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• The CIA said it used a futuristic tool called the Ghost Murmur to find the downed U.S. airman in Iran. It uses new technology and AI to isolate and locate a long-range target by its heartbeat. The CIA reported we can now find you if you have a heartbeat. And if you don't you can still vote in Chicago.
• Kanye West was denied entrance to the UK by the UK government where he was scheduled to headline the Wireless music festival. Kanye is the only American public figure who gets excited when you call him a Nazi. It makes him think the Nazis finally dropped their first rule and voted him in.
• Tucker Carlson shocked his old fans Monday calling for the U.S. military to refuse any order by President Trump to attack Iran any further, claiming that Trump, the CIA and Israel are plotting a nuclear war. I don't think Tucker Carlson has lost all his marbles but there's definitely a hole in the bag.
• The Sacramento Bee reported that the statues of Cesar Chavez, California's legendary farm workers union founder, are being taken down after revelations of his raping 12- and 13-year-old girls. His statues can't be taken down fast enough. It's so bad they're being replaced by statues of Bill Cosby.
• President Trump gave Iran a profane warning Sunday, even dropping the F-bomb on them if they don't agree to his 15-point peace proposal. Christian conservatives winced at his language but he made it up to them. Trump vowed to resort to Conversion Therapy if he can't make the Hormuz Strait.
• The New York Post disclosed U.S. intelligence reports on the state of Iran's rulers. It revealed that the Ayatollah is in a vegetative state and unconscious and unable to take part in any decision making. The only thing Iran can do now is nominate Kamala Khomeini to take his place without a vote.
• Fox News saw a huge spike in the ratings with its patriotic coverage of the Iran war, topping even CBS. The Ayatollah was reported in a coma Monday but an old friend came to the hospital to sit with him, and he turned the TV on to Fox News. The Ayatollah got up and changed the channel.
• President Trump announced a two-week cease fire with Iran Tuesday so they can finalize a peace deal. Trump killed 40 Iranian leader on the first day of the war and Trump killed 50 Iranian leaders on the final day of the war. Chuck Schumer announced the final score reads Our Hitler 90 -Their Hitler's 0.
• President Trump announced on Monday he has agreed to a two-week cease fire with Iran. It all begins with the opening of the Straits of Hormuz. I can never figure out which side wins our wars in the Middle East, the munitions contractor Lockheed Martin or the re-building contractor Halliburton.
• President Trump vowed to bomb Iran into the Stone Age if they didn't meet conditions starting with Iran opening up the Straits of Hormuz. I understand Iran's intransigence. My neighbors here call me the Straight of West Hollywood and they want to open me up too, but it's never going to happen.
• President Trump posted a threat to destroy Iran's power plants and bridges if Iran's regime didn't come to peace terms. Only 1% of Iranians are able to log onto the Internet. Last night my Internet went out for one hour so I talked on the phone to my brother and sister and they seems like nice people.
• The White House hosted thousands of kids on the South Lawn Monday for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. In 1889, President Benjamin Harrison introduced music to the Easter Egg Roll. The crowd enjoyed performances by John Philip Sousa, the U.S. Marine Corps Band and Madonna.
• The UCLA Lady Bruins won the NCAA women's basketball tournament Sunday and brought a national basketball title back to Westwood. Lauren Betts was awarded the Most Outstanding Player trophy. Imagine being the best women's college basketball player and they hand you a mop as your reward.
• Gayle King lauded the Artemis II mission Monday and defended her own 6-woman Blue Origin space flight last year with Katy Perry that lasted 11 minutes. Gayle called it a real space flight and Katy called herself an astronaut. If 11 minutes in space makes you an astronaut then I'm a gynecologist.
• Artemis II crew swung the capsule into its historic orbit of the Moon Monday. The flight made history earlier that day by flying past the Moon, making the Artemis II mission the farthest that man has ever flown away from the Earth. The bad news is, California is taxing the trip ten dollars a mile.
• The Artemis II mission was nearly scrapped while orbiting the Earth on Friday when the toilet stopped working. The nation held its breath. I can't be the only comedian who thought that this is the scene where NASA sends up a plumber to fix the problem and gets seduced by the female astronaut.
• The Treasury Department just reported that the National Debt surpassed a record $39 trillion for the first time in history blamed on high interest rates, budget deficits and runaway government spending. Interest payments alone are $1 trillion a year. It's so bad Ethiopia is throwing a concert for us.
• Fox News interviewed retired generals Monday who agreed Trump keeps his real war plans to himself to keep the enemy off balance. The president even keeps his office staff guessing. Every time he picks up the phone and orders takeout, they have no idea if he means McDonald's or a bridge in Iran.
• President Trump gave Iran a final warning to come to terms by Tuesday or he will bomb their power plants and oil fields. The stalling was getting annoying. Last week Trump said he's giving Iran two days, a couple of weeks and maybe a month to open up the Straits or there'll be hell to pay.
• President Trump vowed to pull out of NATO Sunday. Our special relationship with Britain would not change nor our Five Eyes intel sharing with the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. Exiting NATO would leave Europe in the hands of Germany so what possibly could go wrong?
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