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• The Weather Channel reports tornado season arrived on the Great Plains right on schedule this past weekend. OKC TV stations report tornadoes slammed into Southern Oklahoma and completely destroyed the Dollar Tree Distribution Center. Damage estimates are in the tens of dollars.
• Caitlyn Clark signed a $28 million Nike deal and her Indiana Fever jersey sales topped every male sports jersey sale in history, and she celebrated her one-year anniversary with her boyfriend. Caitlyn is America's brand-new sweetheart. It gives Taylor Swift a new song about being dumped again.
• A Delta airliner returned to JFK Friday after the Boeing 757 fuselage began shaking due to an unbolted door. All year long, jet engines, doors, fuselage parts and panels have fallen off Boeing planes in midair. Had Isaac Newton never been born, Boeing would be credited with discovering gravity.
• White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre admitted Monday she has no idea how much of the anti-Israel protests President Biden sees on TV. I don't know how he could miss seeing the situation. Today Russia and Ukraine jointly offered to send peacekeeping troops to Columbia University.
• Columbia roiled in turmoil Friday when pro-Palestinian protestors maintained tents on campus and shut down classes. One student posted video of himself on social media declaring Zionists don't deserve to live. If he's identified by the school administration, he could get twenty to forty years of tenure.
• South Dakota's Governor Kristi Noem wrote that she decided to shoot her dog herself rather than have a veterinarian put it down humanely. Her decision was opposed by one hundred percent of Americans surveyed. No one thought it was possible for a Republican to bring this country together.
• Ukraine forces fell back in the east Monday before the next round of U.S. billions in military aid arrives to help keep the war going. U.S. policy is based on the insane belief that Ukraine will defeat Russia. Having Ukraine as an ally is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling addiction and no car.
• The London Daily Mail reported that the first passenger flying car was successfully tested in Europe last week. The traffic in L.A. is so bad it's gotten to the point we'll try anything to avoid it. This past week I painted a giant H on my backyard lawn to see if I can trap a helicopter, wish me luck!
• Buckingham Palace reported Saturday that King Charles will return to his public duties after fighting off cancer and he plans to lead a wellness crusade by promoting active lifestyles and healthy diets. Last week my doctor told me to watch what I eat. What channel is the Cheeseburger Network on?
• Howard Stern interviewed President Biden Friday, giving the president an audience of millions on Satellite Radio. Stern was careful not to ask the president about his claim that his Uncle Bosey was shot down over New Guinea in World War II and eaten by cannibals. I heard Corn Pop got a drumstick.
• Harvey Weinstein's sexual assault convictions were overturned by the New York Supreme Court on Friday. But Saturday, Weinstein had a medical emergency and was rushed to Belleview Hospital. After only twenty minutes in the ER, Harvey took a turn for the nurse, but she only does mouth to mouth.
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