Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

SIGN UP FOR THE DAILY JWR UPDATE. IT'S FREE. (AND NO SPAM!) Just click here.

• The Wall Street Journal reports the Transportation Security Administration updated its airport security marijuana rules for airline passengers. Airport security will now allow you to store medical marijuana in carry-on bags and checked luggage. Cocaine, however, must remain stored in your rectum

• Car and Driver forecast many new car designs and new customer options for the 2027 vehicles now on the assembly line. Today I went to the dealership and added Senior GPS to my car's Bluetooth menu. Not only does Senior GPS tell me how to get to my destination it tells me why I wanted to go there.

• The WHO declared a health emergency after Ebola broke out in the Congo Saturday. Ebola has no vaccine and it's right on time. The Deep State decided to feature Ebola this election year after Hantavirus performed poorly on Open Mike Night and was told to come back in 2028 with new material.

• The Sandy Fire in Simi Valley was assaulted by water cannons fired from airplanes Thursday as 17,000 residents were evacuated but only one home destroyed; The blaze is now 30% contained. Luckily the reservoirs were kept full this time because we have enough homeowners running for mayor.

• The Los Angeles mayor's race opened up a debate between candidates Thursday over quality of life issues. Last week an ambulance came to my apartment building and gave life-saving treatment to a young neighbor in his 20s. He nearly died of starvation because the Door Dash driver had a flat tire.

• President Trump said an Iran peace deal will make the Middle East prosperous and peaceful permanently. All signs are backing this up. For the first time, the Comic Con comic book convention is coming to Abu Dhabi, which means that terrorists no longer have to blow themselves up to see 72 virgins.

• Iran's president announced Iran is establishing what it called a controlled maritime zone in the Strait of Hormuz. They plan to charge tankers and cargo ships a toll to pass safely through the waterway. In related news, Somali pirates have now seized control of 3,500 of Minnesota's 10,000 Lakes.

• President Trump addressed an increasingly restive White House press corps Thursday and said he's giving Iran more time to agree to a peace deal before he attacks because he says the nuclear deal is very close. Only Hunter Biden, Charlie Sheen and I have been given more second chances than Iran.

• The DNC's report on the 2024 election blamed it on Biden's refusal to endorse Kamala. What they need are honest primaries free of at-large delegates. The Dems haven't had a nomination that wasn't fixed since 1992, and it gave us Brilliant Bill Clinton, the OJ trial and Oval Sex in the Oral Office.

• Politico reported that House Republicans pulled an Iran War vote off the schedule Thursday that called for a halt to the increasingly unpopular Iran War. Trump said that the risk of a nuclear attack by Iran is more concerning to Americans than temporarily high gas prices. Well, we showed him.

• The Senate adjourned until June Thursday after refusing to pass the ICE funding bill because Trump attached his $1.8 billion compensation fund. The fund professes to compensate victims of political targeting. It didn't look good when on the same day the LIV golf tour said it needs $1.8 billion to survive.

• Byron Allen rented the air time from CBS to host Comics Unleashed starting on Tuesday. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert was costing CBS $40 million per year. Only Terri Schiavo was on life support longer than The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.

• Daily Variety reports that Christopher Nolan's upcoming blockbuster movie Odyssey cast a black actress as Helen of Troy and a trans-gender as Achilles. It never ends. As long as we're re-writing history, I just saw an inspirational photo of Neil Armstrong planting the Confederate flag on the Moon.

• President Trump warned Iran if they don't agree to end their nuclear ambition that U.S. attacks may resume, and the blockade will remain in place indefinitely. His policy is not popular. Laxative sales were reported this week at an all-time high, so Americans are fundamentally opposed to blockades.

• Iran's Revolutionary Guard began training civilians in Teheran on how to use AK-47s to help the regime maintain order and machine-gun dissenting voices. In the past I've performed many nights at the Comedy Store on the same line-up with the great Maz Jabroini. He is Iran's only living comedian.

• President Trump gave a commencement address Wednesday to the graduates of the U.S. Coast Guard Academy. This past year the Coast Guard sank 50 cocaine speedboats in the Caribbean. The lost cocaine and high gas prices have delivered a double blow to the cost attending the Academy Awards

• President Trump scheduled a big announcement for Thursday regarding Iran peace talks after a tough two months on his popularity. He's just now realizing what Washington, Lincoln, Wilson, Roosevelt, Truman, Johnson and both Bushes knew and felt in their bones. Cease fires are un-American.

