Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Sophie Cunningham was targeted by a brutal under-the-basket foul on Saturday. I'm declaring myself eligible for the WNBA. I can't play basketball, but I'm a member of the White Privilege Hall of Fame, and I'd love to spend the next ten years driving to the basket and collecting workers' comp.

• President Trump attended the LIV golf tournament Sunday at the Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey where he buried his first wife Ivana in a grave near the 18th green. The grave plot is the last thing he gave her. The last thing she gave him was a New Jersey tax exemption for cemetery land.

• The White House says Trump flew back from Turkey six weeks ago on a military jet to avoid an assassination attempt by Iran targeting him on Air Force One. It explains the mysterious gap in his narrow escapes from assassination. Action fans have come to expect one a month and June was missing.

• The Los Angeles Times reported that Auto Zone Store locations were looted in Los Angeles for the third consecutive day Monday following street takeovers by the looters. However all the Auto Zone looters were caught. The police couldn't help but notice they were fixing their cars in the parking lot.

• The White House cited the July report showing that inflation is falling Friday to try to thwart Democrat claims of an affordability crisis. It's easy to save if you'll just look around. I wonder if my neighbors in West Hollywood who pay $300 for a colon cleanse even know about Taco Bell's $4.99 deal.

• Mayor Mamdani imposed a September 8th deadline before he slaps new property taxes on wealthy New Yorkers' residences. Socialists in New York insist the city is 100% better, the streets are clean and people are happy, and crime is down a whopping 60%. That Spider Man really makes a difference, doesn't he?

• The UN Office for Drugs and Crime says cocaine production in South America is at an all-time high. Monday a huge 7.4 earthquake on the Richter scale struck Colombia. House Democrats are furious at President Trump because he didn't get congressional approval before asking G od to intervene.

• Iran's Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi addressed reporters in Teheran Monday and issued a list of demands from Iran's ruling regime. I couldn't believe it when I heard that the Ayatollah is demanding reparations from the United States. I had no idea my great-grandfather also owned Iranians.

• The New York Post cited a study finding that teenage boys are choosing to have AI girlfriends over real girls. In a related story, the man who created a popular sex doll announced he's working on a new model which can talk. He's now being accused of not understanding the main appeal of a sex doll.

• US News and World Report reported concerns by sociologists that constant phone use is leading to isolation and erosion of social skills. While on my way to work at the Comedy Store Friday, some guy shouted at me to stop texting while driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

• The Pentagon is reported hurriedly trying to resupply weapons spent in the first months of the Iran War. It was leaked the U.S. is running low on missiles and other ordnances. The upside is for now they get to try the old weapons they didn't get to use during the Vietnam War, on student protestors.

• Socialist Francesca Hong led all polls going into Tuesday's Wisconsin Democratic primary for governor. She wants to abolish ICE, prisons, and the police. I get the distinct feeling that if a Zombie Apocalypse threatened America's way of life, the Socialists would be Zombie Rights Activists.

• Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg posted a warning Monday against a government monopoly control over AI. He knows a thing or two about monopolizing. Last week, my sister angrily told me that all the time I spend on Facebook is destroying our communication as a family, so I blocked her.

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