Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Michael Jackson's life and death is the subject of a new Hollywood movie, Michael, which will open April 24th. When Jackson died in his sleep, the L.A. Coroner ruled he was on Dilaudid, valium, demerol and hospital-grade propofol. There's no way Michael left us for a better world than THAT one.

• Artemis II's three man-one woman crew was scheduled to splash down after circling the moon Friday just off the shore of San Diego's Navy base. The city is home of the most strip clubs of any city in the world and is the Asian massage parlor capital of California. The crew voted 3-1 to land there.

• Governor Gavin Newsom's wife Jennifer burst onto the public scene last week telling murder convicts in San Quentin Prison that she once ran over her sister in a golf cart and killed her. The governor reacted appropriately in my opinion. He just named Tiger Woods his running-over mate in 2028.

• Californian Paul Randall pleaded guilty Thursday to orchestrating a Medicaid reimbursement fraud scheme in a criminal conspiracy with a local pharmacist that netted them $279 million. The arrest sends a clear message to anyone who'd defraud the California taxpayers. The limit is $269 million.

• Melania Trump went on TV Thursday and demanded an end to news reports that Epstein introduced her to Trump in 1998, but the rumor is silly anyway. In 1998, Melania was 28 years old and Epstein would never be accused of trafficking 28-year-olds. Where is the fun in something if it's legal?

• ABC Late Night host Jimmy Kimmel called Trump a war monger Monday. Then when Trump agreed to a cease fire on Tuesday Jimmy called Trump a chicken. Last night Jimmy performed a miracle during his monologue when a Republican audience member got up from his wheelchair and left.

• President Trump met with NATO's Secretary General about Iran Thursday. After pressure from Trump, NATO member nations agreed to help out in the Straits of Hormuz. Britain will send its navy, Canada will send its Special Forces, while Spain, Italy and France will provide refreshments.

• President Trump warned the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Thursday that the oil tankers had better be allowed to pass through the Straits of Hormuz as agreed to by the Ayatollah. Gas prices are consolidating our drive-by shootings in L.A. Last week the Crips and the Bloods began carpooling.

• The Iranian Revolutionary Guard is reported charging a toll of $1 a barrel on all oil tankers en route to Europe through the Straits of Hormuz. Well, Oklahoma charges oil transport trucks $36 to pass through on the turnpike between OKC and Tulsa. So if you ask me, Europe's getting off easy.

• President Trump told NBC News Thursday he's optimistic JD Vance will reach a deal with Iran in Pakistan. In 2025, Trump brokered a cease fire between the two nuclear armed powers Pakistan and India. But no one in the media gives Donald any credit for preventing World War 7-Eleven.

• The World Health Organization staged a test pandemic game simulating the next outbreak of Ebola. Not one American paid any attention. We'll get to the Ebola virus just as soon as the chemists at the Mars confectionary plant in Yorkville, Illinois, finish perfecting gummies that taste like Mexican food.

• Readers Digest published a study showing that arguments that end in quick reconciliation are good for couples. The study poll says 79% of men apologize to their spouses to end an argument, even though they know they're right. The other 21% are sleeping on the couch while being technically correct.

• Wall Street celebrated on news of the cease fire in the Middle East and oil prices fell on news of the opening of the Straits of Hormuz, hopefully ending a long six weeks at the gas pump. The South was hit hard. Gas is so expensive in Tennessee that Dolly Parton was seen carpooling with Jolene.

• The University of Mississippi in a survey rated the top college for fraternities and sororities. It gave me a wealth of friendships and life experiences. It has been 50 years since my ATO brother burst into the waiting room shouting, It's a boy! and believe me, that's the last time we went to Thailand.

• The Minneapolis City Council is set to approve allowing public bath houses to operate in the city where customers are free to engage in sexual activity. This isn't going to end well. So when ICE stages a raid on illegal Somali migrants in these bath houses they may literally be pulling families apart.

• Vice President JD Vance was dispatched by the president to Pakistan this weekend to spend the next week negotiating a final peace deal with Iranian officials. The war raged for 38 days. A two-week cease fire is in place with Iran after Trump threatened to send Bruce Springsteen there to perform.

• The Pakistan-brokered 2-week cease fire between the U.S. and Iran held Wednesday. However, the cable news war rages on. Every morning CNN throws President Trump in jail trial for war crimes, then every afternoon, Fox News frees Trump and praises him for raising the dead and healing the lame.

• Gavin Newsom's wife Jennifer spoke to San Quentin Prison murder convicts Friday. She told them that when she was six years old she accidentally killed her sister by running over her in a golf cart. It's taken 25 years but Democrats may finally have someone who can beat Tiger Woods at his own game.

• South Korea reported Wednesday that North Korea has launched four missiles toward South Korea. They fell short and landed harmlessly in the sea. Over the last 20 years, so many of North Korea's missiles landed just offshore they provide a protective barrier reef against a U.S. Marine invasion.

• Iran proposed a 10-point peace plan demanding control of the Straits, a right to make nuclear weapons and the U.S. military leaving the region forever. It gets worse. After reading Iran's demands, I posted my own condition for Mideast peace, demanding that the U.S. fixes me up with Sydney Sweeney.

• Iran declared Wednesday that the Straits of Hormuz are once again closed because they want Israel to stop attacking Hezbollah. Iran kept the Straits of Hormuz open for about 10 hours before breaking its word. The straits closed faster than the road production of Fiddler on the Roof in Islamabad.

• Senate Democrats refused all calls this week to pass Voter ID even though 80% of Democrats favor it. The left wing is calling the shots. Progressives keep trying to pound a square peg into a round hole, and when they realize it won't fit, they go on cable news and call the hole a racist.

• JD Vance gave an impressive press conference Wednesday spelling out U.S. hopes for a lasting peace with Iran while still articulating U.S. demands at the peace talks. Vance is verbally gifted and calm, non-threatening and never repeated himself once. He is being sent to Pakistan for showing up the Boss.

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