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• Democratic VP candidate Tim Walz declared in a speech to cheering Philadelphians that during his life he's carried the weapons of war into a war. His Army unit members promptly pointed out he bailed out of going to Iraq with them. Maybe he meant he marched into Minneapolis with a gasoline can.
• Kamala Harris met briefly with reporters and answered a few questions outside Air Force Two Thursday just underneath the roar of the idling jets, and she seemed to welcome one debate with Trump and was willing to discuss two more. What a showdown. They could bill it Orange and the New Black.
• A Pakistani man with Iran ties was charged in Brooklyn federal court for plotting to assassinate Trump. He recruited a shooter and 25 conspirators to kill Trump who all turned out to be undercover FBI agents. The operation was called off when Hillary lost her nerve and told the FBI to stand down.
• Butler Police were seen on their body cams Thursday screaming for the Secret Service's attention having spotted Trump's shooter up on the roof before he opened fire. I now understand why Joe Biden kept his two attack German Shepherds at the White House. Somebody has to protect the president.
• Donald Trump vowed Tuesday to root out the Deep State and streamline the federal government and eliminate wasteful spending. Consider the $160,000 salary taxpayers pay to the Chaplain of the U.S. Congress. As occupations go, only mind readers in Los Angeles have fewer things to do all day.
• The FBI will interview Donald Trump about his attempted assassination by Thomas Matthew Crooks. It still doesn't make sense. These assassins are always white guys with three names and guns and it was white guys with three names and guns that got Trump elected president in the first place.
• Democratic VP candidate Tim Walz was raked over the coals by conservatives for cheering the rioters who burned Minneapolis in the George Floyd riots. An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200, 000 in merchandise during the riots. Thankfully the looters took nothing but two i-Phones.
• President Biden emerged from two weeks off the grid Wednesday and gave an interview to CBS News. The president stated that there may be no peaceful transfer of power if Trump loses. I read the statement six times and still can't figure out if it indicates Joe's a Trump hater or a Trump supporter.
• Nancy Pelosi was evasive on 60 Minutes on how Joe Biden was quickly replaced by Kamala who sewed up the nomination without a ballot cast. It's been 3 weeks since they've said Trump will destroy our democracy. Not to brag but I have won the same number of presidential primaries as Kamala Harris.
• Kamala Harris in her Philadelphia rally campaign speech railed against Voter ID laws which she says robs people of their fundamental rights. Democrats discern a clever conspiracy. First the Republicans say that illegal aliens are illegal, next they're going to want to take away their voting rights.
• Tom Cruise will symbolize the Olympic Games passing to L.A. tonight by leaping from a plane over L.A. and parachuting to the Hollywood sign over Beachwood Canyon. It's a rich and wicked old neighborhood. The residents are just relieved it's Tom Cruise dropping in, and not Chris Hansen from Dateline.
• Hurricane Debby washed up millions of dollars of cocaine bales on the beach in the Florida Keys Tuesday. A few years ago the EPA cleaned up the Key West sea bed of fast-food litter and the water was crystal clear when the coke washed up. I'll bet those sea turtles are missing those plastic straws now.
• The New York Times published a study on canine longevity that found that the average lifespan of a dog is twelve and a half years. We do all we can to keep them healthy. My own dog will quickly devour any food I accidentally drop on the floor, but put a pill in it, and suddenly he is Gordon Ramsey.
• Bobby Kennedy admitted last week he picked up a dead bear on the road and left it in Central Park. He revealed he's been picking up road kill his entire adult life and storing it in his kitchen freezer. In fairness to RFK, you never know when the Beverly Hillbillies are going to drop by for dinner.
• NPR said both Taiwan and Algeria's female boxers qualified for Olympic medals by reaching the Tuesday finals. The boxers insist they've always been women despite failing past chromosome tests. Yet it was awkward at the award ceremony when the boxers couldn't pull the medals over their Adam's apples.
• Warren Buffet helped trigger last week's wild ride in the stock market by selling all his Berkshire Hathaway stock in Apple. After years of market domination, Big Tech giants got hammered. Tesla stock has sunk so low that billionaires are now booking submarine rides to go down and take a look at it.
• CNN's Natasha Alford accused JD Vance of stalking Kamala for showing up at her parked plane to ask reporters why she won't hold a news conference Wednesday. That's off the mark. Stalking is when a man and a woman go out on a long romantic stroll together and only one of them knows about it.
• VP candidate Tim Walz said he carried weapons of war into war but he decided to retire and not to go to Iraq with his unit just before they were deployed. It's just as well. Iraqis felt they were fighting Western traditions and values, so it was just a matter of time before he'd switch sides and join the Iraqis.
• President Biden hosted a ceremony welcoming the World Series champion Texas Rangers to the White House Thursday. It reminds the politicians and lobbyists in Washington how good they've got it. The difference between baseball and politics is, if you get caught stealing in baseball, you're out!
• Wall Street went into freefall as the New York Stock Exchange and other global stock exchanges lost trillions of dollars in a selloff widely seen as long overdue. It was triggered by a poor U.S. jobs report last Thursday. The economy is so bad right now even Joe Biden's job got outsourced to an Indian.
• Daily Variety noted that Zombie movies will flood the movie theaters and streaming services this fall. If Zombies ever do attack, for safety go immediately to Costco because they have cement walls, years worth of food, and tons of supplies. Plus, the Zombies can't get into Costco without a membership.
• The Richard Nixon Library marked 50 years since his resignation Friday after he'd lied to all 220 million Americans about his role in covering up the Watergate burglary. In his last year in office, Nixon was in pain from phlebitis in his legs. You can't screw that many people and not catch something.
• The U.S. Geological Survey says a magnitude 5.2 earthquake hit Bakersfield, California, this past week. It's a rough-and-tumble town. If you go to the nicest restaurant in Bakersfield and ask the Maitre d for a table with a view, they put a table in front of the Women's Room and leave the door open.
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