episcopal missionaries. Five times every day they answered the Call to Golf.
• President Biden alarmed government scientists last Sunday when he told CBS' 60 Minutes that the pandemic is over. In reaction the Director of the CDC Rochelle Wolensky told a TV interviewer on Friday that the pandemic is FAR from over. I know how she feels, I'm the same way about the Civil War.
• JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon faced the Senate Finance Committee and he explained Congress' part in the dissolving economy. Even my Monopoly game is out of money. My next door neighbor is 24 and she has only two more years on her mom's health insurance, and then she has to get a new mother.
• The CIA shot down a report leaked out of Moscow from a Russian oligarch which claimed that Vladimir Putin is sick with a blood cancer and could die soon. The diagnosis is baseless but not the end result. The good news is, Putin is going to die soon, the bad news is, he's taking us all with him.
• Vladimir Putin showed signs of cracking in the face of serious military setbacks in Ukraine Friday as well as anti-war protests in Moscow. This week three hundred thousand Russians were called into military service. It's the most number of Russians deployed for action since the June shipment of brides.
• Reuters last week reported that Russia and Ukraine reached a deal in April to halt the war and Ukraine agreed not to join NATO, but Putin nixed it. And now how badly is the Russian economy doing? Yesterday Putin had to try to kill one of his opponents by getting him to walk through Poison Ivy.
• President Biden was in New York Thursday raising cash for the Democratic National Committee at a luncheon in a hotel ballroom. He said a GOP Congress would halt our progress. Later, the president paused outside the hotel and asked a homeless man if he could buy two cracks for Hunter.
• Martha's Vineyard residents were praised by CNN for so graciously greeting the fifty immigrants before evicting them the next day. No one was hit by a wild golf shot. Martha's Vineyard has four golf courses and Barack Obama never knows which one he's going to play until he hits his first tee shot.
• The Chicago Tribune reported the two winners of the Powerball Jackpot Lottery eight weeks ago came forward to claim the billion dollar prize Tuesday. The winners bought two tickets and agreed to split if either won. They said they want to stay Anonymous, so we know they aren't celebrity alcoholics.
• Woody Allen is shooting his fiftieth movie in Paris this week and assured entertainment reporters he has no plans to retire. In a related story Prince Andrew was created the Earl of Inverness. I didn't realize that MAP stood for Minor Attracted Person until I sold my personalized license plates to R. Kelly.
• President Biden gave a speech to the opening session of the United Nations General Assembly that aired live worldwide. Biden started his speech saying his Inflation Reduction Act will help to defeat climate change. It's always best to open with a good joke to get the crowd on your side.
• The Pentagon said it needs more funds for U.S. defense against cruise and hypersonic missiles. My generation has come a long way in attack preparation since Duck and Cover drills in grade school. With Putin's latest threat to trigger a nuclear war over Ukraine I've decided not to binge watch anything.
• Vladimir Putin ordered Russia airlines to stop selling tickets to men between the ages of eighteen and sixty-five. He then warned the world he might deploy atomic weapons against Ukraine. The way things are going for Putin, the Chernobyl nuclear accident probably gave the Ukrainians herd immunity.
• The Senate Intelligence Committee heard testimony from Big Tech security analysts who express a growing concern about China's ability to infiltrate U.S. intelligence through Tik-Tok. Apparently even the Taliban wants to ban Tik-Tok. They've got their own version to replace it called Tik-Tok Boom!
• Pakistan demanded more flood money relief from the U.S. and Britain on Tuesday. The country is a nuclear-armed power engaged in a seventy-five-year Cold War with India over possession of the Kashmir. Having Pakistan as an ally is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem and no car.
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