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It is time to stop whatever you are doing, take off your shoes, leave on your dress socks, and wrestle two snakes on the patio of a house owned by Mehmet Oz. You are a Kennedy. If you're not wearing an Oxford button-down and suit pants, you already are doing it wrong. Get Cheryl Hines in here to film this. The ocean has never been more blue.
Wake up, betas. It's time for the second installment of "Manly Activities With RFK Jr."
In our first installment back in February, we witnessed the secretary of health and human services drink milk in a hot tub with Kid Rock and ride a Peloton in jeans.
This installment is "Manly Activities: Animal Edition."
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. posted the 49-second clip to his personal X account Tuesday morning. This is a three-man-enter, one-man-leave situation. Two of the men are snakes.
No, social justice warriors. Keep up. Two of the men are literally black reptiles, backed into the corner of the tropical patio of Dr. Oz, who is the administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. Get in there. All you have to do is reach down and grab them with your bare hands. Do it now. Pick up the literal reptiles by their tails.
"They were having sex. … What are they?" a male offscreen voice asks.
"They're moccasins," RFK Jr. replies.
Moccasins are venomous, but what do you care? You have already battled high-fructose corn syrup.
"They're not moccasins," RFK Jr. amends. They are nonvenomous black racers.
"Are they biting?" the offscreen voice asks. Of course they are biting, you safe-space Tumblrina. See how they bite and bite. See how they fling themselves toward your calloused hands like a wrecking ball toward what used to be the East Wing of the White House. This is how you know you are alive.
Where, exactly, are we? That depends. Are you asking where Dr. Oz's beach house is located? That, we don't know. Are you asking which biblical plague requires a person to handle snakes in business attire against the backdrop of palm trees? That, we also don't know. In the Old Testament, a plague of snakes like this could be remedied by creating a bronze serpent and mounting it to a pole for all to see. This sounds like a job for the sculptor of "Don Colossus," the 22-foot-tall golden sculpture of President Donald Trump that was recently unveiled on his golf course in Doral, Florida.
You don't know if I'm joking, do you? Neither does Cheryl. That's the point. The point is that at least half of life with RFK Jr. feels like something you dreamed after ordering a party pack at Taco Bell. Is it real? It sure feels real in your lower intestines, doesn't it?
Back to the patio. The snakes are calming. How did RFK Jr. get them to calm? Wouldn't you like to know. Less than a month ago, he posted a picture of himself holding a bird by the throat that he said he captured at Dulles Airport. He has also spoken about strapping the head of a whale carcass to his car. Placing a dead bear in Central Park. Dissecting a raccoon by the side of the road. This man is a licensed falconer. He has a relationship with animals that most of us only dream of. Nightmares are also dreams.
"I fully expect to see him riding a giraffe at some point & it will kind of make sense," someone posted on X after the bird incident. RFK Jr. responded by posting an old photograph of himself riding a rhinoceros.
"Honey, honey, let them go," pleads Cheryl, as the snakes dart up again and again, gnashing at her husband's exposed flesh.
"Their mouths are huge," the offscreen voice chuckles, protected from the thrashing snakes only by the grace of God and the grip strength of a 72-year-old man.
"Oh, my G od. Bobby, please!" Cheryl cries.
The press office of the Department of Health and Human Services did not respond to a request for comment. We do not even know what we wanted them to say.
RFK Jr. walks closer and closer to the camera. The snakes are America. He does not let them go.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Previously:
• The Oscars are a lost cause
• I think I know why everyone's lost their minds over Taylor and Travis
• 02/23/23: Don Lemon returned with an apology in a can
• 06/02/22: The trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard was too much and not enough
• 03/30/22: The misguided chivalry of Will Smith
• 02/03/21: AOC compares the talking points of her GOP colleagues to the tactics of an abuser
• 11/10/20: The end of Trumpism? Yeah, keep dreaming
• 11/09/20: America's confused obsession with Mary Kay Letourneau
• 07/09/20: The debate over schools reopening isn't about education. It's about how parents are quietly losing their minds
• 07/06/20: Ghislaine Maxwell allegedly turned an intuitive female bond into a tool for abuse
• 06/10/20: The world is messy and hard to control. Take help, and give it, where you can
• 05/21/20: Knock, knock: Who's there? Answering the door is no joke during pandemic
• 04/15/20: Don't wave away frivolous pleasures. Those are also 'essential' in hard times
• 03/20/20: Pandemic, panic and toilet paper mathematics
• 01/13/20: Meghan Markle just flipped the princess fantasy on its big crowned head
• 01/08/20: In court, powerful men have a lot to gain by looking helpless
• 10/18/19: Does Mayor Pete sound assertive or ... shrill?
This time, it's not just female candidates beset by archetypes and associations
• 09/18/19: The messiness and meaning of Caroline Calloway
• 08/29/19: Andrew Luck, ultimate male?
• 08/12/19: Epstein did not deserve to keep his 'allegedlys'
• 08/02/19: The Dems' 2020 'Wife Guys'
• 01/09/19: R. Kelly, Kevin Spacey, Louis CK: How pretending to be bad boys helped them get away with being bad men