Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Taco Bell reported a 19% drop in business last week due to the contaminated lettuce outbreak nationwide that causes explosive diarrhea. The scare reduced business at Chipotle's and Del Taco. I don't want to say we eat a lot of Mexican lettuce in West Hollywood, but even our water pipe exploded.

• King Charles received Labor Party leader Andy Burnham and delivered him the seals of office and named him Britain's new Prime Minister. The meeting brought back some memories for the king. The last time King Charles said Andy Burnham he was telling his brother to get rid of some photos, fast.

• The View host Whoopi Goldberg said Monday she rejoiced seeing Trump booed by Argentine and Spanish fans at the World Cup finale, angry over his border policy. Both the president and the comedienne will leave lasting legacies. Trump has buildings named after him and Whoopi has a cushion.

• WNBA superstar Caitlyn Clark delivered record-high TV ratings, drawing 1 million viewers to the Indiana Fever game Saturday. Everybody loves watching a brawl. In one recent game, Caitlyn achieved the WNBA's first triple-double with 32 bruises, 15 chipped teeth and 12 compound fractures.

• The University of Pennsylvania reached a deal with the DOJ and stripped their transgender Olympic swimmer Lea Thomas of her past records. It's a hot-button issue. I don't know if being a transgender woman helps you to swim faster in the water but it definitely makes it easier for you to steer.

• Bill Maher griped on his podcast about the 40% California state and local taxes that he pays at the pot store that he co-owns in West Hollywood. Not to mention that the state just banned EBT card payments for candy bars and chips. Leave it to California to legalize pot then outlaw the munchies.

• Secretary of War Pete Hegseth's appearance in the Senate Tuesday resembled a Little League outfield during a run-scoring hit. The Republicans overthrew Iran, Democrats overthrew Putin while the Democratic Socialists overthrew the U.S. It'd be nice if just somebody could hit the cut-off man.

• California's Fish and Game Agency imposed a three bird limit on duck hunters this fall. I don't get the sportsmanship. You get up at 4 AM, sit in a freezing duck blind, you blow on a duck call that simulates a female duck in heat, then you blow a duck head off just when he thinks he's getting lucky.

• Smithsonian Museum's Anthea Hartig scolded America over our white privilege at her House hearing. The museum was founded in 1846 by the estate of England's James Smithson, son of a Duke of Northumberland. But like the 1957 Ford Thunderbird, year after year of improvements just ruined it.

• The New York Times reports that AI is becoming a focal point for the intersection of spirituality and technology. Last night, I knelt in prayer and asked Him if I should commit myself fully to making my upcoming Comedy Store talk show a success, and a still small voice clearly said, "Argus, go for it!" This morning I asked ChatGPT the same question and it replied, "Don't make me tell you twice!"

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