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• Politico reported the 2028 election will pit the most divided electorate in U.S. history against each other. I don't know which is more bizarre, Maine set to elect a Democrat who has a Nazi tattoo on his chest, or Los Angeles about to elect a Republican mayor. If this isn't Springtime for Hitler, what is?
• President Trump in his trip to China will confront China about exporting goods to the U.S. that are made in Chinese factories by child labor. I want to buy goods made in American factories by American children. The best way to get American kids off their phones is to have them make the phones.
• The Daily Mail reported that a cruise ship that was headed for Antarctica is quarantined off the tip of South America after three passengers died from the Hantavirus. It's tied to mice droppings. In order to keep their guests safe, all of the Disney Cruise Liners have made Mickey Mouse walk the plank.
• MacArthur Park in L.A. was raided by DEA agents Thursday who cleared the park of hundreds of meth addicts. I'll say this for meth heads, they don't wake up and say, Gee, I'm broke so I can't get high today. No, they get up and they make it happen, so don't you get out-hustled by a meth head today.
• Star Wars star Mark Hamill incited a firestorm Thursday by posting a photo of Trump lying dead in a casket above the inscription If Only. Not even the most gullible observer believed the photo to be real. If it were really Trump lying there you'd see an 18K gold sign on the casket reading Trump Casket.
• The U.S. Navy destroyed seven Iranian speed boats whose crews were trying to hijack tankers in the Strait of Hormuz. And last week Somali pirates seized a state-of-the-art British cargo ship off the coast of Africa in the Gulf of Aden. In an unrelated story Minnesota Governor Tim Walz has a new yacht.
• President Trump huddled with his military advisors Thursday to consider his next operation. So far we've had Operation Midnight Hammer, Operation Epic Fury, then Operation Economic Fury and now Operation Freedom. Iran has now undergone more operations of choice than Michael Jackson.
• Saudi Arabia urged Trump to re-order Navy escorts for tankers through the Strait after he shut it down Tuesday. It had been open before the war, then Iran shut it down before a U.S. blockade tried to force it open. The Strait of Hormuz has been opened and closed more times than Dick Cheney's chest.
• President Trump ordered aerial counter-strikes against Iran's coastal speed boat docks as well as Iranian missile and drone launchers. Navy planes bombed Iranian speed boat docks while all their missiles were shot down. It was a holiday and what's Cinco de Mayo without a lot of shots going down?
• A New York judge released a so-called suicide note by Jeffrey Epstein purportedly found by his cell mate. The note's syntax is awful, and not at all self-exculpatory like most suicide notes. I'd have explained that when I was recorded comparing 12-year-olds to 15-year-olds, I was talking about Scotch.
• Computer World says Instagram is engineering a bot purge resulting in huge follower losses for users. I joined Instagram only 4 weeks ago and my video joke clips have attracted 60,000 followers and the young comedians all tell me I'm blowing up. So much for my ever performing on an Israeli bus.
• Rookie QB Fernando Mendoza begins practice with the Las Vegas Raiders next week. Fernando is a wholesome kid in a town full of hookers, gambling, 24 hour bars, where every other bartender deals coke. If Franklin Graham tried to do his act in Vegas he couldn't convert an apartment into a condo.
• Maine Democrat Senate candidate Graham Platner took a big lead over GOP incumbent Susan Collins and the DNC is ecstatic over him, despite the Nazi tattoo on his chest. It's hilarious. Here we are waiting for Iran to surrender and the Democrats just gave up and said if you can't beat 'em join 'em.
• Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick told Congress he ended all contact with his N.Y. neighbor Jeffrey Epstein in 2005, but there's more. In 2012 Howard took his wife and his daughter Katie on a visit to Epstein Island. Thank God Katie made the right choice and decided to attend Stanford instead.
• President Trump signed an executive order reinstating the President's Physical Fitness program Tuesday. When I was a kid, we had to do 10 chin-ups, 60 sit-ups and run a 50-yard dash. Trump added dodging gunfire and catching illegal aliens for any kids who want to be in shape to become Republicans.
• Washington, D.C., federal judge Zia Faruqui apologized 3 times in court to the man who tried to sprint into the Correspondents Dinner with a rifle to carry out his vow to assassinate Trump. I get a feeling that the judge is a Democrat. He gave the defendant a stern lecture for running in a hotel lobby.
• House Republicans are advancing a White House security bill though committee which includes taxpayer funding for the ballroom that Donald Trump has begun constructing. I don't want to say it's too opulent but the cost of the ballroom has skyrocketed to $1 billion. It's made out of gas and sirloin.
• CBS News reported a big breakthrough when Iran agreed to another delay Tuesday. Iran doesn't need a navy when the insurance companies won't let the oil tankers through anyway. In insurance, I bet you that I'm going to die, then you bet me I'm going to live, then I pay you a fortune, hoping you win.
• Fox News anchor Bret Baier reported Wednesday on a phone call he had with President Trump who told him yet again that a peace agreement with Iran is near. We're 9 weeks into a 4-week war we won 8 weeks ago. At this point I still can't decide who won the war, Jimmy Kimmel or Sean Hannity.
• The New York Times was sued by an employee who says he was passed over for a promotion for being a white guy. He says it's their policy to promote black men, Asian females, Asian men and mixed race females. That's not a newsroom, that's the cast of a Netflix series Henry VIII and His Royal Court.
• Barack Obama told the New Yorker his marriage is under strain from his need to battle President Trump every chance he can. He's come a long way since 2004 when as a young Senate candidate he electrified the Democratic Convention declaring there is no white America, no Black America, no Hispanic America, and no Asian America, just ONE United States of America. Well, we showed HIM. .
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