Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• President Trump was accused of cowardice by Democrats after he sneaked off Air Force One in a catering truck at Turkey's airport to dodge a missile attack threat on the plane from Iran. It all has a nice ending. Qatar just announced it will gift President Trump with a $400 million catering truck.

• Disney ex-CEO Bob Iger just bought the L.A. Lakers from Mark Walter for $12 billion. In 2024 Walter bought the Lakers from Jeannie Buss for $10 billion. That made Iran's decision to go nuclear the 2nd stupidest mistake of the 21st century after Phil Jackson's decision to breakup with Jeannie Buss.

• The NAACP accused the LAPD of racial profiling in pulling over suspects. L.A. was cheerfully racist when I moved out here in 1976, but with my Southern accent, I tried to enunciate clearly when asking a grocery clerk where are the Snickers. They'd always answer, south of Olympic Boulevard.

• The White House asked the Supreme Court to stop the USPS from mailing ballots to anyone not on a USPS voter list. In California, mail-in votes are counted for another 28 days after the election. The mail-in goals were just counted in last month's World Cup and Joe Biden defeated Belgium 165-4.

• The NRA celebrated Thursday when gun rights advocates won in a Georgia federal court which overturned the ban on handgun silencers. They hold down the racket in big cities. Friday night there were 15 shootouts in Southside Chicago but the only noise you heard was whenever Guatemala scored.

• CNN reports Democrats are upset that ICE agents will start wearing electric shock gloves that deliver 380 volts of electricity to use on protestors. There were mishaps during training. Two ICE agents are being monitored by burn care specialists for internal damage after they fist bumped each other hello.

• U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted to a reporter Thursday that she's considering a run for the Democratic nomination for president as a Progressive in 2028. Last week AOC broke off her engagement to fiancĂ© Riley Roberts. Apparently, he didn't like wearing a Burka during Role Play Night.

• Luigi Mangione sought a federal plea in the murder of a health care CEO Friday to escape a more punitive state trial. We can't control how the future judges us for the way we impose justice. In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people for punishment.

• Southern Poverty Law Center's Heidi Beirich was arrested for secret payments to hate groups in order to gin up their violence and scare donations to the SPLC. The Charlottesville rally was a fraud. As a result, today I can't even try to buy a Tiki torch without everybody thinking I want to set fire to a cross.

• The Kennedy Center Board voted again to close the facility for two years for renovations. They voted also to add a sign under the marquee reading Restored and Renovated by President Donald J. Trump. If Trump was homeless in the street his grocery cart would display a cardboard sign reading Trump Cart.

• Dolly Parton's Dollywood Park in Tennessee was voted the winner of this week's annual Conde Nast survey of Americans as America's favorite theme park. Dolly's hit songs are legendary. And by the way, I don't know who Jolene, is, but if her boobs are bigger than Dolly's, I say she deserved the win.

• The WNBA was rocked by two ex-NBA players who declared themselves eligible for the WNBA draft since the league allows biological women who identify as men. I just read the average man lives to be 78, and the average woman lives to be 87. So the day I turn 78, I'm entering the WNBA draft.

• Walt Disney former CEO Robert Iger purchased the Los Angeles Lakers Wednesday for 12.5 billion. Iger told reporters he will run the Lakers with the same philosophy he used to run Disney. Starting next season the entire Lakers team will be made up of obese, trans-gender Vietnamese dwarves.

• Paramount's David Ellison vowed to move the Hollywood studio out of state if the anti-trust suit by state attorneys general blocks his takeover of Warner Bros. The studio's exodus would be terrible for the Golden State. Governor Gavin Newsom is demanding action from whoever is in charge of California.

• Miss USA Pageant stripped Miss North Carolina Britney Boltinhouse of her crown when they found she repeatedly used the N-word in a post. She says she's being targeted for her conservative beliefs. The post cost her a Miss USA title but it won her a Grammy nomination for Best Original Lyrics.

• President Trump admitted Wednesday he hid on an airline catering truck to switch planes in Turkey and avoid a planned Iranian missile attack on Air Force One. Melania was suspicious when Donald came home smelling like Sky Chef. She demanded to know if he was cheating on McDonald's.

• The FDA this week issued a nationwide recall of fresh jalapeno peppers tainted with salmonella affecting salsa, guacamole and burritos. This was added to the summer's Taco Bell diarrhea epidemic. Trump now faces a two-front war with Iran attacking us in the Gulf and Mexico attacking us in the rear.

• President Trump reacted to Iran's reparations demands Tuesday with reparations demands of his own. Both sides pay lip service to peace talks for seven days while they re-load. Future historians will devote an entire chapter to Trump's successful prosecution of the Every Other Week War with Iran.

• The U.S. Navy will conduct war games with South Korea and Japan this week. The two Asian nations are ethnically homogenous. Japan is almost 100% Japanese and South Korea is almost 100% Korean. When they see a white guy in their country, they just assume he's a scout for the Dodgers.

• New York residents won a stay in federal court Tuesday against Mayor Mamdani's attempt to impose heavy levies on residential pied-a-terres. He suspects they're 2nd residences. On Wednesday New Yorkers were blocked from viewing the Solar Eclipse because Mamdani couldn't think of a way to tax it.

• Democrat David Crowley upset controversial Socialist candidate Francesca Hong in Wisconsin Tuesday after Hong denounced Thanksgiving as a Colonizer Holiday. It didn't occur to Hong that British colonialism is why we're all here. Her defeat was the first win for Jolly Old England since 1945.

• White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt resigned in order to take care of her infant and other toddler. She's beautiful, blonde, articulate and conservative. In the world of politics this means she's perfect for Fox News and if she gets a big enough offer the babies can just learn to feed themselves.

• CBS News reported likely Democratic presidential candidate AOC decided to freeze her eggs in case she wants to have children in the future. She said she's currently on a nationwide listening tour of the U.S. She was just in Virginia to find out why all the Civil War battles were fought in National Parks.

• The White House dealt with a communist threat in the midterms Tuesday while the U.S. military is preparing to level Iran. Russia and Ukraine are slaughtering each other's troops with video-controlled grenade-size drones. I just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

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