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• Tiger Woods' mug shot was released by Martin County Sheriffs after he was arrested for DUI following another Tiger car crash. For the fourth time, Woods cut his wheel at full speed, flipped his SUV and then it skidded on its side until it hit a tree. I'm starting to think that's just how Tiger parks.
• A Psychology Today nationwide survey on narcissism named L.A. as the most narcissistic city in America. It never leaves you in this town. I really don't mind getting older, but when I go to the movies or if I order at Denny's and tell them I'm a senior citizen, I do mind that they take my word for it.
• The London Mirror incurred Melania Trump's wrath by suggesting Barron be drafted. Sadly for her, Melania the Movie cost $40 million to make and $35 million to market, but it only made $13 million at the box office. The documentary was such a bomb President Trump is threatening Iran with it.
• Steven Spielberg will collaborate again with Tom Hanks in another movie about Abe Lincoln called Lincoln in the Bardo. The first Abraham Lincoln movie they did together 10 years ago made $275 million at the box office. That was ironic because historically Lincoln doesn't do well in the theater.
• Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill Monday renaming the airport in Palm Beach the Donald J. Trump International Airport. The reaction was so predictable. The next day 50,000 anti-Trump protestors drove out to the Donald J. Trump International Airport and booed the safe landings.
• The Los Angeles Times reported the No Kings Day rally at the federal building in Westwood turned very violent Saturday with leftist protestors hurling bricks at the police. In self-defense one cop shot a rubber bullet that struck a protestor in the left testicle. The good news is, she will recover.
• The TSA agents received their paychecks for the first time in 45 days Monday amid protests by House and Senate Democrats who say Trump had no right to allocate the money without approval by Congress. He issued the pay checks by executive order. Sixty thousand TSA agents celebrated Kings Day.
• Homeland Security reported an ICE agent at JFK Airport in New York saved the life of a one-year-old baby in the airport who'd suddenly stopped breathing Sunday. Not everyone was cheering. Anti-ICE protestors held a right-to-die rally outside the airport and demanded that ICE stop playing G od.
• The Treasury Department announced that new one-dollar bills will include President Trump's signature. It's already a partisan issue. Republicans plan to frame the bill for their office walls, while Democrats plan to blot out his signature with a black Sharpie, so it'll look like he had his name redacted.
• The Pentagon heard official assessments Monday that it may take U.S. ground troops to track down and seize Iran's enriched uranium. I'm so glad we've already won. I could have told Trump that the most difficult part of an eight-week skirmish in the Middle East is the first five-and-a-half years.
• President Trump issued a stern ultimatum to Iran's leadership on Sunday giving the leaders seven days to come to a deal with his peace offer. If the Iranian regime doesn't agree to terms, he threatened to bomb the Mullahs back to the Stone Age. But what would that set them back, 15 minutes?
• Jill Biden's Secret Service agent accidentally shot himself in the leg while in the trailing car to her speech in Philadelphia. The things people do to avoid listening to a Biden speech. Joe and Jill were pictured Monday with two rescue Labs they adopted to keep Hunter and his Meth Lab company.
• Japanese Prime Minister Takaichi Sanae was slammed by Tokyo last week media for dancing exuberantly on camera while she was at the White House and hugging Trump. It wasn't personal at all. Trump just gave her a big hug in gratitude after she agreed to send Godzilla to the Straits of Hormuz.
• The Centers for Disease Controls reported Thursday a new Covid variant is sweeping the world this spring. The variant is causing concern for its ability to evade immunity from past infection and vaccines. None of the men revealed in the Epstein files caught Covid 19, because it was too old for them.
• President Trump cut the Gordian Knot over TSA funding Thursday by issuing an executive order declaring the situation a national emergency, and Trump ordered that TSA agents to be paid. We learned one thing. In this era of sexual neglect, people will stand in line for 4 hours for a little grope.
• Congress remained stalled on paying the TSA after the agents have gone six weeks with no pay Thursday and went off on a two-week paid Easter vacation themselves. As a result, Delta Airlines announced a brand-new flight cabin category specifically for Members of Congress. It's called No Class.
• Houston George HW Bush Airport had passenger lines 6 hours long to get to the TSA security gates Thursday. It was awful here at Burbank Airport. Last week, my TSA line was so long that the guy in front of me started a podcast, gained a following, and got canceled before he reached the scanner.
• Governor Gavin Newsom spoke to reporters Thursday to announce the ringing success of his California crime suppression teams that have greatly reduced street crime. I myself got robbed at the gas station in West Hollywood today. When the police arrived, I was able to identify the thief as Pump #3.
• Jimmy Kimmel caught hell on social media for ridiculing Homeland Security Secretary Markwayne Mullin for being a plumber. When the Comedy Store was closed during Covid, I worked in a short movie with a plumber. I had a brief role as the husband who drives off to work in the morning.
• The IOC announced it will test each athlete's sex for the 2028 Olympics. In last year's Euro Championship, American Chris Robinson won the 400m hurdles despite his penis slipping out of his shorts on live TV. It's the most embarrassing moment in the history of Women's Track and Field.
• President Trump kept the Iranian regime guessing Thursday by offering them a 15-point olive branch while the U.S. Marines and 82nd Airborne moved closer. Trump gave an update on negotiations with Iran to a GOP fundraiser Tuesday and said he was offered the role of Supreme Leader. Did Diana Ross die?
• CNN reports Trump might send 10,000 ground troops to the Middle East. That's on top of the 82nd Airborne and U.S. Marines en route. I don't want to say invasion is imminent, but on Friday at two presidential libraries in Texas, Donald J. Trump was named an honorary member of the Bush family.
• Saudi
• Arabia's Crown Prince urged President Trump to go all the way and change the Iranian regime in this war. He's certain the Ayatollah will keep building nuclear bombs to try to avenge his defeat. Nothing's scarier to me than a disfigured, impotent amputee who's willing to die for his country.
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