Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Taco Bell stopped serving lettuce after the CDC traced the 5-state outbreak of a parasite to the shredded iceberg lettuce served in their restaurants. It causes explosive diarrhea that can last for months. Taco Bell reacted quickly to slumping sales and just re-branded itself as a Weight Loss Center.

• Spain and Argentina faced off in the World Cup Final Sunday. The U.S. routed Spain in 1898 when every bottle of Coca-Cola contained 3 grams of cocaine, so it wasn't a fair fight. And my dad taught me never ask a woman her age, a man his salary or a German why grandpa moved to Argentina.

• President Trump stood on the stage at Met Life Sunday before 82,000 soccer fans to present the World Cup to Spain for their 1-0 win. The president was a gentleman in defeat. Several times in the past, Trump has tried to kick Spain out of NATO but he can never get the kick past Spain's goalie.

• The World Cup final in New York Sunday commanded an average ticket price of $11,000 to see Spain win a 1-0 snooze-fest. Americans in the stadium considered it a bargain. Any other event that starts with Tom Cruise followed by performances by Madonna, Bad Bunny and Shakira would cost 5 times that.

• Fox News reported a huge water pipe burst beneath Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood that flooded water and mud downhill onto pricey Palm Avenue. It knocked out power and cell phones for 20 hours. Governor Newsom is demanding an explanation from whoever is in charge of California.

• The White House was reported Sunday considering escalating the war in Iran until a surrender results in a total regime change. Iran is long overdue for a change. When the U.S. and Britain install a government in the Middle East, it comes with a guarantee that every 40 years, we will rotate the tyrants.

• President Trump showed declassified intelligence that Beijing hacked voter rolls and obtained information on 220 million Americans. China's intrusion is taking its toll. If drafted into U.S.-Iran War, I have to fight on China's side because I accepted TikTok's terms and conditions without reading them.

• Joe Biden ad-libbed a video last week announcing that he's writing a memoir about his 4 years as president. Speaking off the cuff, he said it'll be out in November, from Little, Brown Publishers. When Joe mentioned Little, Brown it reminded him to say that if you don't buy this book you ain't black.

• Mayor Mamdani said Sunday he's consulting local legal authorities to see if he can arrest Bibi Netanyahu when the Israeli prime minister comes to New York for the UN General Assembly opening in September. The radical socialist mayor has no legal grounds for arresting him. It's not like Bibi's a landlord or anything.

• L.A. Mayor Bass complained that thousands of the city's homeless simply refuse to move indoor to shelters. In most cities, if you're walking down the street and shouting at yourself and others while exhibiting Tourette's Syndrome they send you to a doctor. In Los Angeles, they give you a Netflix special.

• Baton Rouge police busted a 35-year-old cook in the Delta Chi fraternity house at LSU dealing drugs from the kitchen window. I was my fraternity house social chairmen, so I could explain it to the press. The cook simply misunderstood the house's order to keep the refrigerator well-stocked with Coke.

• Yoko Ono's Music of the Mind Exhibition opened at the Broad Museum in Los Angeles, where it displays retrospective pieces illustrating Yoko's early career in 1960s New York City as a performance artist. It's safe to go, Yoko doesn't sing. If anything, John Lennon proved that love is not blind, it's deaf.

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