An old co-worker is back and publicizing my cringey history

Q: More than a decade ago, I used to work on the same team as "Brad," who pursued me romantically. I was initially not interested, but after two years we started dating. Then, after a few weeks, he ghosted me. It was messy and painful, because I was young and very much in love. I sent him two texts calling him a lying jerk, but in harsher terms. Our manager said I was hurting the team dynamic and transferred me to a different office in the same city. I was happy to go. I cringe just thinking about how immature and unprofessional my actions were after the breakup.

Also on our team was Abby, a toxic person who seeks out drama and creates conflict everywhere she goes. In the three months we worked together, Abby created workplace issues with two other people. She was also throwing herself at Brad. It was so obvious that her boyfriend broke up with her over it.

I am now happily married and work for a different company thousands of miles away. My company recently hired Abby. She has been asking people if I've been "harassing any men," and then retelling everything that happened. I was always friendly and professional with Abby, so it's not like she has a grudge against me.

How should I handle this? Do I ignore it and hope it dies down? Do I go to HR? Do I tell people she didn't come out of it smelling like roses either? Do I look for a new job? I'm just so tired.

A: I'll take you at your word that this was a one-time, sorely regretted incident when your youth and emotions overrode your professionalism, and you learned the hard way about love bombing. (I might even argue that the person truly responsible for hurting the team dynamic was the one who spent two years badgering a teammate into a relationship, but that's not helpful now.) Ordinarily, I'd tell you that people will catch on quickly that Abby is a drama-feeding muckraker, and you can safely ride out the gossip cycle by sticking to the high road.

But her language takes things well beyond dishing about a messy breakup. If she's falsely insinuating that you have a history of harassing men in general, that's potentially harmful to your reputation, depending on how credulous and cutthroat your colleagues are. You need to get ahead of that narrative as soon as possible.

Cornering her in the bathroom is tempting, but inadvisable. Asking if she's heard from her ex recently, as a coded way of letting her know you also keep receipts, would probably be too subtle a hint to burst her soap-opera bubble. Also, bear in mind George Bernard Shaw's adage about wrestling with swine in their own element: You'll both get dirty, and she'll like it. Instead, you would be best served by bringing the problem to a third-party authority who can intervene, whether that's your manager or your HR department.

Give your drama-free synopsis: "Ten years ago, in another job, I was briefly romantically involved with a co-worker. It ended badly, and I regret the experience and have never repeated that mistake." If pressed for more details, keep it brief but honest: "When he abruptly ended things, I was hurt and sent him a couple of rude texts." Subtext: You were unprofessional, but not violent or dangerous. You accepted the consequences and moved on.

Then outline the problem and your request: "Unfortunately, someone who worked with me back then is now spreading embarrassing and embellished stories about that time. I'm concerned her narrative is undermining me and hurting my reputation, and I would like it to stop." If your company has a general policy against bullying - including, for example, spreading rumors or gossip intended to humiliate - this would be the time to spell out how you believe Abby is violating it.

You might be counseled to go back and discuss the matter with Abby yourself. But getting it on the record with HR first may be useful if Abby ups her game to more blatant harassment or starts creating trouble for other colleagues.

Otherwise, should any co-workers care enough to inquire about your past, you can simultaneously own and defuse the intrigue with an eye-roll: "Yeah, that's when I learned firsthand why dating a co-worker is a bad idea." Assuming your colleagues know you as a mature, levelheaded professional, they will soon see Abby's hot gossip for the cold tea it is. They will realize, as you should, that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

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Previously:
• Your questions about the Paycheck Protection Program and furloughs
• How to cope with colleague you resent
• Resumes: Getting past the electronic gatekeeper