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• CBS enjoyed huge ratings for Sunday's final round of the Masters golf tournament in Augusta where Rory McIlroy escaped from trouble in the woods on the final hole to win for the second year in a row. Rory is the first to repeat since Tiger Woods. Now he just needs to get two DUI's and they're even.
• Conde Nast forecast a heavy summer airline travel this summer for domestic flights but added that international travel is way down, creating ticket bargains to Europe. For my summer week off, I just scored an incredibly cheap airplane ticket for a flight from L.A. to London. We have a layover in Iran.
• Saudi Arabia this week provided $24 billion in financial backing of Paramount's takeover bid of Warner Bros Studio to focus on global film and TV productions. The culture adjustment is tricky. The Bachelor was a failure in Saudi Arabia because in Episode One the bachelor said I'll take them all!
• The Coachella Music Festival attendees in the California desert had to settle for Justin Bieber as this year's headliner. Last year Bernie Sanders made a surprise appearance and the crowd went wild when he walked onstage to the microphone. They thought Jerry Garcia had returned from the Dead.
• California governor candidate Eric Swalwell suspended his campaign and resigned from Congress, and he vowed to fight accusations by four women that he sexually assaulted them. The Manhattan DA is considering criminal charges. If convicted Eric could get 4-8 years in the White House.
• President Trump took down a meme he'd jokingly posted of him depicted as Jesus. The ecumenical reaction was unanimous. Trump brought Catholics, Evangelicals and High Church Protestants together for the first time since the Democrats nominated Joe Lieberman for Vice President.
• President Trump answered the door at the White House Monday for a Door Dash food delivery from McDonald's. It cleared up an earlier misunderstanding. When Trump told his aide to order a McDonald's takeout the aide ordered the U.S. Navy to take out McDonald and replace him with Wendy.
• The U.S. Navy deployed mine sweepers in the Persian Gulf Friday to locate and blow up mines in the Straits of Hormuz. Great, but did anybody consider the effect of the noise on marine life? The sharks are already on cocaine, and the explosions make them fear that the cops are just outside the door.
• President Trump ordered the U.S. Navy to blockade all Iran's ports and prevent any ship from leaving or entering Iran. It was last successfully done by the U.S. against Cuba in 1962. However I am afraid the difference is, Trump isn't aided by Marilyn Monroe's wise counsel like Jack Kennedy was.
• JD Vance returned from Pakistan Sunday after a 21-hour-long session. The meeting ended without an agreement which, depending on your perspective, was either a failure or the plan all along. At the White House softball game Saturday the Shah spent the entire game sitting in the On Deck Circle.
• Fox News said 122 empty oil tankers are headed for U.S. for a refill. The rest of the tankers are trapped in the Straits, forming a circle and a Sloth Anonymous support group. The speaker opens with, Hi, I'm Exxon Valdez II, and I have been doing nothing for 3 weeks, and all the other tankers clap.
• Walt Disney's new CEO Josh D'Amaro announced 1,000 layoffs at Disney which will affect its movie, television and streaming operations. But the Disney theme parks are doing huge business thanks to the park's brand-new attractions. The Pirates of the Persian Gulf are depicted by real Iranians.
• The L.A. Times reported companies are interviewing college seniors at campus job fairs across California this month. When my OU fraternity brothers made it to corporate job interviews our senior year the interviewer took one look at them and had one question. Where do you see yourself in 20 beers?
• The Pentagon expressed jubilation Tuesday over the successful U.S. Navy blockade of all oil tankers and merchant ships trying to leave Iran. The numbers raised a lot of eyebrows. The U.S. Navy intercepted six oil tankers Monday, tying Tony Romo's NFL record of six interceptions in one day.
• Eric Swalwell was jettisoned by Democrats who leaked his well-known sexual misconduct and brought out his accusers to bury him. He exited the governor's race and resigned from Congress. Eric Swalwell's career crashed so hard that when it woke up, Bill Cosby was standing over it in his bathrobe.
• Nancy Pelosi led a host of Democrat power players in Washington who denied ever knowing Eric Swalwell had a sexual misconduct problem, when it was common knowledge in D.C. To be fair, I did hear one Democrat concede Eric has a zipper problem. He didn't say if it was his mouth or his pants.
• Beverly Hills attorney Lisa Bloom produced a rape accuser against Eric Swalwell at a press conference and demanded a police probe. Lisa is the daughter of the legendary sexual harassment L.A. attorney Gloria Allred. Powerful men in Hollywood refer to their legal office as the Nutcracker Suite.
• President Trump on Monday disclosed that the U.S. might stop by Cuba after the Iran military operation is concluded, calling it a failed state. It was reported this week that in Cuba, 80% of basic consumer products are in short supply. In fact, Cuba is the only banana republic that is out of bananas.
• A Chicago man was arrested Monday for threatening to kill President Trump. Recently a new Secret Service agent shouted Mickey Mouse! at a Trump assassin causing him to drop his gun. His supervisor asked him why he yelled Mickey Mouse. He said he panicked and meant to say Donald Duck!
• British and French leaders agreed to deploy their navies to keep the Straits of Hormuz open at risk of provoking DNA memory. The comedy begins when British war ships first spot the French war ships and sink them out of habit. Look, there's either a Lord Nelson Monument in London or there's not.
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