• The Southern Poverty Law Center is targeted by a GOP House probe for funneling millions to hate groups to finance bigger, angrier rallies. It scared more people into donating to the SPLC. The fact that it works has got Republicans seriously thinking about funneling millions to the Democrats.

• The DOJ filed murder charges against Cuba's Raul Castro for ordering the 1996 shoot-down of a U.S. plane helping Cubans trying to escape. The island is rich in sugar, oil, tobacco, and chocolate. You would think Republicans would say, you had me at oil, and overthrow the Castro brothers years ago.

• Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner was revealed in posts extolling the smell of blue water in a porta-potty. He said whenever he's in a porta-potty it incites him to masturbate. His campaign appearances could get huge laughs now when the emcee asks the audience to give him a great big hand.

• British police widened a probe of Jeffrey Epstein's underage trafficking in England Tuesday. A photo appeared to show Stephen Hawking as a guest at Epstein's tropical hideaway. If true, then if Pedophile Island had one nice quality it's that they took care to make sure it was handicapped accessible.

• House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jeffries called on black college football players in the SEC to boycott this fall to protest congressional re-districting in Dixie. This week blacks at Yale, Columbia and NYU have separate graduation ceremonies. Today, Prince would sing Tonight We're Gonna Party Like it's 1959.

• The Weather Channel reports that every year an average of 1,000 tornados and twisters hit the United States. Late May is the climax of tornado season and the beginning of hurricane season. It's a time when one guy at work keeps saying it's just a little breeze before his trampoline ends up in Alabama.

• The DEA on Tuesday trumpeted a dramatic drop in fentanyl smuggling into the U.S. However drug agents just found eight and one half million dollars worth of cocaine hidden inside a shipment of Kim Kardashian Signature Lingerie. It's the closest anything white has ever been to her bra and panties.

• The Simi Valley brushfire in Southern California expanded to 17,000 acres in one day Tuesday after it broke out Monday. I'm suspicious that the fire broke out the day after the big Evangelical rally in DC. For decades theologians have struggled to explain how a loving G od could allow California.

• The NFL awarded the 2030 Super Bowl to Nashville, home of the Tennessee Titans. With all the noise about Indian team mascots, it makes me laugh that the city is also home to NHL Nashville Predators. Last night the Predators drew 20,000 fans to the Bridgestone Arena for Underage Girls Night.

• President Trump gave reporters a tour of the construction site of the White House Ballroom on Tuesday and said there'll be military hospital underneath it. It could cause morale problems. The last thing a leg amputee needs to hear is the orchestra upstairs playing, I Could Have Danced All Night.

• Author Alex Haley's family are planning events to mark the 50th anniversary of Roots, the 1977 ABC miniseries dramatizing the black author's ancestors back to slave times. Race relations today are much better than in 1977. ABC couldn't even show Roots in the South until they re-titled it Happy Days.

• The University of Wisconsin conducted a study investigating the positive effect of sexual fidelity on the average lifespan of men and women. The study reported that you'll probably live a longer life if you love just one man or one woman at a time. And no, Democrats it doesn't apply if you alternate.

• GOP Congressman Thomas Massie fell in his primary to his Trump-backed opponent Tuesday following Senator Bill Cassidy's fall in Louisiana. The president's winning streak in GOP primaries continues. Trump has killed more RINO's in Red States than Teddy Roosevelt did in British East Africa.

• The National Security Council met in the White House Situation Room with President Trump to survey the current combat situation and weigh all their options. They see that the enemy has suffered significant losses but they remain intransigently defiant. And that's just the Democrats and re-districting.

• Salon ran an article urging Democrats, when they regain power, to conduct Nuremburg Trials for Southerners. At last my time is coming. As little boys, whenever we played Confederate soldiers defending the South against the North, I always played the defense lawyer against human rights charges.

• President Trump met with his security team Tuesday. he gave Iran until this weekend to agree to a deal or face war. If Trump can turn this regime into a peaceful government with no nuclear intentions, he'll join David Copperfield as the two greatest magicians ever mentioned in the Epstein Files.

• President Trump settled his suit against the DOJ for targeting his past tax returns. In addition to setting up a $1.8 billion defense fund to aid future partisan targets, the IRS agreed in writing never to audit Trump again. It's the kind of miracle you'd only normally get if Joel Osteen lays his hands on you.

• Homeland Security was targeted by complaints when pork sausages were served on the migrant deportation flight to Muslim Pakistan. We all have our quirks. Whenever Brigham Young wins the Mountain West Conference football title they pour Mountain Dew all over each other in the locker room.

(COMMENT, BELOW)