Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Variety reports Nick Reiner demands access to the $1.5 million trust fund his father Rob Reiner and his mother Michelle left him so that he can pay for his legal defense for murdering them. I'd say that was a much better deal than O.J. Simpson got to pay for HIS defense. Nicole didn't leave him a dime.

• Hunter Biden said Friday that he would be agreeable to run as VP on a 2028 presidential ticket with Governor Gavin Newsom. Their interests may intersect somewhere in the middle. Gavin once spent billions building a high speed rail while Hunter used to spend $10 to get high doing a rail of speed.

• Politico reports a survey saying voter cynicism in the U.S. is at an all-time high. It says the belief in political institutions is collapsing. America today has 2 political parties — the Republican Party, which lies and takes your money, and the Democratic Party, which lies and takes your money, only gayer.

• The White House hosted a festive birthday party for President Trump Sunday. He never missed Fashion Week, he ends each rally dancing to the YMCA Song, and he hosts wrestling matches between men in tights. He's smart to send JD to the Middle East because if he goes the Arabs might throw him off the roof.

• The Chicago Bears announced plans last week to move the iconic NFL franchise from Soldier Field south of downtown Chicago to a new domed stadium 25 miles away in Hammond, Indiana. The move continues a trend. The Mafia just closed their Chicago offices due to the high crime in the city.

• The World Cup in the U.S. opened Friday with America hosting 4 million fans from all over the world. It's great for our image. British fans say they love ranch dressing, the variety of delicious fast-food restaurants and they are fascinated at how we use refrigeration to keep our beer cold.

• Elon Musk officiated over the IPO of SpaceX Friday and the stock soared. It made the Musk the first trillionaire in world history. Elon likes to identify as African American because he was born in South Africa, which is like me identifying as Mexican because my mother went into labor at Taco Bell.

• New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani announced he will use the New York Housing Authority to seize apartment buildings from landlords he deems unacceptable. Democratic Socialists are always complaining that America's economic system is unfair. Look, if life was fair ducks would have shotguns.

• Cambridge University in England just published a research study about the long-term effects of beer drinking on a man's life span. The study found that for every beer a man drinks over 5 a week, it subtracts 9 minutes from a man's life. Thus, according to my calculations, I died September 3rd, 1846.

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