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• The U.S. military pulled off a rescue of a U.S. pilot who ejected from a crashing F-15 over Iran, crawled wounded up a mountain and hid until U.S. special forces shot their way in and rescued him. After that it got even bloodier. Hours later Tom Cruise crawled over broken glass to get the movie rights.
• The Weather Channel reports that Tornado Season in the Southwest arrived right on time last weekend. A string of tornadoes battered Oklahoma City and one twister landed right next to the city's famed Will Rogers World Airport. It's the only airport ever named after somebody killed in a plane crash.
• The Supreme Court heard a case on birthright citizenship last week. Chinese are having babies born in the U.S., then flown back to China to be raised, and then later legally infiltrated into the U.S. Birthright citizenship is like me claiming I'm Japanese because my mother went into labor at Benihana's.
• The Wall Street Journal said the Artemis II's orbit around the moon signifies that the race for colonization of the moon is wide open now. All the U.S. flags planted on the moon by American astronauts have been bleached white by radiation. This officially makes the moon a province of France.
• The Senate and House reached agreement to fund Homeland Security and pay TSA agents after Trump's executive order paying them anyway. ICE agents have remained stationed at the airports and the lines at the security gates have disappeared. Next I say we have ICE operate at DMVs.
• President Trump signed an order directing the NCAA to implement a new rule limiting college athletes to one school switch and to 5 years of college eligibility. I'm glad that 5-year maximum didn't apply to college comedians. I graduated from Oklahoma after 3 terms – Nixon, Ford and Carter's.
• President Trump vowed to destroy Iran's cell phone towers on Saturday. Gee, that could end social media's control over them. I sure hope we're next. Last night I returned home from the Comedy Store to a nasty notification from Facebook demanding to know where the hell I‘ve been for two hours.
• Donald Trump Jr. unveiled an architectural model of the planned Donald J. Trump presidential library in Miami. It's a futuristic 47-story high glass structure designed for the Miami skyline that's sure to draw millions of visitors night and day. The neon sign at the entrance reads Our Slots Pay 98%.
• The Wall Street Journal poll showed an alarming decline in support in the U.S. for capitalism, which showed only a 54% support for free markets. You can always spot a born capitalist. Last week the owner of Only Fans died and at his open casket funeral he charged everyone $50 to look inside.
• The CBS News food tracker analyzed food prices for March and showed food inflation price hikes by 2.2 percent. Other outside factors like the Bird Flu have driven up poultry prices. Chicken is so expensive I've started catching sea gulls, but you have to cook them quick or they eat all your chips.
• Bryon Noem, husband of ex-HHS Secretary Kristi Noem was busted living a secret double life as a cross-dresser obsessed with big boobs. Kristi didn't mind learning that her husband has a cross-dressing fetish. In fact, Kristi suggested he put on a dog costume and go for a walk with her in the woods.
• Fox News cited an Associated Press report on Tuesday conceding that twenty to thirty million illegal immigrants from Mexico and other Latin American countries entered the U.S. in the last ten years. Whatever we're doing it's not working. How is it were still not competing for the World Cup?
• President Trump made plans to attend the Supreme Court arguments on birthright citizenship Wednesday. It's the first time a president attended the Court in session. At least with Trump there they might finally have some security at the Supreme Court and people will stop shooting at the Justices.
• ABC's Women of the View ridiculed a woman at the CPAC Conference who gave a speech urging women to have more children than they can afford. The View has a half-dozen co-hosts who don't exactly inspire impregnation. The Navy could deploy them in special ops in Iran as Whale Team 6.
• President Trump pointed out to reporters Tuesday that birthright citizenship was intended for the children of newly freed slaves in 1866. It was a consequential era. The Civil War settled the great moral question over whether America's crops were going to be picked by slaves or by Mexicans.
• The New York Post reported that President Trump has been negotiating with the Speaker of Iran's parliament Monday. Trump says this conflict with will be over soon. From the president's latest posts it's starting to look like the war with Iran was merely spring training for our war with NATO.
• President Trump was targeted by 3,000 protests that spent Saturday calling Republicans Nazis and Trump Hitler. This after Democrats shut down Homeland Security to keep illegal aliens from being deported. King Charles is coming to DC in April, so the Iran war may result in a regime change after all.
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