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• President Trump addressed the nation Wednesday and said the war with Iran will be over in three weeks. The next day, it was reported that so far, the Iran war has now cost the world economy $650 billion. To put that in perspective, that's enough to cover Tiger Woods's car insurance for an entire year.
• Tiger Woods announced he's going to rehab after he crashed his SUV again and was arrested for DUI. He was scheduled to host the Masters sponsored by Mercedes-Benz this week. The difference between a golf ball and a Mercedes is, Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree.
• A Florida Judge gave Tiger permission to go overseas to rehab Tuesday. Right now the U.S. is bombing Iran and threatening NATO, while China and Russia back Iran, and North Korea threatens L.A. with a new hypersonic missile. Going overseas just feeds Tiger's addiction to near-death experiences.
• The Chicago Bulls made news last week by cutting Jayden Ivey from the team for expressing his religious opposition to the team celebrating Pride Month. He's a happily married Christian. The Bulls have offered to let Jayden re-join the team if he will agree to knock up a side-chick and do cocaine.
• The USOC began selling tickets Friday for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles. The host city is adding 5 sports--baseball, cricket, flag football, lacrosse and squash. To add local flavor, at the Opening Day ceremony, Arnold Schwarzenegger will light the Olympic flame with a burning L.A. cop car.
• Consumer Report warned of higher vegetable prices due to huge demand and soaring costs of production. I've refused to eat vegetables since I was 6 years old when I discovered to my horror in an Oklahoma City restaurant there are onions inside onion rings. It's like Vietnam, it changes you, Man.
• Artemis II will orbit the moon preparing for Artemis III that'll land on the moon in 2027. So far, the only men to walk on the moon were 12 guys between 1969 and1972 who hit golf balls on the moon, and they were all white guys. It gives Augusta National a chance to say, you see, it wasn't just us.
• Homeland Security warned that terrorist groups including Iran's regime have sleeper cells that infiltrated the U.S. during Biden's open borders. They're here in L.A. Last week at my grocery store parking lot in West Hollywood, I got angry with a suicide bomber over a parking spot, and he went off.
• Attorney General Pam Bondi was fired by the president Thursday amid relentless criticism of her in Congress for what many perceived as her foot-dragging in the investigation of powerful men the Epstein files revealed. Criminal prosecution is like frying eggs. A little bit of Pam and nothing sticks.
• The Supreme Court took up the hotly debated subject of birthright citizenship. Yesterday was a landmark day for human rights because only two people were arrested worldwide. The first was a North Korean who failed to escape to the United States and the second was a Mexican who succeeded.
• Bruce Springsteen interrupted his Minneapolis concert Tuesday, making four angry political speeches. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. Bruce denounced Trump for wanting to keep foreigners from obtaining birthright citizenship and then ended the concert by singing Born in the USA.
• PBS aired a story on interracial marriages Friday saying 19% of U.S. marriages are mixed race marriages. Their children inherit the best and worst of both worlds. Just last Friday, the black half of Tiger Woods was thrown in jail after the Asian half of Tiger Woods crashed his SUV for the fourth time.
• Tiger Woods announced he's stepping away in order to seek rehab treatment for his addiction to painkillers. It's so tough for people recovering from injuries to stop taking the pills because today's pain killers are so intoxicating. Dilaudid is the drug that makes you actually glad you had the accident.
• The Washington Nationals held their season home opener in the nation's capital Thursday with much pomp and ceremony. The city began fielding a team in the Majors in 1901. However, recently the Epstein list shows that many of the power players in Washington also have an interest in the Minors.
• A Democrat federal judge ordered a halt to construction of the East Wing ballroom after the East Wing was totally torn down and construction begun on the ballroom. It didn't end there. The judge ordered President Trump to resurrect the Ayatollah Khamenei on Easter Day and surrender to Iran.
• President Trump addressed the nation on progress in the war in Iran Wednesday who said the conflict will be winding down soon once all U.S. demands of Iran are met. The negotiations drag on. For a week, the president and the Ayatollah have been communicating through their go-between, Ouija.
• Robert DeNiro showed up in the same courtroom as President Trump at the Supreme Court Wednesday for the birthright citizenship case. You could cut the tension with a butter knife. Loud and vulgar outbursts are NOT allowed in the Supreme Court so DeNiro and Trump had to sit quiet as mice.
• The Supreme Court heard the birthright citizenship case stemming from a clause in the 14th Amendment. In 1866, it gave citizenship to the children of freed slaves. As a comedian I just want to be in the room when one of the Justices tells his unpaid interns not to get any fancy ideas like escaping.
• The Artemis II took off to orbit the moon Wednesday after years of testing in Ohio. The first men to fly a plane, the Wright Brothers, the first American to orbit Earth, John Glenn, and the first person on the moon, Neil Armstrong, were
• all from Ohio. Man will do whatever it takes to get out of Ohio. NASA reports Artemis II will orbit the earth and then fly to the moon and orbit the moon in preparation for a landing on the lunar surface in late 2027. NASA wants to construct a manned U.S. base on the moon where Americans will establish a space colony. The tough part's flying a McDonald's there.
• The Artemis II lifted off from Cape Canaveral on Wednesday on the longest space flight ever, marking a new era in space travel. The astronauts included three Americans and on Canadian. The U.S. decided to bring a Canadian along so we could beat him in space hockey and make it a clean sweep.
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