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• The New York Post posted a startling photo of Tom Cruise dangling from the wing of an airplane high in the air while shooting his new Mission Impossible movie. He's fearless. Tom Cruise does all the dangerous stunts in all his movies because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
• Richard Simmons was buried in a private service with close friends attending Friday. His death was disheartening to fitness junkies in Hollywood. The fact that Keith Richards outlived Richard Simmons has me seriously wondering why I spent the last 38 years staying sober and jogging every night.
• Amazon's new series on Tudor England depicts King Edward as black and gay. And you wonder why Henry VIII beheaded his wives. I majored in British History, and my favorite moment of the Tudor era was when young King Edward outlawed Climate Change and raised the Rainbow Flag over Windsor.
• The Hollywood Reporter noted the passing of the great sitcom star, stand-up comic and pioneer album comedian Bob Newhart at 94. He performed hilarious phone conversations with imaginary people on the other line. In honor of Bob Newhart, Kamala had a one-way conversation with Joe today.
• White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre went on The View to praise President Biden as a great American president who kept his word. Both Joe and Trump promised to bring our country together and they did. The latest Rasmussen poll has King Charles getting 100% of the vote in November.
• President Biden returned to Washington from his beach house in Delaware Tuesday after a week of treating his case of Covid. Joe came down the steps of Air Force One wearing a mask over his mouth. It made the case that at least one member of the Biden family can still breathe through his nose.
• Joe Biden returned to the White House Tuesday with plans to focus on foreign policy during his last six months in office. It's my inclination to cut Joe a break. I used to mistakenly think it's our capacity to love that makes us human, but it turns out to be our ability to select each image showing a traffic light.
• President Biden returned to the White House Tuesday to get back to work after a stormy month of debate disaster, getting nudged off the ticket and replaced. The family's got a lot of loose ends to tie up. Hunter Biden spent all day on the phone telling various foreign governments sorry, no refunds.
• Kamala Harris addressed a crowd in Wisconsin Tuesday after drawing $100 million in campaign donations. She called Trump a felon, a con, a cheat and a man held liable for sexual misconduct. These are traits we demand ever since we began electing presidents for their entertainment value in 1992.
• Kamala Harris was virtually crowned the Democratic nominee by the adoring mainstream media Monday. Activists accuse her opponents of racism in the way they mispronounce her name. The Democrats say the proper pronunciation is Kah-mala while the Republicans pronounce it, Bass-ket Case.
• House Republicans slammed the White House for adopting the standards of diversity, equity and inclusion in hiring Secret Service agents. Along that line, Mattel just introduced a new Barbie doll who is blind. The doll set comes with a white cane, a guide dog and a Southwest Airlines pilot's uniform.
• Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned under pressure Tuesday over her agency's lack of planning that missed by an inch of getting Trump killed in Pennsylvania. Trump might be a lot safer being protected by the National Parks Service. They haven't lost a Confederate statue in seven years.
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