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Recently, I was getting a haircut and teasing my long-term stylist about the lack of inspirational-quote décor in her salon station compared to the one next to hers. Of course, she knows that teasing her is how I show my love and appreciation to her for not re-sculpting my earlobes with her straight razor or making my hair look like it was styled with a package of firecrackers.
Our discussion had us both laughing about how corny and unrealistic some inspirational quotes can seem, especially for those of us who are 50 or older. Take this one, for example, which is attributed to Oscar Wilde:
“With age comes wisdom.”
Now, I know what Oscar was getting at, but as I’ve aged, I’ve come to believe that a more accurate quote would be along these lines:
“With age comes wisdom – if you can remember where you put it.”
Below are some other inspirational quotes for the over-fifty realist. (Feel free to decorate your workspace with them.)
We’ll start with a few quotes related to the over-50 anatomy, what’s left of it, anyway:
“Seizing the day will probably require Tylenol tomorrow.”
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, and if I bend down too fast to pick them up, I’ll throw out my back.”
“Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man yawny, grouchy and tired.”
“There is a difference between listening and hearing, and you can’t do either if you don’t take a hedge trimmer to all of that disgusting hair in your ears.”
“You are what you eat, but if you want a six-pack stomach, it had better be bottled water–and it probably still won’t work.”
“Follow your dreams – just not the one about suddenly discovering that you’re naked in public.”
“Play like a champion every day, which often means being on the injured reserves with a hernia.”
“Count your blessings, not the number of times you have to get up to go to the bathroom each night.”
And more bathroom inspiration,
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – and the aftermath of too much Tex-Mex.”
How about some inspiration from our children?
“Children are a gift – until they reach puberty. Then they’re more like that weird bump that came up right in the middle of your back.”
“She believed she could, so she did (right after she borrowed her dad’s credit card).”
“The best things in life are free – except for children, pets, Tex-Mex, a decent mattress, air conditioning, comfortable underwear . . . .”
And while we’re on the subject of non-free things,
“Home is where the heart is. It’s also where appliance repairs will cost you at least $300.”
We’ll close with some inspirational randomness:
“If at first you don’t succeed, try a different screwdriver.”
“It’s always darkest before the dawn, especially during Daylight Savings Time.”
“Teamwork makes the dream work because you’re the one who does all the work and everyone else on the team is a doofus.”
And my favorite,
“Believe in yourself – even when your wife points out that you’ve put on your expensive, comfortable underwear inside out and backwards.”
I hope you’ve gained some inspiration from these quotes, but if you think they’re “cringey” or “mid,” I hope you’re enjoying your dad’s credit card.
Jase Graves is an award-winning humor columnist from East Texas.
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• Things I've done