Strait Man

As you know, in deference to the divergence of opinion among readers, we are now starting each column by linking to an alternative position to my own - that's to say, a pro-war analysis. Long, long ago, I lunched at the White House with George W Bush's speechwriter Marc Thiessen. After articulating Iraq and Afghanistan for the forty-third president, here he is arguing that to date the Iran war is "the greatest military campaign ...since the American Revolution".

In that case, let's hear it for Lindsey Graham, the greatest military strategist since Alexander the Great, at least: he's so good he can cut in line at Space Mountain, which I'll bet the Duke of Wellington couldn't get away with. Senator Graham is also the master of misdirection: Distracting the ayatollahs by strolling around Disney World waving a bubble wand at any passing bubble butt is the greatest military feint since Alexander deceived King Porus as to the river crossing he'd be using in the Battle of the Hydaspes in 326 BC. With Lindsey doing his Disney princess routine, no one will be paying attention to the totally obscure and neglected Kharg Island.

Meanwhile, back in what passes for the real world, the war aims continue to shrivel. I don't really consider "opening up the Strait of Hormuz" a genuine war aim, as the Strait of Hormuz was entirely open until America launched the war. However, even that objective is now being consigned to the back-burner:

President Trump told aides he's willing to end the U.S. military campaign against Iran even if the Strait of Hormuz remains largely closed, administration officials said, likely extending Tehran's firm grip on the waterway and leaving a complex operation to reopen it for a later date.

By "a complex operation", think of, oh, a half-century of Republican promises to close down the federal Department of Education.

Note, by the way, that "administration officials" who are still in the loop (unlike, say, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard) are now leaking to the media the President's abandonment of "strategic" goals. Invited to respond to the leak, the White House referred inquiries to remarks by Marco Rubio. I initially assumed they meant this viral and forthright clip:

Clear pic.twitter.com/AyCkPlZThu

— Mike (@Doranimated) March 29, 2026

But, upon closer inspection, the Administration is directing queries to yesterday's interview with Hashem Ahelbarra of Al Jazeera, where Mr Rubio is rather less "clear":

QUESTION: Iran said it rejects the U.S. demands, and they set its own conditions, such as the financial compensation and also recognition of its sovereignty over the Strait of Hormuz. Are those demands acceptable from an American perspective?

SECRETARY RUBIO: Well, not only is the sovereignty over the Straits of Hormuz not acceptable to us, it won't be acceptable to the world. No one in the world can accept it. Number one, it sets an incredible precedent. So this means that nations can now take over international waterways and claim them as their own. The United States could do that now, other – the Chinese could do it in the South China Sea. No one in the world is going to accept that, or should accept that.

Hmm. Four weeks ago, I compared the Israeli-US assault on Iran with the Israeli-Anglo-French assault on Egypt in 1956, and mused on whether it would prove to be America's Suez moment. I didn't mean that so literally that it would come down to a tussle over an economically vital "international waterway", but lo, such has come to pass. The Secretary of State continues:

Now, let me be frank. Very little of American energy comes through the Straits of Hormuz in terms of the energy we rely on, but we recognize the impact that it has on global markets and on our neighbors, especially our allies in the region who produce energy and have to get it out to market. So no country in the world should accept it, the regional countries in the world shouldn't accept it, the United States will not accept that condition. It's an illegal condition that they're demanding. That's just not going to happen.

So what are you going to do about it? Rubio offers some generalities about this and that, and then returns to the Strait:

We are well on our way or ahead of schedule. We will achieve them in weeks, not months. And then we'll be confronted with this issue of the Straits of Hormuz, and it'll be up to Iran to decide. And if they choose to try to block the straits, then they will have to face real consequences, not just from the United States but from regional countries and from the world.

Oh. Which sounds like a slightly more subtle confirmation of the Oval Office leak. So it seems Lindsey Graham's bubble wand can't open up a strait. Who knew?

Or, as the President's latest Truth Social message to Nato puts it, it's your problem, not ours:

"All of those countries that can't get jet fuel because of the Strait of Hormuz, like the United Kingdom, which refused to get involved in the decapitation of Iran, I have a suggestion for you..." - President Donald J. Trump pic.twitter.com/aPYmL0qspa

— The White House (@WhiteHouse) March 31, 2026

For the distressingly small number of warmongers interested in what the enemy's up to, news from the Iranian parliament:

A parliamentary committee in Iran has approved plans to impose tolls on traffic in the Strait of Hormuz, according to the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC)-affiliated Fars news agency.

It reports that a member of the national security commission has confirmed the approval of the plan, which would also see US and Israeli ships barred from moving through the strait.

It adds that, under the plans, other countries that have participated in sanctions against Iran would also be barred.

So a month ago Iran controlled four per cent of global oil. Now they control twenty per cent - and their parliament's plan is for the "Tehran toll-booth" to become a permanent fixture. Which would mean they control more of the world's oil than America.

And, given that the US uses almost all of its oil itself, that means half of the remaining 196 countries will have to do business either with Iran or that other sworn enemy, Russia. Heckuva bubble wand, Lindsey. And the quickest way to do that is to negotiate terms for an Ayatollah E-Z Pass.

So, whether or not the regime is enriching uranium, it's certainly enriching itself. As they sing at Princess Lindsey's favourite fantasyland:

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through.

Indeed. Tell it to the mullahs.

Mark's international bestseller America Alone: The End of the World as We Know It. If you haven't read the book during its first seventeen years, well, you're missing a treat. It's still in print in hardback and paperback. (Buy it at a 77% discount by clicking here or order in KINDLE edition at a 47% discount by clicking here. Sales help fund JWR)

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Mark Steyn is an international bestselling author, a Top 41 recording artist, and a leading Canadian human rights activist. Among his books is "The Undocumented Mark Steyn: Don't Say You Weren't Warned". (Buy it at a 49% discount by clicking here or order in KINDLE edition at a 67% discount by clicking here. Sales help fund JWR)