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Q: Dear Sahaj, I hold a deep affection for my sister, and we have shared a close bond over the years. However, we currently find ourselves at a standstill, because she has chosen not to communicate with me.
A few years back, she graciously invited me to celebrate my birthday at her home in the Caribbean with our cousins with whom she shares a closer relationship. I encouraged her to enjoy the trip without me, but she insisted I join. During the visit, I learned my cousins felt they were brought along to help mediate between us, which was unexpected and disheartening. Additionally, I have noticed my sister sometimes has challenges with honesty and tends to inadvertently embarrass me in public; I reacted poorly. Fortunately, we managed to reconcile a few years later.
Recently, my sister formed a friendship with someone from high school who, unfortunately, has not been supportive. This friend has misconstrued and shared my private thoughts, leading to misunderstandings and conflict among my sister's friends. It appears my sister may have conveyed certain aspects of our past in a way that does not reflect my intentions accurately. While I tend to forgive easily, she tends to hold on to grudges.
Despite these challenges, I genuinely desire to rebuild our relationship. Unfortunately, my sister remains distant. Given that we are both in our late 60s, I would appreciate any advice on how to approach rekindling our bond.
— Rekindle
Rekindle: You and your sister had previous conflicts in which you were able to reconcile. So what has resolution looked like for you in the past? Looking back to previous patterns may help you understand how you both process conflict and what your respective needs are to resolve them. Alternatively, you may realize there was never true repair or communication, just acknowledgment and reverting to previous dynamics. This may be contributing to the unprocessed hurt and resentment in the relationship.
Your sister is more prone to holding grudges, but why? What is she protecting herself from? What needs or feelings is she having that aren't being met or validated? I'd also encourage you to think about why you "forgive easily." Is it kindness, or is it discomfort with confrontation disguised as kindness? Take some time to really consider: What are you both seeing differently? How have the roles you've been expected to play over the courses of your lives shaped your dynamics? And how have you both let others influence your relationship? Right now, you both navigate conflict differently, but you also seem to view your conflict differently.
Assuming both of your truths about your relationship are valid and real to each of you, acknowledging your different perspectives will be imperative. Your relationship with your sister is probably the one you've had the longest. This means your relationship may also be clouded with years of differing experiences, parental involvement and life choices that can all impact the relationship.
You want to acknowledge your own role in the issues that arise with your sister. You may not intend to hurt her, but the impact she feels is different from your intention. Why do you think this is? What are you struggling to accept about your own role in the estrangement with your sister? What parts of her experience can you validate? And when the time comes, how can you communicate, show up and behave differently to help bridge that gap in your relationship? This may also look like being mindful of whom you are talking to about your sister and how you are talking about her.
If you do eventually have a conversation with her, show curiosity for how she remembers and experiences your relationship. Explore your different perspectives and validate her feelings. Instead of trying to convince each other of who is right or wrong, how can you both choose to accept and respect each other's views? You can also find common ground and identify areas and values that you agree on. Identifying these can help you move toward a renewed relationship.
In the meantime, you can reach out in a way that respects her boundaries. Show your care and love during birthdays and milestones but don't incessantly ask to chat or spend time together. Focus on what you are getting and can have with your sister and continue to demonstrate your willingness to work at it.
Ultimately, you may want to consider working with a professional to really process the grief and pain of not having the relationship you want right now. That person can also help you differentiate your experiences and feelings about the relationship — and any conflict — from your sister's. After all, you don't need validation from her to validate yourself, and you can trust in what you've experienced while recognizing that she perceives it differently.
And remember: You can't control how she decides to move forward — or not. Reconciliation can only really happen when both parties are open and willing to have a different type of relationship with each other.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy.
Previously:
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