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• Lake Tahoe's hosting the American Century charity golf tourney that includes Charles Barkley, crowned by Golf Digest The Ugliest Swing in All of Golf. His shots are dangerously wild. Friday, his caddy quit on the 6th tee saying he's going to the Persian Gulf where at least he'll have a fighting chance.
• The San Antonio Spurs fired their TV play-by-play announcer Jacob Tobey for cheating on his girlfriend who's the sister of a Spurs player. She got onto his social media account and discovered his cheating. Whether single or married, men eventually learn that you can't have your Kate and Edith too.
• LeBron James was rumored Thursday to be signing with the 76ers while other rumors had him going back to Cleveland. Political rumors travel even faster. It was rumored that last night at three in the morning at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington DC, Mitch McConnell was declared Democrat.
• Senator Mitch McConnell's four-week hospitalization due to a medical emergency has sparked rumors about his health. Democrats in Kentucky are demanding a special election to take his place. Mitch was declared brain dead in his hospital room , but he still won't let them turn his TV to The View.
• The Ayatollah Khameini's funeral ended in Iran Thursday with thousands of street mourners on TV demanding the death of Trump. They were auditioning. If Graham Platner indeed leaves the race Monday, the search is on for a Democrat committed to the number-one item on the party's platform.
• Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner dropped out in the wake of rape and numerous sexual assault accusations. I think he could've still been elected if he'd stood by his actions and adopted a slogan that fits his reputation. Graham Platner Wants Your Vote and He Won't Take No for an Answer.
• Graham Platner blasted top Democrats Wednesday as he was withdrawing from Maine's Senate race. They made fools of themselves by campaigning for this guy. Elizabeth Warren and Ro Khanna gave Platner their full-throated endorsement and Ro Khanna and Liz Warren are my two favorite Indians.
• New York Mayor Mamdani erased Little Italy from the city's immigration enclave map as well as Irish and Jewish neighborhoods. However he kept Little Palestine, Little Somalia and Little Pakistan on the map. If this new map were a board game, you'd think Jesus and Moses are terrible at Monopoly.
• South Africa's government protested Trump granting white South African farmers unlimited refugee status due to racist attacks and seizures The government says the attacks are motivated by common robbery. Some South African farmers have already fled to the whitest country in Africa, Chad.
• Europe's World Cup teams all month reinforced each of their nation's attitudes toward America as they toured the host cities. The Germans will always respect us, the French will always hate us, the English will always mother us and the Scots like America so much it makes you question their judgment.
• Taco Bell was voted in a recent poll to be America's favorite fast-food restaurant. Yesterday at lunchtime, I happened to be standing in line at a Taco Bell counter and I saw a man at the front of the line stand up from his wheelchair to receive his order. Never tell me that tacos don't work miracles.
• The Odyssey starring Matt Damon as Odysseus and Anne Hathaway as Penelope and Kenyan Lupita Nyongo as Helen of Troy premiered in London Monday. It's received terrible reviews from critics. For next week's U.S. premiere, the studio is changing the name of the movie to Helen of Detroit.
• The New York Post covered the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce wedding at Madison Square Garden. It was reported that the Bride and the Groom spent 40 long minutes at the altar reading to each other the wedding vows they had written. By the time they finished reading the vows, they were filing for divorce.
• Daily Variety says Jennifer Lopez's new movie Office Romance is a hit which offers a decidedly lowbrow take on today's singles scene, which I can testify has reached a new low. The L.A. women I meet at the Polo Lounge or at Dan Tana's always fall for the same three words. What's your Venmo?
• The Daily Mail reports that taverns in Brussels went wild with joy early Tuesday morning after the Belgian World Cup team dominated the U.S. team and won 4-1, thinking they were advancing to the next round. I say not so fast, Belgium. Los Angeles still has another 29 days to count all the goals.
• The Belgian World Cup team celebrated on the field Monday after beating the U.S. World Cup team by making fun of Trump doing the Trump dance. He took it in his usual stride. The next day, President Trump declared Belgium is now 2, maybe 3 months away, from possessing a nuclear weapon.
• President Trump announced the cease fire with Iran is over Wednesday after Iran attacked three oil tankers. Iran accused the U.S. of imperialism and global domination. On that subject, on the same day, Graham Platner announced he will withdraw… from Poland, France and the Soviet Union.
• Maine Democratic Socialist Senate candidate Graham Platner agreed Wednesday to ending his campaign. Two days after a woman accused him of rape and committing sexual assault, Platner announced he is pulling out. When the jokes write themselves, I step aside and try to stay out of the way.
• The Navy resumed attacks on Iran Wednesday after Iran attacked three oil tankers. Once again it's on-again, off-again then on-again, off again. This war is like a romantic movie comedy in which Jennifer Lopez takes forever to get rid of the wrong guy and then finally marries her true love, the Shah
• President Trump took the old Air Force One to Turkey Monday that is better equipped to dodge missiles from Iran. Iran has missiles that could reach Turkey and hit the plane. To spare Iran from massive retaliation the Ayatollah would have to ask Hillary Clinton how to make it look like an accident.
• President Trump while in Turkey Wednesday discussed the possibility of his own assassination due to Iranian intelligence plans to bump him off. He was surprisingly calm talking about it. Trump has been shot at so many times the Sioux Tribe could create a monument in his honor at Wounded Ear.
• The New York Times reports a 37-story skyscraper in Manhattan had to be evacuated Monday after the steel support beams were found bent and near collapse. Structural engineers swarmed into the building assessing the damage. And for his part Mayor Mamdani canceled all flights into the skyscraper.
• A Texas hospital is busted for birth tourism by advertising on Mexico billboards to deliver your baby for $3,500 or $5,500 for a C-section. I can guess the transaction. Before they pull the baby out of the mother's vagina to become an American, they pull the coke out of her butt to pay for the procedure.
• ABC's Women of the View took turn describing how uncomfortable our country's 250th birthday celebrations made them feel since Trump is president. It never ends. Sunny Hostin says she's fearful when she sees the American flag, which is how the rest of the View feels when they see a bucket of water.
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