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I used to be a big fan of cheese.
Now I'm an even bigger fan of cheese.
Lactose intolerance? That's a problem for other people.
Cheese raises your mood and lowers your cholesterol. Or maybe it's the other way around. But I need all the cholesterol I can get.
Recently my doctor informed me that I had low blood pressure and was underweight.
This is a free license to eat bricks of aged milk. Gotta make the walls of your arteries nice and hard, right?
I'm not the only person to admire cheese.
Andrew Jackson, president numero seven, was gifted a 1,400-pound wheel of cheese by a dairy farmer.
Old Hickory had eight years in the White House to eat the whole thing by himself, but in the democratic spirit of the age — and of his party — he decided to just… let it sit. The cheese sat in the Entrance Hall of the White House for two years.
Sans refrigeration, mind you. Food safety hadn't been invented yet. One can only wonder how visiting dignitaries were led through the hall.
"Now, ambassador, if you'd wedge yourself between the wall and the giant cheddar, you'll be able to see the president. Ah, no, you won't. Keep rounding… rounding…"
Maybe it was a political strategy to scare off opponents.
As it was, when Jackson judged that the cheese had flavored sufficiently, he threw open the doors.
On Washington's Birthday in 1837, the public feasted, courtesy of the executive of the United States. The cheese was gone in two hours.
As journalist Benjamin Perley Poore remarked, "The air was redolent with cheese, the carpet was slippery with cheese, and nothing else was talked about at Washington."
I bet I could have put it away in one hour. Just sayin'.“
Imagine how much peace and goodwill could be spread if the president invited his fellow human beings — heck, even members of Congress — to a cheese dinner.
I personally would love to hack away at a nice gouda, firm mozzarella, or goat cheese.
Well, you don't really hack at soft goat cheese. Unless you're fighting someone for it. In that case, all violence is justified.
Plus, it'd be nice to get a break from all the fiery rhetoric coming from the Capitol and delight in something that brings so much joy to so many people (excepting those allergic to dairy).
I understand that with an obesity epidemic going on, it might not be politically expedient for the president to lob great hunks of cheese to an adoring public.
But I believe in individual responsibility. If you want to turn down a delicious meal, insult dairy farmers, and sour our relationship with France, it's entirely up to you.
Despite all this, my doctor told me that I can't subsist entirely on cheese.
Has anyone tried? I could be making inroads for medical science here.
Heck, if I could get paid to eat cheese, I'd be in Heaven.
Perhaps I'll get to Heaven faster if I eat too much of the stuff… where I could eat even more!
There's a tempting thought.
Alexandra Paskhaver is a software engineer and writer. Both jobs require knowing where to stick semicolons, but she's never quite; figured; it; out.
Previously:
• Promotions 101
• The graduate
• The best-laid plans
• Be like Homer Simpson
• 08/20/25: Acting out
• 06/23/25: All talked out
• 02/05/24: Dropping the ball
• 02/05/24: Eye eye, doctor
• 12/30/24: Bad music, cheap concerts, and all that jazz
• 12/04/24: No dollars and no sense
• 09/17/24: Gone crackers
• 09/12/24: A matter of manners
• 08/21/24: Keeping things simple --- is hard
• 08/13/24: DIY = 'Destroy It Yourself'
• 06/26/24: All in a day's work
• 05/23/24: The state of the art
• 05/16/24: Rounding one's corners
• 03/22/24: Gone loopy
• 03/05/24: Philosophy rocks