Musings

Laying on the table, so to speak

By Garrison Keillor

Published April 13, 2026

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I took a cab over to the East Side to see my surgeon Thursday, always an interesting experience to chat with a man who took a sharp blade and made a hole in me and messed around with internal things. I was unconscious at the time and it was only my shoulder, he wasn't inside my skull where language is stored and the neurology that enables you to walk and be mannerly and remember the jokes and also the Beatitudes, but still.

My primary doc chose him because his doctor friends told him that Sam is the best shoulder man in New York and my primary man is very well connected. You don't want to be looking through the Yellow Pages or googling, you want to get the inside scoop, and doctors gossip about each other and know who's who. You don't recommend a surgeon just because he's a golf partner. This is one difference between medicine and politics: competence is expected. If Sam had been like the guys masterminding the war on Iran, he would've replaced my shoulder with my right ankle.

He is a friendly guy, he asked me how I'm doing, I said, "I'm able to put on my pants while standing up, I don't need to sit on the bed." He said, "That's good." He said, "Lay down on the table."

I liked that. You don't "lay" on the table, you "lie" on the table. This tells me he wasn't an English major, which is to his credit. I was one because I wanted to be a writer, which is like majoring in chemistry because you want to be a bartender. But I don't want my surgeon to come to medicine by way of Shakespeare or James Joyce. I don't want a surgeon who is self-conscious and who thinks of me as a metaphor.

He flexed my arm and shoulder, testing range of motion, showed me a couple of simple stretching exercises to do twice daily, and said he'd see me again in two months. I think you can tell a lot about a doctor by his tactile style, you don't want to sense hesitance, you want to sense confidence, but you can feel that the doc is aware that you're a living human being, not a plaster model.

It isn't important to me that Sam went to Harvard. I don't hold his Harvardity against him either. If I knew he had voted for Trump in 2024, I'd be off the table and out the door, goodbye, have a nice life. I'm okay with the fact he's a serious skier, it means he probably has some orthopedic problems of his own. If his hobby were stand-up comedy, I'd be, like, Uhhh, let me think about this. Comedy is self-deprecating and I don't look for that in a doctor. A dancer? Okay. A flamenco guitarist? Great. A poet? I'm outta here.

I've read a lot about crises in American health care and I don't disagree with any of it, but medicine has been awfully good to me. Open-heart surgery came along in 1952, and fifty years later, when I needed it, it was almost routine, and it has given me thirty extra years (and counting) beyond what relatives had who were born with the same congenital heart defect. The valve problem was detected by my cousin Dan, who's a doctor and who listened to my radio show and heard shortness of breath and sent me to Mayo where they sent me up to surgery.

It changes your point of view, to be given the gift of life. I was brought up by evangelicals so I am no good at cursing, I just don't have the language for it. I've heard third-graders use obscenities with authority that, coming from me, would be ridiculous. I once played Scrabble with my wife and noticed, on my letter rack, a four-letter obscenity that I could've played for 47 points and I did not. She is a kind loving woman but she is also a driver in Manhattan and in that role, she employs an amazing range of profanity. I love to sit next to her and listen. For me, "Oh for heaven's sake" is about my limit.

But when you've had your heart repaired several times, and a pacemaker installed in your chest, and a man has replaced your busted shoulder, and you partake of daily pills that ward off seizures and other mishaps, you welcome the day with gratitude. Thanks for reading. G od bless us. Share

Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality. His latest book is "Cheerfulness". Buy it at a 38% discount! by clicking here. Sales help fund JWR.