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• New Mexico lawmakers put forth a bill criminalizing satire, making it a crime to share deceptive material likely to injure a politician's career. Political jokes could get you 5 years in New Mexico. It now looks like my column was canceled by the Albuquerque Journal last fall by Divine Intervention.
• Philadelphia Eagles legend Jason Kelce aired an issue ad for his Garage Beer by downing a beer then peeing in a jar and asking you to send your pee to an AI data center to save the water supply. Jason stands at a urinal and converts his beer into pee. In college, that's how we used to recycle Coors.
• Caitlyn Jenner insists the WNBA should let chromosomes alone decide eligibility. In the 70s as Bruce Jenner he was TV pitchman for Tropicana Orange Juice while O.J. Simpson pitched for Tree Sweet Orange Juice. And I kept my sex and didn't kill anybody as the pitchman for Beer and Blow.
• The Hollywood Reporter reports that the movie Spider Man Brand New Day passed $2 billion at the box office, netting the star Tom Holland a $100 million payday. Holland has amassed a huge fortune playing Spider Man in 7 movies. It has every out-of-work actor in Hollywood climbing the walls.
• The United Arab Emirates joined the trade boycott of Iran Friday. The international embargo has prevented vegetables and produce from Mexico from reaching Iran for the last six months. So as a result, Iranians can eat at Taco Bell and not get any sicker afterwards than they normally would.
• The FBI seized the mobile devices of former Congressman Eric Swalwell Thursday as part of its probe into drug rape charges. He's been accused by four different women of sexual assault. In the middle of all this Eric had an affair with a Chinese spy just to give consensual sex the old college try.
• The New York Post reports Michigan Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed's mother once worked for an Islamist terrorist funding group. And today's slang doesn't exactly help Muslim candidates. The FBI really has its hands full tracking all these Democratic Socialists telling voters that they're the bomb.
• The FBI arrested an American Muslim convert woman inspired online by ISIS for allegedly plotting to blow up the New York State Capitol building. New York Governor Kathy Hochul responded angrily to the threat, calling ISIS the network of death. Apparently, she has never heard of Kaiser Permanente.
• Car & Driver says BMW led all American-made luxury cars in sales followed by the Cadillac Escalade. They're the highest-selling domestic luxury vehicles but not the most expensive. The three costliest vehicles that are manufactured in America are the Acura MDX, the Tesla and the Grocery Cart.
• The New York Post reports the Somali woman who won Minnesota's Outstanding Refugee Award was accused of a fraud scheme tied to sex trafficking Friday. The day before, 2 Somali women were shown on security cameras fist fighting each other inside a Target store. Who says immigrants can't assimilate?
• President Trump told a N.Y. crowd last Friday he plans to annex the Strait of Hormuz as U.S. territory. Doing so could provide him with a golden opportunity to display bi-partisanship. President Trump could pay tribute to Kamala, Pete Hegseth and the Pelosi's by renaming it the Strait of Vermouth.
• papers to enter the WNBA draft. For the WNBA to survive, the commissioner may have to jettison its woke ideology. If the WNBA doesn't draw the line, Dick's won't just be the league's sporting goods sponsors.
• The Democratic Socialists of America candidates swarmed the primaries Tuesday, splitting the party between Moderate and Progressive wings. It's all consuming. Brad Pitt just abandoned seven years of sobriety, claiming he can drink moderately, and now Progressives are boycotting his movies
• President Trump pulled the U.S. out of war games with South Korea, telling reporters that he and North Korea's Kim Jung Un get along so there's no reason to practice attacking his country. I can see how their interests coincide. Donald Trump and Kim Jung Un share the same enemy, Supercuts.
• President Trump struck a deal Wednesday that rescinded Trump's announced 50% tariff on all Canadian goods. The last time Canadians invaded the United States in 1814 they burned the White House, causing half of it to be torn down. Trump heard this last year and said, hold my Diet Coke.
• President Trump took reporters outside Wednesday to show off the new granite White House driveway and make a pitch to the Supreme Court for his ballroom construction. He doesn't just talk the talk. If you rent the presidential suite at Mar a Lago, you're allowed to bulldoze the eastern part of it.
• Michigan Democratic Socialist Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed is portrayed in a post comparing himself to Jesus due to his support for Medicare for all. It's insane. I'm living a world where a Muslim compares himself to Jesus for wanting me to ditch my Jewish doctor for government health care.
• Roll Call reports the U.S. Senate recessed for August with the Daylight Savings Act likely to be passed on their return and signed into law. The Act does not give you an extra hour of sleep every year. The Democratic Socialists take that hour of sleep from you and give it to somebody more deserving.
• China's top stand-up comic was arrested for satirizing a communist party revolution song while performing two weeks ago. I'd better never perform a parody of We Shall Overcome. California Democrats have the same sense of humor as Chinese communists and the Comedy Store tapes everything.
• Newsweek reported that a huge number of Californians are moving to Tennessee and Texas and Florida. Before leaving their state, they think the South is going to be all barbecue and country music and Confederate flags. And then they move there and they're so happy to find out they were right.
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