Dysfunction
I hate my husband's estrangement with his brother. What do I do?
By Amy Parlapiano The Washington Post
Published August 17, 2026
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Q:
My husband is estranged from his older brother "Jack" (both are in their 50s). Even though they are close in age and practically grew up as twins, they had difficult times in their 30s, and Jack cut off ties with my husband for several years. They patched things up, and for many years we enjoyed a close relationship with Jack and his family, including vacations together, cousins growing up together and a close friendship between Jack's wife and me.
But the hurt from Jack's behavior back then is still very much with my husband. They clashed over a family issue several years ago and haven't spoken since. My husband is furious and says he won't allow Jack to hurt him again. I used to urge him to work things out with Jack, claiming our kids are missing out on what they used to have with their cousins. He says he'd rather not be in touch with a toxic brother even if that is the price.
I haven't brought it up in a long while now, but I'm still deeply unhappy about it. I don't want my kids to grow up knowing that it's okay to be estranged from your brother. I am extremely close with my own two siblings and know how rewarding these ties can be.
— I'm Not OK With This
A:
You don't want your kids to think estrangement is okay. But do you want them to believe it's reasonable to uphold a relationship that causes immense pain just for the sake of the happy familial experiences of others?
Don't do anything about this right now other than continue to support your husband as he navigates a long and distressing conflict. It will make things worse if reconciliation stems not from his own desires, but from the outsize pressure he feels from you.
I don't know what happened between Jack and your husband, and I'm sorry for everyone impacted. But estrangement is not necessarily permanent. It's easier than ever now to initiate a détente with a single text message (though I'd suggest a letter). Maybe your husband will have a change of heart in a few years, or never. It's his decision to make.
There's a reason blood relations are at the center of everything from the Bible to Tolstoy to "Succession." Siblings are the people we are supposed to be bonded with inextricably, but also never chose. They can be a mirror into our own victories, shortcomings and insecurities about the kind of person we wish we were, or are glad we're not. And even when the relationship has soured, we feel we have a duty to maintain it. If the dynamic described in your letter was about a loved one's toxic marriage, would your response still be to plow forward for the sake of the kids? With family, there's an expectation to foster this lifelong connection. As a result, sibling fallout can feel more personal than the deterioration of any other relationship. Your husband might believe he's failed in some way. And, if he can sense your unhappiness, he may feel judged. That helps nobody.
You fear your kids will observe this rift and, as if by osmosis, a fissure will grow between them. I'd be more worried about them watching two people who resent each other make small talk during a forced family getaway - that's a vacation nightmare they'll never forget.
Their relationships with their cousins are also not automatically doomed. Once they're adults, or even teenagers, your kids can opt to see their cousins whenever they want, and they deserve backing from your husband to make their own choices about family, just as he's done.
It's also important to acknowledge you've lost Jack's wife in this. If the two of you formed your own meaningful friendship, it's worth expressing to your husband that you intend to continue that, without any requirement that it turn into a full family affair. There may be awkward moments at your next coffee date, but if the friendship is worth it, you'll work through them.
For now, instead of wishing for a future that may never materialize and romanticizing the family gatherings of an imperfect past, focus on the relationships you do have. And remind your kids that as they build friendships throughout their lives, "family" can sprout from all kinds of different relations - not just blood.
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