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• Dick Van Dyke announced plans to publish his memoir on his 100th birthday in December. His career on TV, film and stage earned him six Emmys, a Grammy and a Tony. He always credits his first agent who convinced him to change name to Dick Van Dyke from his birth name, Penis van Lesbian.
• Mattel introduced a brand new Barbie Doll who has Type-1 diabetes Thursday and she comes with an insulin injector. The doll is only $11 but where they get you is the $12,000-a-year insulin prescription. And to think 40 years ago Mattel kicked me out of the office when I pitched them AIDS Ken.
• President Trump noted the anniversary of the assassination attempt by the 20-year-old sniper from a nearby unguarded roof in Pennsylvania. His protection was ridiculously sloppy. The Secret Service has since scrapped its DEI hiring policy and is now advertising for men with roofing experience.
• The DOJ closed the case on the Epstein client list after Pam Bondi said it's on her desk. Well, Pam did actually have the list on her desk, but then her dog jumped up on top of her desk and ate the list, and then a Haitian ate the dog, causing ICE to shoot and kill the Haitian. I guess we'll just never know.
• Joe Biden's White House doctor pleaded the Fifth in Congress Wednesday rather than answer questions about Joe's decline in office. It was easily sensed. I remember in 2024 when President Biden visited the flood-ravaged area of North Carolina, and the cadaver dogs wouldn't leave him alone.
• Jasmine Crockett explained Thursday that Joe Biden's doctor had every right not to testify in Congress. She claimed that Joe wasn't mentally declined, that he had a stutter and due to age he'd lost control of his method for overcoming the stutter. Yes, and Steven Hawking's legs were just asleep.
• Socialist Democrat New York mayor nominee Zohran Mamdani lied on his college application form in 2009 claiming to be black. Both his mother and his father are South Asian. The difference between Mamdani and Elizabeth Warren is that Mamdani can claim to be an Indian and pass the lie detector test.
• The Glass House Farm marijuana farm in Camarillo was raided by ICE agents Thursday. The agents were forced to tear-gas angry anti-ICE protestors as they hauled away the migrants working inside the glassed-in pot farm. The tear gas settled on the crop creating weed so strong it'll make you cry.
• The Sydney Herald reported that wild kangaroo harvests are currently underway in Australia, horrifying animal rights activists. Last week a wild pig in Australia broke into a camp while the camp was asleep, stole 18 beers, became drunk, and picked a fight with a cow. I think I found my spirit animal.
• Tesla dealers warned the Big Beautiful Bill's ending the $7,500 tax credit for buying an EV will kill EV sales. I own 2 EVs, the Jaguar and the Porsche, and they're great. The only trouble I ever have with them is if I don't slow down on curves they can fly off the track and get stuck under the couch.
• Olympic gold medal legendary gymnast Mary Lou Retton was in court Tuesday to face her DUI charges. In my drinking days I always passed the roadside test. It's one skill for a gymnast to maintain perfect balance on the balance beam, but it's a skill I mastered to maintain perfect balance on Jim Beam.
• Superman opens Friday and director James Gunn declared the movie is about the benefits of immigration. The superhero stands for truth, justice and Biden's open border policy. The movie got a lucky break when Trump named Tom Homan ICE Director because he's a dead ringer for Lex Luthor.
• The New York Times reports that New York Mayor candidate Zohran Mamdani lied on his Columbia University application form in 2009 about his race. Zohran checked two boxes on the form falsely claiming that he's both Asian and Black. He could be prosecuted for passing himself off as Tiger Woods.
• Disney World unveiled a new lifelike robot of President Trump in the park's Hall of Presidents exhibit. The Trump robot stands center stage and recites the Presidential Oath of Office. Standing just to the left of the Trump robot is a lifelike robot of a U.S. District judge over-ruling the Oath of Office.
• The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that President Trump has the power to slash thousands of federal jobs as head of the executive branch. The court ruled the president has the power to fire anybody he wants. The majority of Justices cited the case of Losers on The Apprentice vs. Donald Trump.
• U.S. track star Chris Robinson made news at a Euro track meet Sunday when his penis slipped out while winning the 400m hurdles race. TV caught the wardrobe malfunction. In an effort to protect transgender women sprinters from similar embarrassment, Lululemon just put out the Hurdle Girdle.
• U.S. Border Patrol officers rode into L.A.'s MacArthur Park on horseback Monday just to show their presence in the gang-infested park. The city always seems to be sitting on top of a powder keg. It comes from all the pressure on everybody in L.A. to talk about something besides show business.
• Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass flew into a rage at ICE agents on horseback in MacArthur Park Monday. She used vulgar language and called them destructive and un-American. The more I watch Mayor Bass' reaction to ICE the more I think Jack Nicholson held it together pretty well in The Shining.
• NBC News reports there's a cost-of-living crisis in California with the cost of everyday services outpacing incomes. If you get stuck in an airport delay anywhere in the U.S., you pay $12 for a burger, $4 for a soft drink, $15 for a beer, and $6 for a pack of M&M's. That's what it's like to live in California.
• The National Confectioners Association forecasted that Americans purchased $54 billion worth of candy in 2024. They say it'll hit $70 billion by 2029. Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has clearly never had two Kit Kats fall out of the vending machine at the same time.
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