Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

A U.S. Border Patrol agent halted a million rabbits trying to flee Texas into Mexico Friday and the Head Rabbit told the guard Biden had ordered that all pigs in the U.S. be slaughtered. The guard said but you're not pigs, you're rabbits. We know that, shouted the Head Rabbit, but try telling THAT to the FBI!

• President Biden gave a speech at Independence Hall Thursday on a stage backlit by ominous dark red tones. He identified the nation's internal enemies as his political opponent last election and ripped them as extremists. It was a scary speech but not nearly as scary as it was in the original German.

• President Biden in his televised speech Thursday tried to strike a balance between vilifying MAGA and striking an optimistic tone so he ended saying we've just turned the corner on Covid, on inflation, on climate change and on extremism. We've just turned four corners. We're right back where we started.

• President Biden spoke to the nation Thursday from Philadelphia's Independence Hall. It's where the Constitution was signed in 1787 giving a U.S. president far more power than the King of England. Today Britain is a republic disguised as a monarchy while the U.S. is a monarchy disguised as a republic.

• The Labor Department said there are thirteen million job openings going unfilled Tuesday which economists say fuels inflation. We're bracing for the worst here on Sunset Boulevard. California is about to experience a shortage of strippers now that they don't have to pay off their college education.

• The Supreme Court was asked by conservative Jewish religious school Yeshiva University to block a New York state order that the school allow an LGBTQ club on campus. I believe tolerance is self beneficial. Right now, I'm on my way to the bank to change the gender of my home loan to student loan.

• The White House claimed progress in the opioid addiction epidemic on Wednesday by designating Wednesday to be National Opioid Overdose Awareness Day. It brings back a lot of fond memories. I was born in the southeast area of Oklahoma that's called Little Dixie, so my birthstone IS crystal meth.

• The Wall Street Journal reported that Morgan Stanley is ordering their investment bankers to return to work at the office and stop working at home. Here's a home workplace tip they pass along to each other. Blowing on the wine in your cup will help convince your online office meeting that your tea is hot.

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• A Florida judge heard arguments from Trump and DOJ lawyers Thursday over whether a Special Master should be appointed to decide which seized papers belong to Trump. Just using the term Special Master in this case makes Progressives uneasy. It sounds like the FBI raided Uncle Tom's Cabin.

• President Biden sounded the alarm again Tuesday declaring that climate change was an existential threat to our nation's security. I miss the good old days when terrorism was the world's number-one enemy. I'd like to think that the massive flooding in Pakistan this week was caused by a suicide plumber.

• President Biden gave a speech in Pennsylvania in support of the police Tuesday and vowed to fund the police. He's bucking his party's left wing in the state. The Cancel Culture wants to tear down the statue of Rocky in front of Philadelphia City Hall because he beat up three black guys and a communist.

• The California Air Quality Management Board decreed Friday that no gas-powered vehicles may be sold in the state of California starting in 2035. Talk about out-of-touch with America. It's a fact if you put every gas-powered vehicle end-to-end on our nation's roads, it would be Labor Day Weekend.

• California Edison warned the heat wave is over-taxing the power grid and told electric car drivers not to charge their cars. They've outlawed the sale of gas cars in 2035. If oil companies don't start donating to Democrats, illegal aliens who walked to the U.S. will be the only ones in shape to go anywhere.

• NBC News reported that the Food and Drug Administration is clamping down on Juul and Puff Bars because of the number of teenagers who have begun vaping fruit-scented tobacco products. Vaping is weird. You walk past a group of dudes that look like gangsters but they smell like strawberries.

• Russia's government will hold a state funeral for Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev on Saturday in Moscow in the Kremlin. I don't want to say Gorby quarreled with Putin, but next to his deathbed was a spilled glass of wine. No one wants to be the guy who catches the wreath at a Russian state funeral.

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