Take Me Out to the ... Never Mind

The season of the minor league ballgame is in full swing, and so are the minor league promotions. Here are some of the less popular ones.

— Strained Groin Day

— Usher Autograph Night

— Free Pretzel in Every Beer: Save money! Save digestion time!

— LIVE Bat Night: Wear a scarf!

— Extra Marjoram Madness: Marjoram sprinkled on any concession — gratis!

— Poppin' Fresh Lookalike Contest: Winner gets a whole lot of dough! Literally.

— Adult Children of Jerks Day: Come in and cry. Our game will help!

— Signed Balls: Fellas! Get inked by the night's MVP!

— Got the ultrasound to prove it? You're in for free on: Pregnant with Twins Night!

— Safer than fireworks! Duracell and the National Fire Safety Council proudly present this evening's: Post-Game Flashlight Follies!

— Cheek-Piercing Night: Ouch!

— Toilet Seat Toss: Actually, this one is real. Sorry.

— Show Us Your Rash: You could win a free ticket!

— There's Your Mascot!: Win the chance to have our mascot sit in front of you the whole game.

— Health Is a Major League Issue: Turkey dogs served on seven-grain rolls with lip-smacking, thirst-quenching liquid kale.

— The North American Hooligan Society invites you to: Defenseless Little Old Ladies Night!

— Napkin Ring-Palooza!

— Go Blue!: It's all-you-can-eat blue cheese night!

— Hermit Gift Basket: Razor, matches, and tin pot included.

— "J'adore Zee Baseball" Soiree: Berets and creme brulee for the first 100 attendees who can sing an entire Edith Piaf song.

— Minor League Bobbleheads: Who can forget "Slow and Steady" Stan Osofsky? Or Carl "I'm Getting There" Brown? Or away-game crowd favorite Mo "Oops!" Mallard? Your mantlepiece will groan with near-greatness!

— Free Cropped T-Shirts: Show off that dad bod!

— Foam Toe Freebies: Give those foam fingers the toe! We're (Toe) No. 1!

— Hairy, Scary Fun: Got a tarantula at home? Bring it in, set it loose and get a free ticket!

— Kombucha Kraziness: Free ice-cold kombucha when you buy a squishy tomato or cup of warm mush.

— Show Us Your Papers Night: kidding! (Not kidding.)