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Q: About 15 years ago, my father died, and I overcompensated for my guilt of not being a better daughter to him by lavishing my mom with gifts and love, as in: gifts of luxury bags, remodeling her home, setting up brunch parties for her and her friends, etc. This formed a dependency and attachment that is the basis of our issues today.
When it came time for me to marry, my mom could not handle it. She objected to my partner, citing nonvalid reasons like he didn't have a master's degree. We married anyway, and from then on she found endless reasons to pick fights with us. She complained about us not doing enough for her or how we lived 10 minutes closer to the in-laws than her. Once we had kids, and she saw how wonderful a father my husband was (he was wonderful all along!), he finally grew on her, and she mostly relented.
But her jealousy for my in-laws continues. Every holiday, birthday, special occasion becomes an opportunity to compare how much I'm doing for them vs her. We got in a big blowout fight one year because she thought I cooked more Thanksgiving side dishes for them than her. The final straw was my daughter's birthday, when she dropped a passive aggressive comment about me celebrating only with my in-laws (which is completely untrue!). And this was on the heels of me taking her on a two-week all-expenses-paid trip to Asia, where I bought her multiple luxury items, and hosting a luncheon at my house for her distant cousins. I lost it.
It's been 10 years of this, and I've just had enough. I cut her off and we haven't really spoken for six months, except to let her see the kids. Honestly, I feel like a weight is off my shoulders. I no longer have to tiptoe around her jealousy. But everyone keeps telling me to reconcile, and culturally it's not very acceptable to be estranged from your parents as an Asian.
Do I have to reconcile with my mom? She remains unremorseful; in fact she does not acknowledge she has any issues and gaslights me by saying it's all my fault.
- Distant Daughter
A: You believed you owed your mom everything - your time, your money, your availability - because of guilt. But over the years, you have started to challenge this belief. When you ask, "do I have to reconcile with my mom?" what I really hear is "What do I owe my mom and at what cost to myself?"
Your mom's "jealousy" here isn't just about the in-laws - it's about loss of control, proximity and being the center of your world. You lavished her with attention and care, and this probably became her main source of identity and validation. So when you started building a life that didn't orbit around her, she was losing not just your attention, but her own sense of worth. Jealousy from immigrant parents is often about loss, but instead of naming it as grief, it gets twisted into resentment or comparison. So your closeness with your in-laws is not about expanding your family and community but rather, it reinforces your mom's scarcity mindset and belief that your love is a pie to be divided. Clearly your mom is hurting, but no matter what you do, it seems like she is also unhappy and unkind.
So, should you reconcile with your mom?
This is a deeply personal decision, but I will say: You are allowed to choose your peace over obligation, even if that goes against cultural expectations. What you're describing - feeling lighter, no longer tiptoeing, recognizing gaslighting and lack of remorse - is significant. Just because something is "not acceptable" culturally doesn't mean it's wrong for you. There's a huge emphasis on filial piety, family unity and "respecting your elders" in Asian communities stigmatizing estrangement, but those values are leaving no room for your pain, your truth or your autonomy.
With that said, it doesn't sound like you have cut your mom off completely. You are still being generous and letting her see your kids and showing a level of compassion for her role in your family as a grandmother. Instead of framing it as "cutting her off," remember: you are just making room for yourself within this relationship - one that has solely revolved around your mom for a very long time. You are no longer choosing to abandon yourself within the relationship; this is new and unfamiliar but again, it doesn't mean it's bad.
Reconciliation doesn't mean going back to the way things were for the sake of keeping the peace. If your mom remains unremorseful, what exactly would you be reconciling to? The same dynamic that hurt you? While you don't have to reconcile, you can think about building a new type of relationship and dynamic with your mom (if you want anything at all). You can leave the door cracked without flinging it wide open, like having a limited relationship where you only talk or see each other around holidays and you keep conversations superficial and focused around your kids. Or it may look like broaching therapy or bringing a mediator in to help you both discuss what is happening in the relationship.
Regardless, find ways to accept the relationship without having to speak to her about it. This is more about your closure and healing from how the relationship has impacted you so it doesn't show up in other relationships or hurtful coping skills. You can protect your inner peace without externally requiring anything from the relationship - for yourself and to model for your kids what this can look like.
So, again, do you have to reconcile with your mom? No. But if you ever want to, let it be on your terms - and only after reflection and clarity about what version of the relationship you are and are not willing to participate in.
(COMMENT, BELOW)
Sahaj Kaur Kohli is a therapist and the creator of Brown Girl Therapy.
Previously:
• I love my partner, but I also want to focus on my dreams
• My in-laws' visits last for months. I'm at my wit's end
• I'm dreading celebrating my emotionally manipulative mom's birthday