Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• The FedEx Cup Championship is at East Lake Golf Club in Atlanta with $10 million going to the winner. Tiger Woods humiliated the course in 2007 with a record low 257. Afterwards the club decided to Tiger-proof it by narrowing the road to the club from 4 lanes to 2 and removing the guardrails.

• The Weather Channel reported that an ominous tropical storm has formed in the Atlantic this weekend, which is expected to bring much-needed rains to the northeastern Caribbean. As luck would have it, the potential hurricane is named Dolly. Heaven help any town or island in its path named Jolene.

• President Trump raised the ante in the Canada trade war Thursday signing an order renaming Lake Ontario to Lake America. Hey, if the U.S. can change the name of Euro football to soccer, nothing may stop Trump from renaming Canada's national game of hockey. He would likely rename it Puck Off.

• Canada's government bristled at Trump's order Thursday changing the name of Lake Ontario to Lake America. Canada's Prime Minister Carney retaliated in the nastiest way possible by ordering all of Canada's sewer lines to be re-routed and connected to Lake America. He's calling it Lake Mexico.

• The Girl Scouts of America denied reports it's offering merit badges for studying Islam's Five Pillars of Wisdom and visiting mosques. However, local chapters are allowed to offer merit badges for activity in various religions. In Michigan a Brownie becomes a Girl Scout the day she gets married.

• Realtor Magazine says Generation Z are buying houses earlier than Millennials did by buying fixer-up properties. About 20% of our audience at the Comedy Store every night consists of these young adults. I love them, even though Gen Z's would unplug my life support to re-charge their phones.

• Oklahoma Democrat Senate candidate Jasmine Thomas went psychotic on TikTok Tuesday, cutting up GOP photos and screaming about capitalism, ICE agents and Trump. She's a native of the Chickasaw Nation. She's so embarrassed Elizabeth Warren finally admitted she's an Anglo-Saxon.

• CIA chief John Ratcliffe flew to Moscow to meet with the chief of Russia's intelligence service, Alexander Bortnikov, and they agreed on an important security issue. Neither want the next James Bond to be cast as a transgender woman. What'll they call the movie, On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix?

• Russia issued a threat to Britain warning Russia will attack British installations in Ukraine and elsewhere if Ukraine uses UK missiles. Any strike on British soil would prompt a NATO response. It might be worth it just to see Germany on the winning side of a world war for the first time in their history.

• Malibu Canyon residents expressed anger at the slow pace of building permits after last year's fire. Two types of people live in Malibu Canyon, very old ex-hippies and very rich music executives. Last year, it was so inspiring to watch them fighting the wild fires together, helping to save each other's drugs.

• The Regina Police Service in Canada last weekend executed what they call a high-risk traffic stop in the U.S.-bordering province of Saskatchewan. The police found sniper rifles, bear spray and 2.1 kilos of cocaine. The driver explained to police he was taking part in a Penn State fraternity scavenger hunt.

• The Coast Guard seized 7,000 pounds of cocaine worth $54 million Friday. The 5,000 pounds of coke were brought ashore where the 2,000 pounds were put in a truck that hauled the 1,000 pounds to the police station. The evidence locker cop signed for the 3 grams of coke for the DA's misdemeanor charge.

• King Charles expressed the condolences from the Royal Family on the passing of Dolly Parton, expressing their love of the superstar. The Buckingham Palace guard bands played 9 to 5 in Dolly's honor. Prince Harry and Meghan had just returned home to England, speaking of never working 9 to 5.

• Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent went on TV and launched Operation Outcast against the regime in Iran on Monday. He called it an Economic D-Day against the Mullahs, which confused a lot of country music fans. Most of us grew up assuming that D-Day was Dolly Parton's 14th birthday.

• Dolly Parton was praised Tuesday as a brilliant singer-songwriter who parlayed her crossover appeal into movie stardom and as a theme park magnate. She inspired millions of young women to be just like her. Today there are drive-thru plastic surgery centers all over Los Angeles called Jiffy Boob.

• The USS George Washington arrived in the Gulf Tuesday to relieve the USS Lincoln as concerns mounted over who is leading Iran. That day it was reported that the Ayatollah Khameini is either dead or existing in a vegetative state. The country is actually being run by his wife, Jill Khameini.

• New Orleans will mark the 21st anniversary of Hurricane Katrina Saturday with a rally and a healing ceremony. The flooding did have one funny moment. Who could forget President George W. Bush standing in knee-deep water in the French Quarter and vowing that we will get whoever did this.

• The Canada-U.S. tariff war raged between trade officials in both nations Wednesday. The U.S. should be careful. The U.S. is enduring a salmonella outbreak from jalapenos and explosive diarrhea epidemic from Taco Bell, and Canada makes all our toilet paper. Canada could wipe us off the map.

• San Francisco 49ers owner Jed York was arrested in a trailer park in Ohio for soliciting an undercover agent posing as a prostitute for $169 dollars. York is a legendarily brilliant contract negotiator. During his arrest, he thought he was getting a bargain because she handcuffed him for free.

• L.A. Lakers minority owner Jeannie Buss held up the sale of the Lakers team Tuesday. She has a connection to stand-up comedy. Jeannie married my friend comic Jay Mohr and her brother bought the iconic comedy club the Ice House in Pasadena, where no Hispanic will perform, just in case.

• President Trump helped South Carolina GOP Senator Darlene Graham and Oklahoma GOP governor primary candidate Mike Mazzei win on Tuesday. Trump's wildly popular in the South. To sew up their wins Trump gave two speeches for them and issued a presidential pardon for ketchup on eggs.

• President Trump prompted serious concerns in U.S.-ally South Korea this week by his refusal to commit U.S. forces to war games against an imaginary attack by North Korea. South Korea is his ally but Kim Jung Un is his friend. Trump cheerfully admitted to reporters that all Korea's look alike to him.

• Democratic Socialists claimed two candidates for the U.S. Senate in the last two primaries. Pundits say the DSA is playing right into Trump's hands. They want to get rid of the Senate, the Supreme Court and the presidency and Trump would LOVE two more terms without the Senate and Supreme Court.

• Politico reported Democratic presidential candidates are moving gradually to the center to be more electable. AOC is moving to the center while Newsom is moving to the left. Last week Gavin fell behind AOC in the 2028 presidential polls prompting Gavin to announce he's having his eggs frozen.

• The National Weather Bureau reported that some towns in Oklahoma just endured their 30th consecutive day of temperatures exceeding 100 degrees. It's all being monitored by Mission Control. NASA is using August in Oklahoma to train Oklahomans to be the first astronauts to walk on the Sun.

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