Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• President Trump's polls inched back up in the Fox News poll to 42% amid war concerns and high gas prices. Democrats are worried now that Trump's survived two impeachments and three assassination attempts. History teaches us that no party ever got rid of a president after starting out 0-5.

• The Saudi Public Investment Fund announced it will pull funding for their LIV Golf Tour. The LIV stole long-hitters off the tee Phil Mickelson, Jon Rahm, Bryson DeChambeau and Dustin Johnson from the PGA. Only Tiger Woods and Britney Spears are more famous for their driving.

• Britney Spears was formally charged with driving under the influence of alcohol in the Ventura County courthouse. She was pulled over drunk in March and failed the sobriety test. In Beverly Hills AA it's customary for the speakers to begin by talking about their days on The Mickey Mouse Club.

• The Hollywood Reporter reported that executives at Amazon are considering bringing back President Trump's 12-year-long hit The Apprentice and having Donald Jr. host it. Presidential sons are a safe ratings bet. A&E is considering casting Hunter Biden as the celebrity patient on Intervention.

• War Secretary Pete Hegseth battled Senate Democrats in hearings Thursday. He pledged to quit drinking during his confirmation hearings but that doesn't protect him from euphoric recall. After the 21-gun salute to King Charles on the White House lawn Tuesday, Pete shouted, Long Live the Keg!

• Democrat Senators ripped Trump's war policy in Hegseth's hearings. They say when Trump attacks Iran he's Hitler and when he agrees to negotiate he's a coward. All in all, Trump has to be like the Veterinarian-Taxidermist who advertises that Either Way, We'll Get Your Dog back to You.

• The Daily Mail noted before Tuesday's state dinner that President Trump and King Charles are 15th cousins back to the Earl of Sussex in the 1500s. How nice. My ancestor Lord James Hamilton married King James II's daughter Mary in 1487 and I had dinner Tuesday night with the Burger King.

• President Trump removed tariffs on Scotch whiskey Thursday as a favor to King Charles. Today a bottle of 40-year-old Macallan's Scotch cost $300-$400. When I was a child, my Grandmother Georgia advised me not to drink, but if I do drink, don't drink Scotch because it makes the Yankees rich.

• King Charles wrapped up his U.S. tour Thursday with a visit to Virginia. Defeated Cavaliers moved in 1649 after the Puritans won the civil war and outlawed the Church of England, the House of Lords and nobles in the army. You'll find thousands of Stuarts in Virginia phone books and not one Cromwell.

• Fox News said social media is wild with theories claiming the Hilton assassination attempt was staged, citing video that shows everyone looks scared when shots rang out but not Trump. He wears a look of excitement. He knows he's just one more assassination attempt away from a free Third Term.

• President Trump was reported briefed by U.S. military commanders in the White House Situation Room Thursday on a campaign they described to Trump as the final blow against Iran. I'm sure it could work, it worked for me. I did my final blow on November 2nd, 1986 and I surrendered the next day.

• The Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that Congressional districts that separate the electorate by races are unconstitutional. The High Court has de-segregated schools, they've de-segregated country clubs and now they've de-segregated Congress. I live in the fear that Neapolitan ice cream could be next.

• Universal's biopic Michael opened in movie theaters nationwide on Friday, depicting Michael Jackson's life, his career, his scandals and his death in bed in 2009 at his Santa Barbara estate. The movie drew millions of customers. In tribute to Michael, the theaters offered candy to the little ones.

• Little Caesar's Pizza teamed with drone manufacturer Fly Tex to deliver pizza to the front door of customers by drone aircraft. From now on, if the Ayatollah hears a drone outside heading his way he doesn't know if it's the Israelis or the deep dish pepperoni he ordered. Either way it's to die for.

• Pacific Palisades resident and TV reality star Spencer Pratt launched his campaign for Mayor of Los Angeles Tuesday. He released a video showing his trailer where he lives on his burned down home property. For her part, Mayor Bass just emptied the L.A. reservoir to prepare the city for fire season.

• Congress will vote on a Farm Relief Bill this week that guarantees payment to exporters in order to prop up farm income. It's all a mystery me. Americans are so separated from their actual food sources they'll just eat a Pop Tart at any time without ever knowing how to hunt and kill one themselves.

• President Trump said he'll end the Iran blockade if they give up their enriched uranium and agree not to blockade the Strait of Hormuz. The Strait of Hormuz can easily be blockaded by an enemy to jack up oil prices. The Gay of Hormuz is a gas station in West Hollywood that's charging $7.99 a gallon.

• The White House hosted a state dinner for King Charles Tuesday where the King presented the President with the bell from a World War II British submarine, The Trump. The HMS Trump was engaged in 12 fierce sea battles in the South Pacific. Only President Trump has taken more enemy fire.

• King Charles in his speech to Congress gave them a history of US-UK wartime alliances. They could use it. U.S. Rep. Ilhan Omar was reading a TV teleprompter Monday and referred to World War II as World War Eleven, which if I remember right, started when the Japanese bombed Spinal Tap.

• The DOJ released photos Tuesday that accused assassin Cole Allen took of himself in his Hilton Hotel room proudly showing his knives, shotgun and pistol. He staged the third attempt to shoot Trump in 2 years. Iran just offered to broker peace talks between President Trump and the Democrats.

• Cole Allen was arraigned in federal court for trying to assassinate Trump Monday. The bitterness expressed in his manifesto might explain why he took a train from L.A. to Washington. His Trump Derangement Syndrome was so bad the airlines tried to charge him an extra 10% for emotional baggage.

• The Supreme Court struck down gerrymandering of House districts to achieve a racial electoral result. Many districts are crazily contorted to be black House districts. A good art thief could steal a museum's Picasso and replace it with a map of Louisiana's congressional districts, and who'd know?

• The FBI raided Somali day care centers in Minnesota that stole an estimated $9 billion through welfare fraud. Fifteen years ago Somali pirates stole a U.S. gold shipment in the Red Sea and buried it. The FBI may release R Kelly from jail to help find it because no one can find 15-year-old booty like this guy.

• FBI ex-Director James Comey was indicted a second time Monday. This time for posting a photo online last year of seashells on a beach arranged in a coded message to kill Trump. I don't normally give out the debit card pin number I have had for 30 years, but I face extradition if I don't change 8647.

• EPA Secretary Lee Zeldin got into a war of words with Senate Democrat Sheldon Whitehouse in hearings. Lee said he won't take morality lessons from a guy who belongs to an all-white golf club. I had no idea that Sheldon Whitehouse ever stepped foot on the Moon because I think that's the last one.

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