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• The White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington did not hire a comedian to host it. There are plenty of other banquets where we are welcome to entertain. I just got invited to perform at the Southern Poverty Law Center's annual fundraising dinner honoring the Grand Wizard.
• The Southern Poverty Law Center was found to be supporting far-right groups to scare donors out of more money. George Clooney gave $1 million to the SPLC who took the money and gave it to the Ku Klux Klan and Neo-Nazis. While that fact is shocking, it's way more entertaining than Oceans 12.
• Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche spelled out Southern Poverty Law Center's charges for funding hate groups they oppose. I'm angry they missed me. The SPLC never gave me a nickel and I threw a fit at age 6 when I went to the movies and realized Damn Yankees was a musical and not a Civil War movie.
• The Southern Poverty Law Center was targeted by the DOJ on Tuesday. The SPLC is not only facing federal fraud charges for working with the Klan and neo-Nazis to raise more money from donors. They are also being sued by Mel Brooks for stealing the plot of his next movie, Blazing Liberals.
• The Senate used budget reconciliation to bypass the filibuster and pass funding for ICE and the Border Patrol. The amendments produced fireworks. The GOP senators failed to attach Voter ID to the bill when 4 Republicans and 48 Democrats voted no, after showing their IDs to get into the Capitol.
• President Trump signed an executive order to reduce marijuana to a Class III drug Thursday, which allows much greater federal research on its effects, its risks and its benefits. There's a difference between marijuana and liquor. Five drunk guys will start a fight while five stoned guys will start a band.
• President Trump ordered the Navy to sink any Iran boats laying mines in the Strait. He tripled the mine-sweepers as the Ford, Lincoln and Bush aircraft carriers arrived. There are so many huge U.S. Navy ships just sitting there in such a small waterway, I'm just glad we're on good terms with Japan.
• President Trump plans to talk trade with King Charles at the White House today. Last year Trump said he'd consider the King's invitation to join the Commonwealth. I can't think of a funnier way to celebrate the 250th anniversary of America's Independence than by rejoining the British Empire.
• A Harvard Gazette study reported that laughter is good for your mental, emotional and physical health. It found that the average person laughs out loud an average of 10 times a day. Of course that number doesn't apply to people who work in hospices or special needs schools, it could be ten times that.
• Marine Biologists Tuesday who warned that urban runoff into rivers in the Pacific Northwest is resulting in salmon that have been testing positive for cocaine. But waiters enjoy serving Cocaine Salmon because it describes itself. The proper table setting is a knife, a fork, a spoon and another spoon
• California's Attorney General told high schools that Native graduating seniors are allowed to wear tribal regalia and tribal costumes to graduation. How colorful. I can just see the kids accepting their diploma while wearing sandwich boards reading Morongo Casino – the Loosest Slots in California.
• The Los Angeles Dodgers were ripped by opposing managers Tuesday for being able to have an additional pitcher than the 12 allowed because Shohei Ohtani plays both ways. They're off to a roaring 16-6 start in the battle for the National League West. CNN says the Dodgers are losing the war.
• The NFL player draft began Thursday in Chicago, stoking the hopes of every NFL fan. Today in the supermarket parking lot, a cop driving by told me I'd just parked in a handicapped spot. I told him the Cowboys are going to win the Super Bowl next season, and he apologized for bothering me.
• King Charles arrives in Washington Monday for four days with President Trump and a White House state dinner. Last year the King honored Trump with a state dinner in England. It's the first time Charles and Donald were on the same island together since Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself.
• FBI Director Kash Patel sued The Atlantic magazine for $250 million for publishing an article that said he was getting drunk all the time. The headline scared me at first. When I first read Kash Patel was getting bombed, I thought Pakistan had attacked India, and that World War 7-11 was back on.
• President Trump extended the cease fire Tuesday in order to give Iran's military and religious factions time to form a unified government with powers to negotiate a deal. Right now no one knows who's really in charge in Iran. Analysts say it's reminiscent of the U.S. during the Biden administration.
• Fox News reported President Trump intervened in Iran and kept eight women, one of them 16, from being hanged for street protesting. The mainstream media was skeptical. CNN pundits claimed he made it up, and MSNBC checked to see if the 16-year-old's name was mentioned in the Epstein Files.
• The 5th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Texas schools are allowed to post the Ten Commandments in public schools. Interestingly, they're not allowed to be posted in the U.S. Capitol. Congressmen complain the commandments that forbid lying, stealing and adultery create a hostile work environment.
• The FBI is reported working furiously to try to solve the case of the disappearance and deaths of 11 top U.S. scientists. They had top security clearance and now they're gone. Democrats quickly pointed out that our top nuclear physicist, Eric Swalwell, lives at 1809 Olive Street NW in Georgetown.
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