Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Brad Pitt revealed in Esquire Monday he's resumed drinking socially after seven years of being clean and sober. It affects people differently. My late great comedian pal Ollie Joe Prater thought alcohol was the answer to everything but Ollie Joe wasn't a drunk, he was just really terrible at Jeopardy.

• West Hollywood Sheriffs have no witnesses to a shooting at a Sunset Strip club leaving one guy wounded. All signs point to a gang-dispute I'm guessing it must have been a party honoring Stevie Wonder and Beethoven because when the cops arrived nobody saw anything and nobody heard anything.

• Hollywood gossip assassin and movie critic Perez Hilton was hospitalized by his family Sunday in Florida after he bizarrely live-streamed his own self-mutilation with a razor blade. Perez slashed himself all over with a razor and lopped off his penis. So far, this is the most drastic review of Supergirl.

• Sophie Cunningham was clobbered again Saturday a week after teammate Caitlyn Clark was knocked out by an elbow to the face. The two stars lead the league in jersey sales. I just hope that when they retire, they don't marry drunks with short tempers just to relive their glory days in the WNBA.

• The White House reported Monday that President Trump hid inside a catering truck to change planes and thwart an Iranian assassination attempt targeting Air Force One in Turkey. President Trump has escaped so many assassinations he was just awarded his own Hip-Hop handle, Tu Term Shakur.

• Iran issued a stern ultimatum to the U.S. Monday, demanding the U.S. halt all attacks, end the blockade of Iranian ships, leave the Gulf, and pay Iran reparations for damage. The regime further told Donald Trump to stop insulting the Islamic Republic of Iran. Trump said, glad to comply, Towel Heads.

• The FBI announced Monday they are joining forces with the NCAA to catch hackers who are tormenting college athletes. The hackers are stealing the intimate photos of young super-fit female college athletes and using them for blackmail. A quick search shows Subscriptions are not available yet.

• Democratic Socialist candidate Francesca Hong is the issue in the Democratic primary race for governor in Wisconsin. While campaigning she's called for the ending of ICE, prisons, the police and Thanksgiving. Illegal immigrants, convicts and turkeys are now the biggest voting bloc in Wisconsin.

• Rolling Stone published a story on socialist kingmaker and left-wing podcaster Hasan Piker who says America deserved 9-11. He's a U.S. college-graduated communist we let into our country from Turkey. This while we're watching a movie about a Trojan Horse thinking this could never happen here.

• Michigan Democrats elected Abdul El-Sayed their Senate candidate in the fall election. He'd join Rashida Talib, Ilhan Omar, Abraham Hamada, and Yassamin Ansari on Capitol Hill. There are now more Democratic candidates with Muslim names than there were of villains in 1990s action movies.

• Michigan Democratic Senate candidate Abdul El-Sayed was quoted Tuesday saying pro football reminds him of slavery. He's playing to the youngest voters. Generation Z is so obsessed with racism and slavery references that it looks like the NFL may have to come up with a new name for Team Owner

• The CDC announced a massive voluntary recall of fresh jalapenos in the wake of a salmonella outbreak in many states. Based on the side effects which I endured for one scary week after I took the Covid vaccine in 2021, I wouldn't think of ingesting a Jalapeno. This time it might be Bowel's Palsy.

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