Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnel caused alarm Thursday when he complexly froze for eighteen seconds and stared silently at reporters while addressing a press briefing. The Internet went crazy just because McConnell froze. We finally get a politician to shut up and we're complaining?

• Disney was assailed by the dwarfism community for casting of six regular-size actors to play the Seven Dwarfs as revealed in the Snow White movie trailer. Dwarfs are suffering enough from the actors' strike. Yesterday at the McDonald's drive thru I ordered a small fry and they gave me Tom Cruise.

• NFL Washington Commanders co-owner Magic Johnson told the Today Show they may replace the unpopular Commanders nickname. It's not widely known that Washington plays every home game in Maryland. So I think the team should change their name to the Crabs if only to irritate the Cowboys.

• Fox News said Secret Service agents in the White House are having problems with the First Dog, Commander. There is now very real concern that there is a hot tempered beast in the White House that's easily confused and could either sniff you or bite your head off. There's also a German Shepherd.

• History Channel aired a special on the 1950s and how its technological advances shaped today's America. To me it's absolutely insane how much it's changed since I was a child. Last night in Westwood, no one else in the Oppenheimer movie theater joined my USA chant when the bomb worked.

• The Secret Service last week ended its probe over the cocaine that was found in the White House on the Sunday of the July 4th weekend. I think the mystery was solved when the White House visitor log showed that Cocaine Bear visited the West Wing that weekend. He used the pseudonym Hunter Bear.

• House Oversight Committee heard testimony from Hunter's ex-business partner Devon Archer Monday. Last week Committee Democrats were outraged when a GOP member held up porn images of Hunter Biden during the whistleblower hearing. That kind of material belongs in a children's library.

• MSNBC Morning Joe ripped President Biden's staffers Friday for not doing enough to protect Joe from public embarrassment from the normal gaffes an elderly man has. Comedians love him for it. Last fall, President Biden went on CBS 60 Minutes and asked Scott Pelley how long the show was.

• Donald Trump was cheered by Republicans at the Iowa Lincoln Dinner in Des Moines featuring all the GOP candidates. The day before, Trump was indicted and charged with deleting subpoenaed security tapes at Mar-a-Lago. Where was he when we needed to cut thirty minutes from Oppenheimer?

• Donald Trump was indicted again Friday a day after Hunter Biden's plea deal collapsed in U.S. court. It's a standoff. I'm longing for the day the Democrats trade Trump to the Republicans in a hostage swap for Hunter so Americans can go back to hating each other over our favorite football teams.

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