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• Virginia Gov. Abigail Spanberger said she wants to create new taxes to pay for state services for illegal migrants. She may tax gym memberships and tanning bed sessions. Leave it to the Democratic Party to help brown people become Americans by taxing Americans who want to become browner people.
• Spirit Airlines ceased operations after 34 years Saturday, saying they couldn't bear today's high oil prices. Hundreds of low-cost flights were canceled, ruining many vacation plans. Vacationers seeking cheap flights to Mexico are now telling ICE agents they're in the country illegally from Cancun.
• President Trump was accused by Democrats of risking World War III by cutting off Iran's oil to China. I'm specifically worried about today. It's because the latest Modern Bible Translation states in the Book of Revelation that the end of the world will come the day Cinco de Mayo falls on Taco Tuesday.
• Coach Bill Belichick, 74, and much younger girlfriend Jordan Hudson, 25, were photographed on the celebrity red carpet at Churchill Downs at the Kentucky Derby Saturday. They were also seen at the betting window. I haven't heard which horse Bill picked but Jordan bet everything on Beneficiary.
• Dolly Parton was forced to cancel her Las Vegas residency at Caesar's Palace in September due to health reasons. She'd have attracted huge crowds. The hotel was planning to construct an exact replica of Noah's Ark containing 2 of everything – 2 elephants, 2 lions, 2 tigers, 2 horses and Dolly Parton.
• President Trump was reported by Fox news Monday to be nearing a decision to resume military strikes on Iran to force Iran's leader to accept his terms. He doesn't know who's in charge. Only two people have a legal right to call themselves the Supreme Leader, the Ayatollah Khameini and Diana Ross.
• President Trump launched a U.S. Naval escort service for oil tankers to pass safely through the Strait of Hormuz. He called it Project Freedom. In response the Iranian regime just issued a dire warning to the United States that Iran possesses an unlimited supply of dire warnings to the United States.
• President Trump invited South Korea to join the U.S. Navy escorting oil tankers in the Strait of Hormuz after Iran attacked a South Korean merchant vessel. All our friends are starting to help in any way they can. As part of their commitment NATO has agreed to provide escorts for Epstein Island.
• The Pentagon deployed Apache helicopters to the Strait of Hormuz Monday to help the Navy escort oil tankers. No one's watching the Caribbean. The Port of Houston is jammed with tankers from Europe being filled up with our oil and speed boats from Colombia dropping off this weekend's cocaine.
• The Washington, D.C., judge presiding over the attempted assassination of President Trump case apologized to the shooter in court Monday. We're probably closer to the next attempt than the last one. Trump has been shot at so many times you'd think he was the President of Death Row Records.
• The Secret Service engaged in a shootout with an armed gunman Monday who was spotted about a mile from the White House by cameras. It prompted a fist pump from the president. Trump feels that if his life isn't put in mortal danger every 10 days, he's losing ground to the next James Bond movie.
• Rudy Giuliani was so close to death in the hospital Monday a priest gave Rudy the last rites but then he recovered. In 2001 Rudy left the World Trade Center just minutes before the attack. Trump called to congratulate his pal for surviving a near death experience and remind him the score is now 3-2.
• The DOJ stepped up probes of hospice fraud in L.A. and day care center fraud in Minneapolis and health care fraud in Ohio. The Democrats can be grateful for one thing. All the publicity has taken the heat off the Southern Poverty Law Center for paying the Klan $3 million to punch up their act.
• President Trump spent the weekend in Florida as he weighed his options facing him whether to try to out negotiate with Iran or unleash the U.S. Navy. On Sunday Trump announced Project Freedom to open the Strait of Hormuz by using escorts. In that neighborhood, they can command $10,000 a trick.
• Fox News said other airlines plan to honor canceled Spirit Airlines tickets after they shut down Saturday. A crowd-funded attempt to buy Spirit totaled $23 million before the site crashed. Many of the Spirit Airlines pilots will now have to go back to their previous jobs as carnival Tilt-a-Whirl operators.
• Business Week reports that lice removal companies are doing a record business this year as the parasites resist home remedies. It was reported that 48 states now host lice populations that do not respond to over-the-counter drug treatments and cures. Naturally this has doctors scratching their heads.
• Churchill Downs in Louisville hosted the 152nd running of the Kentucky Derby Saturday. We all watched Golden Tempo streak past the field on the homestretch to win in a thriller. In keeping with tradition, the winner was draped in roses and the last place horse was sold to Outback Steak House.
• President Trump signed an executive order in the Oval Office last week which creates matching fund IRA accounts for Americans whose employers don't provide them with 401k accounts. This is great news for stand-up comedians. Until now we just had to live with the fact that Coin Star takes 11%.
• Somali pirates hijacked a United Arab Emirates oil tanker in the Gulf of Oman on Saturday and then demanded a king's ransom for its release. It was ever thus. Back during the 2024 Summer Olympic sailing competition, Australia took the gold, England took the silver and Somalia took the boat.
• The Pentagon will draw down a 5,000 U.S. troop brigade from Germany which is 17% of the troop number in Germany. Ever since World War II the U.S. has stationed thousands of troops in Germany and Japan. Americans will go from fighting you to protecting you if you can make a quality automobile. .
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