• Budweiser launched a Bud Light on Us deal that gives you a full rebate for a case of Bud Light, to try to reverse the beer's new image. Last night I dreamed I was at the ballpark, and all they had to drink was Bud Light. It was okay, but for the next two days I squatted to pee and my bra was too tight.
• Bud Light reports business down thirty percent Thursday, costing Anheuser-Busch billions since angering customers with its woke transgender marketing campaign. It's a real mess. Either way, I'm glad to see it only took the fired marketing director for Bud Light one month to get hired by the Dodgers.
• Mike Pence ripped the L.A. Dodgers for saluting Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence trans nun group that mocks Catholicism. The stadium sits in a neighborhood of one million Hispanic Catholics. For its next community goodwill gesture, the Dodgers will host Prophet Mohammed Bobble Head Doll Night.
• President Biden boarded Air Force One to fly to Colorado Springs on Thursday and delivered the commencement address at the Air Force Academy. The young jet pilots should wish for Biden's luck. In the past Joe's survived two airplane crashes, and that was just while walking up the stairs to the airplane.
• President Biden caused concern Thursday when he fell down onstage after his speech to the Air Force Academy. It's no accident California's Senate just passed a new bill that would legalize LSD. You can't watch a president who keeps tripping and not want to tune in, turn on, and drop out with him.
• Donald Trump went storming through Iowa Thursday shaking hands and thoroughly enjoying himself with the locals as he campaigned for president. The studio audience went wild at his televised Iowa town hall. At one point, Trump was winning new voters faster than the FBI could get their names.
• ABC's Women of the View discussed the GOP presidential nomination race Wednesday and they called Governor Ron DeSantis a pint-size Mussolini. The ladies routinely refer to Trump as Hitler, ignoring the fact that Trump has three Jewish grandchildren. That is ONE terrible Hitler impression.
• House Republicans vowed Friday to move on FBI Director Chris Wray for his agency's favoring one side of the divide. The public is in on it, Last night in Los Angeles, I told a joke about the FBI that got such a big laugh I had to go out and rob a liquor store and get caught to keep from going to jail.
• The Wall Street Journal reported on a new phenomenon at the grocery store caused by inflation called shrink-flation. That's when there is less food in the same sized container or package for the same price if not higher. I noticed it today at the checkout counter when I bought a Two Musketeers bar.
• The Consumer Price Index rated Los Angeles America's most expensive city Friday. Last night I paid a hundred dollars to fill up my car, eighty-five dollars for a steak at Dan Tana's, ten dollars for parking, plus ten dollars to tip the valet. I swear, if I had a family they would have to fend for themselves.
• Clint Eastwood celebrated his ninety-third birthday at home in Carmel Tuesday. In the spirit of Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, he announced he's ready to have kids. San Francisco could really use Clint today, Dirty Harry is the only guy I know who fired six times and the last one was the warning shot.
• The Hollywood Reporter announced Tuesday that Al Pacino will become a father at age 82 one month after Robert DeNiro became a father at 79. The public's reaction has been unanimously congratulatory and supportive. Expect Biden and Trump any day now to announce they are dads again.
• The L.A. Dodgers face a fan boycott after inviting a satirical transgender troupe that dresses up as nuns and mocks Catholicism to Dodger Stadium on Pride Night next week. Fortunately the Dodgers don't need to sponsor a night to antagonize white Protestants. We've got the Women of the View for that.
• The L.A. Dodgers initially disinvited the transgender nun group that makes fun of Catholics but re-invited them under pressure to Pride Night. Dodger Stadium is surrounded by 3 million Hispanic Catholics. It's the dumbest thing the Dodgers have done since they honored Rodney King on Bat Night.
• Clayton Kershaw responded to the L.A. Dodgers inviting a satirical trans nun group that makes fun of Catholicism to Pride Night by sponsoring a Christian Faith and Family Night in July. That sums up today's America. I'm no longer speaking to my imaginary friend over our political differences.
• The New York Post reports that women fans of Taylor Swift's are reporting cases of post concert amnesia after getting too excited during a Taylor Swift performance. The condition varies. It's quite different than the cases of amnesia that some women have experienced after a Bill Cosby performance.
• New Jersey's former Governor Chris Christie was reported Wednesday preparing to run for the GOP nomination. Christie is planning to run as the anti-Trump. Airlines are considering weighing passengers and so he could be the first presidential candidate to campaign by train since Harry Truman.
• The DNC re-stated they'll not stage a presidential candidates debate in 2024. We won't know if Bobby Kennedy, Jr., is really connecting with voters until we hear he's colluding with Russia. For all we know, Biden might turn and walk the wrong way onstage and shake hands with Bobby Kennedy, Sr. FBI ex-director James Comey told CNN he can't understand why the FBI is seen as the KGB for Democrats. He shut down two Clinton investigations, ignored Hunter's laptop and launched the Trump-Russia collusion hoax. The Nixon Library just named him an Honorary White House Plumber.
• Donald Trump slammed former press secretary Kayleigh McEnany for citing poll numbers that showed him 25 points ahead in the race. He says he's 34 points ahead. Last week Trump commissioned the Gallup, the Harris, the Rasmussen, Zogby, Quinnipiac and Marist polls and they showed he is OCD.
• President Biden spoke to the graduates at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. Joe is expected to visit the NORAD headquarters in the Cheyenne Mountains which would quarterback a nuclear war with China or Russia. All I can say is, Colorado picked a great year to legalize mushrooms.
• The Insurance Institute reported that over sixty percent of serious physical accidents occur inside the home. Which reminds me, my thanks to the Cedars Sinai emergency room staff the other night. I don't want to bore you with the details, but the Dyson Ball Cleaner is a dangerously misleading name.
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