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Reader: My husband recently died. He was at home in hospice under heavy pain meds and not eating or drinking. My son told me his father, in this condition, made hurtful comments to him. I do not know what the comments were. How can I help my son?
A: This is a very painful situation. It's always hard to be critiqued by a parent, but it's even harder when those are some of their last words. Your son doesn't get a chance to ask more questions or mend the rupture. He's left confused and holding onto the hurt. Now, you are trying to ease that pain.
This experience is troubling, too, because it runs counter to what we expect.
"There is a mythology around the process of dying," Sherwin Nuland, a surgeon, explained in his book, "How We Die: Reflections on Life's Final Chapter."
We often hope for a noble deathbed scene, where our loved one - surrounded by family - will tell us how much they appreciate us, share some final wisdom and expire in peace. We, in turn, will be able to send them out of this world with affection and support. But it rarely happens, Nuland said. People are in pain; they fade away fast or agonizingly slowly.
But there are ways to counsel and comfort your son.
• Provide sympathy
He's reeling from his dad's comments while also grieving the loss; he may be feeling bad about himself, angry with his dad, or both.
• Help him have compassion
Remind him that when people are near the end of their lives, they struggle, and their world shrinks. If they are on heavy medication, they might be confused or delirious.
They may be suffering physically and spiritually, frightened about their impending death. Pain and fear can cause people to communicate more negatively.
It's possible your husband didn't even recognize your son, mistook him for someone else, or was in an altered state of consciousness.
It's also important to remind your son that these comments do not represent the totality of his dad's thoughts and feelings about him. They are a snapshot from a troubled time.
• Ask about the content of the hurtful comments
Were they random ravings that made no sense? Or did some of them ring true?
If your son felt there was a kernel of meaning, help him investigate the feelings that those comments conjured up. This could be a healing opportunity for your son.
Explore together what might have been behind your husband's comments; they may have more to do with his issues than your son's.
I worked with a patient whose dying mom said, "You really should do a better job disciplining your children." My patient was shocked and hurt. But after talking it out with me, she came to understand her mom was trying to give what she thought was good advice. Her mom had an authoritarian parenting style and believed that was what made her children independent and resilient. My patient had a softer approach and didn't appreciate the way she was raised.
Over time, my patient recognized that she might have overcorrected and become too permissive with her kids.
• Explore any unresolved issues
Once your son gets beyond the immediate feelings of grief, ask him whether there were unresolved issues or feelings of resentment on one side or the other.
Your husband may have had hopes that your son did not fulfill - your son may be carrying guilt or anger that he was shackled to his father's aspirations.
If you don't feel up to this task, or your son seems resistant, suggest he talk to a trusted sibling or relative, or a therapist who can help him gain more clarity about his connection to his father.
He might also find solace in speaking out loud at his dad's grave site, or at a place they enjoyed together, or just writing him a letter. He could also look for a wind phone, a type of shrine that allows users to connect to deceased loved ones via an old-fashioned rotary phone. Users report feeling "less heavy" and a "little bit of joy" after having a one-way discourse with a deceased relative.
• Talk about your relationship with your son
Lastly, this is an opportunity to talk to your son about your relationship with him, long before your mortality feels too close at hand. Too often, we are so fearful of death that we push the concept aside.
"Important conversations should happen well before we are on our deathbed," Maureen Keeley, a professor of communications at Texas State University and author of "Final Conversations: Helping the Living and the Dying Talk to Each Other," told me.
It's also an opportunity to remind your son that he should express his gratitude and feelings in real time; he doesn't have to wait to learn about someone's terminal diagnosis to express himself.
Tell your son how you appreciate and love him. And assure him that if you become ill and say confusing things, the truth is what you are saying right now.
Lesley Alderman is a psychotherapist based in Brooklyn.