Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Vermont Socialist U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders made speeches throughout Maine Tuesday with Democrat Senate candidate Graham Platner. To me it was odd to see a Jew campaigning for a guy with a Nazi tattoo on his chest. This makes as much sense as Big Bird campaigning for Colonel Sanders.

• Senator Bernie Sanders barnstormed Maine campaigning for Senate candidate Graham Platner, extolling the candidate's commitment to Democratic Socialism. It's clearly defined. Democratic Socialists believe, as an article of faith, that it's okay to be wealthy as long as you feel just awful about it.

• The Treasury Department last week instructed the Bureau of Engraving to make a $250 bill with President Trump's portrait on it. However the $250 bill with his picture on it won't go into general circulation until he's dead. Trump has finally figured out a way to get Democrats to stop shooting at him.

• U.S. and Iran negotiators reached a Memorandum of Understanding to extend the cease fire 60 days that'd open the Strait of Hormuz. It gives time for a deal to be reached. We have to wait until the 3rd quarter earnings are released to learn which of the two sides won this war, Exxon Mobil or Chevron.

• Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent hosted the Thursday White House press conference and insisted Iran first open up the Straits of Hormuz to start talks. It should get bi-partisan support. Democrats have to agree that a gay guy demanding that the straits open up is a perfect way to kick off Pride Month.

• The Trump Accounts began Friday that provide toddlers $1,000 that parents invest in sure-bet index funds. Parents can put $5,000 a year in the accounts until the kids are 18 and it's an IRA. This way, in 2044 if State University has 20,000 kids, the College Republican Club will have 20,000 members.

• The FBI indicted an Iran agent for plotting to kill Trump's daughter Ivanka whose husband Jared Kushner is a U.S.-Iran negotiator. The mullahs are crazy sexist. I can see the U.S. being willing to end the sanctions for Iran's uranium, but Trump would never throw in his daughter as a deal sweetener.

• The NBA Board of Governors voted to overhaul the NBA Draft to stop teams from tanking to get a higher draft pick. The league's other problem is gambling. As much as I like Black History Month, why can't there be a Black Future Month so I can know who to bet on to make the NBA finals?

• Texas Democratic Senate candidate Jim Talirico said there are six sexes and that G od is all of them. In the early 1970s, Progressives claimed that God is Dead and 50 years later they say G od is Gay. The only conclusion I can draw is, G od was awakened by disco music and regained the will to live.

• Jill Biden launched her book tour Sunday telling CBS News she was frightened by Joe's 2024 debate performance with Trump and feared he was having a stroke. I think Jill went off the rails on his performance. Personally I thought Joe debated just as well as Abe Lincoln, if you dug him up right now.

• The London Daily Mail reports a truck driver in Great Britain was sentenced to prison last week for smuggling $10 million worth of cocaine inside a pair of panties in a shipment of Kim Kardashian's signature lingerie. You can guess the rest. Cops say there was plenty of room left in the panties for more.

• Brut Men's Body Wash hired a nationwide survey to find out which city in America has the most number of couples who have had sex while they're in the shower. Detroit won the survey, which reported that 86% of Detroiters say they've had sex in the shower. The other 14 % say they haven't been to prison yet.

• The U.S. Postal Service announced Thursday the USPS is cutting out all non-essential spending such as travel spending and office supplies due to a severe cash crunch. I see no problem. Last year the U.S. Postal Service lost $9 billion, making it by far the most profitable branch of the U.S. government.

• The Weather Channel predicted a slow hurricane season with 10-12 major storms and only 1-3 hurricanes. The same places always suffer the greatest damage. Tomorrow marks the start of hurricane season in the South, which means Waffle House is set to become FEMA's official warning system again.

• The New York Knicks made it into the NBA Finals for the first time in 27 years Tuesday, giving the NBA huge TV ratings. President Trump said he will attend one of the games to show his support. With 5 children by 3 baby mamas they should allow Trump to watch the game from the player's bench.

• UCLA boiled with tension Tuesday due to violent standoffs between Palestinian supporters and Jewish kids. Last month I was at a UCLA campus fair and I saw a Muslim kid in a booth offering to sell the entire Koran on one DVD. I asked him to burn me a copy, and that's when the trouble started.

• Chicago Police reported 26 shootings over Memorial Day weekend but no one was killed. It was a bad three days for marksmanship. There were 12 murders in Washington DC over the Memorial Day weekend when a dozen Trump assassins missed President Trump and accidentally shot each other.

• Universal announced Christopher Nolan's ancient myth action movie The Odyssey opens July 12th. The actress chosen to play Helen of Troy in Homer's Odyssey admitted she'd never heard of the classic story until she was offered the role. She explained she was never a big fan of The Simpsons.

• Matthew Perry's personal assistant Kenneth Iwamasa received 3 years in prison for his enabling role in the Friends star's fatal injection of ketamine in 2023. Iwamasa had been hired to function as Perry's sobriety companion. Thankfully he has since found a job as Tiger Woods' driving companion.

• Politico eulogized Senator John Cornyn's defeat in the Texas GOP primary Tuesday to Trump-backed Ken Paxton. It was the 8th straight victory for Trump-backed candidates over GOP incumbents. If Trump kills off any more white RINOS , Uganda is going to try him in the World Court for poaching.

• President Trump gave Iran a few more days to agree to a deal before he turns the conflict over to the Pentagon. It has to end on his terms, which I'd argue it has. Iran's army, navy and missile system are all gone, and Stephen Colbert's Late Show is off the air, so no one can say Trump hasn't won.

• President Trump added a new peace condition Tuesday that Iran be signatory to the Abraham Accords and that it includes Saudi Arabia. It's tricky to pull off. You'd have Muslims negotiating under Islamic Law, Israel negotiating under Judaic Law and America negotiating under Murphy's Law.

• PBS grimly assessed President Trump's physical exam Tuesday, which he passed with flying colors, saying it renewed media scrutiny into his health. CNN pointed out his many assassination attempts are a reminder of his mortality. It's like getting shot at is a health problem, like high cholesterol.

• Joe Biden sued the DOJ Wednesday to try to prevent the release of tapes of his interviews with the ghostwriter of his memoirs. Special Counsel Robert Hur found them while probing Joe's mental acuity and competency. Biden just got rid of his home stair lift because it was driving him up the wall.

• Business Week reported that Starbucks' business is rebounding after last year's unpopular price hikes. While I was on a date Sunday, my date insisted we stop in at a Starbucks, and I'd never been in one before. I'm still not sure if the woman in line ahead of me was ordering a drink or casting a spell.

• The Census Bureau reported Wednesday that the U.S. birth rate is at an all-time low of 1.7 child per family due to the Millennial generation getting married late. I'm just an observer. As a lifelong bachelor and skirt chaser, I've always believed that marriage kills love, while love kills about 20 minutes.

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