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• Michael Jackson's career and trials are depicted in a movie, Michael, that's released in theaters April 26th. The day Michael died, the driveway leading up to his Santa Barbara estate was a scene of chaos. Dozens of children rushed up to the locked mansion gate before the cops arrived and let them out.
• The Hollywood Reporter noted the movie industry is buzzing about the premiere of the Michael Jackson biopic out Friday. His career was like no other. Michael started out as a black super-star who delighted white audiences and turned himself into a white super-star who delighted black audiences.
• Legendary TV comedy producer George Schlatter, 96, was honored at an event in Hollywood Monday. My mentor plans to donate the scripts of all his Laugh-In shows, stand-up TV comedy specials and comedy awards shows to the National Archives. Only the voters have sent more jokes to Washington.
• Tom Cruise agreed to star in a Top Gun 3 film sequel on the condition he again gets to do all his own stunts. In his latest Mission Impossible movie, Cruise hung onto the wings of an airliner as it took off; It inspired thousands of Iranians to convert to Scientology hoping they can do the same thing.
• The New York Mets are reportedly in danger of their manager being fired only two weeks into the season after a disastrous start. They spent $500 million on players and they're already in last place. On a positive note, there's no danger of anyone getting mowed down in a victory parade this year.
• National Geographic reports marine biologists examined sharks in the Caribbean and found them all testing positive for cocaine. It's from all the drug boats the Navy destroyed last year. Walt Disney studios just announced their next underwater sea adventure movie will be titled Finding Kilo
• A Bobby Kennedy bio says he cut off the penis of a dead raccoon he found on the road during a vacation so he could research it. It's part of his war on Pfizer. If raccoon penis provided an instant cure for erectile dysfunction, men would cancel their Viagra prescriptions and eat them like potato chips.
• Live Nation Ticketmaster was found to be guilty in federal court of engaging in monopolistic practices and price gouging in their concert ticket sales. They sounded contrite. The ticket brokers announced they deeply regret their actions and to apologize they'll now be adding a $15 We're Sorry fee.
• The House passed a bill Thursday to shield 350,000 Haitian immigrants from being deported for the next 3 years. Gangs of cannibals now mete out justice in Haiti's capital city. The Saudis may cut off your hand if you get convicted for shoplifting, but at least they won't eat it to celebrate the verdict.
• President Trump flew to Las Vegas Thursday to tout the positive effects of tax cuts. Every time I go to Vegas, the town makes me feel like both Trump and Biden. Whenever I arrive in Las Vegas, I act like a bombastic high-roller know-it-all and after three days I can't remember where I parked my car.
• President Trump said he will host peace talks between Israel and Lebanon Thursday as a two-day fragile cease-fire held with Hezbollah. If successful, the neighborhood would be pretty well all cleaned up. Hamas stopped fighting last year after all their best rock throwers got signed by the Dodgers.
• Jackie Robinson Day was celebrated with great fanfare Wednesday at Dodger Stadium. The great player ended all-white Major League Baseball in 1947. In that spirit, Kanye West continues to praise Hitler and ask to be included by the Nazis, but some sports simply refuse to change with the times.
• The DOJ launched probes of California's $600 million hospice fraud on top of their probe of day care fraud in Minnesota. Last year 240,000 Americans over 144 years old were on the rolls who were collecting unemployment. But not until they finished building that huge Pyramid on the Las Vegas Strip.
• The U.S. aircraft carrier Bush joined the carriers Lincoln and Ford off Iran's coast, joining 37 U.S. war ships enforcing the blockade at the Straits. Still, CNN claimed Wednesday 8 Iran oil tankers were able to run the blockade. If true, then Iran's new naval commander is David Copperfield.
• President Trump said in a Fox News interview Wednesday that the Navy blockade of Iran is working and could end the war any day. In one day the blockade costs Iran $500 million. To put that number in perspective, that's enough money to pay Eric Swalwell's legal fees for the next two years.
• The L.A. District Attorney launched a rape probe of Eric Swalwell Wednesday. He first became famous for his loud flatulence during a live video interview in 2019. I don't want to say Eric passed gas again while videotaping his denial, but the canary was alive when he walked in the recording studio.
• Eric Swalwell resigned from Congress by letter Tuesday as the number of his female accusers rose to five women. It gave other women the courage to speak out. Yesterday at a news conference, Caitlyn Jenner came forward to disclose that for years, she was inappropriately groped by Bruce Jenner.
• Joe Biden spoke at Syracuse University for the unveiling of his portrait in the law library this week and misidentified a black board member as former President Obama. It happened again the next day. While being driven home in the Delaware suburbs he spotted a lawn jockey and shouted Hi Barack!
• New York Mayor Mamdani spoke at the site of the future government-owned grocery store that ties grocery prices to public policies. It won't open until 2029, three long years from now. Customers of the government store were assured that the price of Wesson Oil will go down if the war was over by then.
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