Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Playboy magazine made news Thursday by announcing the hiring of its first openly gay man as the Editor in Chief Philip Picard. He's promised the magazine's straight male readers to feature ethical female nudity. In a related story, Car and Driver magazine just hired its first Amish head writer.

• The Smithsonian was discovered in House hearings Tuesday to have published a pamphlet for kids teaching them that politeness, being on time, hard work and a nuclear family are symbols of white supremacy. So Nazi-ism didn't die with Hitler. It lives on today through Leave It to Beaver re-runs.

• Paramount CEO David Ellison lobbied Capitol Hill to offer Hollywood filmmakers the same tax breaks to shoot in the US that Canada and Australia offer. Moviegoers are hard to fool. In a recent Hallmark movie about the Birth of Jesus, I couldn't help but notice the kangaroos in the Manger Scene.

• Senator John Fetterman threatened to leave the Democratic Party over the radical demands of the party's Socialist wing. The public approval for the Democratic Party is down to 27%. Critics say that the Democrats are in the wilderness, but that's not the wilderness, that's getting eaten by a bear.

• Kelsey Grammar called for an education overhaul that honors the Founding Fathers. My Loyalist Hamilton line arrived in Virginia in 1650 after they lost the English Civil War fighting for the King. We've seen a lot of societal improvements in the last 375 years and we've been against every one of them.

• The World Health Organization on Thursday reported on the brand-new outbreak of Ebola in the Democratic Republic of Congo totaling 2,500 cases. The outbreak has taught local officials a valuable lesson. This is the last time the Congo Planning Commission approves a Taco Bell drive-thru.

• USA Today's Nancy Armour said Caitlyn Clark's complaints about missed foul calls put black players in danger. Respect for the game applies to race relations as well as basketball. I was the only white dude at Richard Pryor's funeral and I knew I'd get clobbered if I tried to drive the aisle to the casket.

• Elon Musk vowed Friday to use his AI platform to create a historically accurate film version of Homer's Greek classic The Odyssey. Elon is upset about director Christopher Nolan's altered DEI story version of The Odyssey now in movie theaters. The director cast Lupita Nyongo as Helen of Kenya.

• Smithsonian's Anthea Hartig wrote a pamphlet teaching kids that manners, being on time and hard work are symbols of white privilege. It says white privilege assumes the country is ours by birth right. White kids read her pamphlet and think, you know, some people are always the last to get the word.

• Congresswoman AOC surged to the lead among Democrat voters in the latest New Hampshire poll of likely 2028 presidential candidates. Democrats can't be that happy. They're starting to notice that every time they run a woman for President, Donald Trump winds up being the Leader of the Free World.

• President Trump hosted the Los Angeles Dodgers at the White House on Thursday. He singled out Shohei Ohtani, Yoshi Yamamoto and Roki Sasaki as fan favorites. Japanese Heritage Night at Dodger Stadium on April 27th set a Major League record of 963 car accidents in the stadium parking lot.

• President Trump reacted angrily to the Houti's in Yemen firing on Saudi oil tankers in the Red Sea Thursday which drove up world oil prices to $100 a barrel. It's getting serious. The Houti's are a rebel tribe who seceded from the Blowfish in 1996 due to a music copyright dispute and clashing egos.

• Iran threatened to attack England Thursday when B-1 bombers began bombing Iran from U.S. air bases in Britain. This war gets more entertaining each day. Meanwhile, here on the home front, a dejected Mayor Mamdani went on TV Thursday to admit that he lacks the legal authority to bomb Israel.

• Democrat James Carville went on the warpath against the Democratic Socialists of America, saying they are not Democrats and to get the hell out of the party. Very few socialists have a sense of humor about their mission in life. I once made Bernie Sanders laugh so hard he promised to kill me last.

• Shark Week begins today with 23 sharks that were spotted off the coast at Jones Beach State Park on the Long Island shore Thursday. In 1985, while I was body-surfing in Hawaii a Tiger Shark swam close by me and, at that moment, I made a scientific discovery. Did you know that adrenaline is brown?

• Taylor Farms, a major lettuce supplier to fast food restaurants, recalled their lettuce Monday in compliance with the FDA probe into the source of the parasitic lettuce outbreak. My idiot friend tells me that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea. I finally told him to try ordering Tacos instead.

• NFL rookies reported this week for orientation lectures from veterans, and money advisors on avoiding the temptations of the high life for young men out there. I once had a good friend who had a nice home, a wife and a job until he got mixed up with drugs, and today he owns a yacht and an island.

• Daily Variety reports that the World Cup Finale between Spain and Argentina Sunday drew a record high 62 million U.S. viewers, 38 million on Fox, 24 million on Spanish language Telemundo. President Trump finally got the soccer rules straight. He spent the next 3 nights kicking Iran in the balls.

• U.S. Rep. Jasmine Crockett said in House hearings Monday Americans rooted for Argentina over Spain in the World Cup because Argentina is the more racist nation. Oh, pipe down. Both countries were Hitler's allies in World War II, why can't they be equally racists, and we enjoy the game?

• President Trump spoke to a cheering rally in Cobb County, Georgia, Wednesday. Trump spoke in a county named for baseball immortal Ty Cobb's father, William Cobb, who headed a Confederate regiment nicknamed Cobb's Legion during the Civil War. The point is, President Trump was never safer.

• President Trump vowed to bomb Iran infrastructure if they attack any more ships. Electricity would go out, cable would go out, cell phones out. and water pipes would explode causing floods and sinkholes. Iranians in West Hollywood have had to live like this for 9 days and they don't recommend it.

• The House passed a $1.5 trillion defense bill Wednesday that includes the Save America Act. In it, Republicans don't even want you voting for yourself without a photo ID and valid birth certificate. It's designed as a preventative measure in case New York Mayor Mamdani ever decides he was born in Hawaii.

• President Trump suggested this week that Hunter Biden might do well if he runs for president as a Centrist Democrat. It's hard for many to take him seriously, but I enjoy him. Every time I see Hunter on TV, it reminds me that some of the best times of my life occurred just before the cops arrived.

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