Musings

Hard-earned wisdom passed on at no charge

By Garrison Keillor

Published April 22, 2024

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There never was a bad nap. I pass this wisdom on to you, as an old man who has experienced more disappointment than you'll ever know and it took me 75 years to learn how to deal with it: you lie down, close your eyes, and wake up feeling better.

I used to eat Wheaties because they sponsored "Jack Armstrong, The All-American Boy" on the radio back before the rest of you were born and a men's quartet sang, "Have you tried Wheaties? They're whole wheat with all of the bran. Won't you try Wheaties? For wheat is the best food of man."

Jack traveled the world foiling the evil plans of villains, and Wheaties were made by General Mills, based in Minneapolis, and Jack was based on a student at the University of Minnesota, which I intended to attend (and did, and graduated with a B.A.), and I was loyal to it for years, but last year, the most profitable in General Mills's history, they jacked up the price of Wheaties to $8 while reducing the food content, and I felt betrayed and I haven't put a spoonful of the Breakfast of Champions to my lips.

The cereal in the box is worth about a dime, the box itself about a quarter, and the rest goes to enable a battalion of execs to own homes in Minneapolis and Aruba and Aspen and fly to Paris for a weekend. Nothing to do with foiling evil plans.

This disappoints me and I lie down for twenty minutes and the feeling passes though the boycott continues.

I feel the same way about the University, having learned that the football coach's salary is ten times that of the U's president. Not another penny should they expect from me. A nap ensues, and I go on to other issues.

Sometimes I'm stricken with dread that I will trip on a molehill and fall and hit my head on some geologic formation and suddenly I'll be unable to spell "isosceles" and "insouciant" and "Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin" or remember the name of my cousin Joyce's husband or be able to stand on one foot for thirty seconds and I'll be on a downhill slide toward becoming a burden to others and my beloved, a skilled musician, will feel obligated to become a caregiver. Yikes!! But I lie down and in a little while, dread evaporates.

Mostly I live in a comfortable bubble, enjoying my morning coffee, avoiding bad news that's beyond my power to affect, bloody wars raging in Ukraine and Gaza, brutal civil wars in Myanmar and Africa, waves of migrants trying to escape violence and poverty — I am mostly oblivious.

The Christian missionaries who set out to save souls in Africa and South America saw the world much more clearly than I do. The Ecuadorean moms selling candy bars in subway stations know more about real life than I do. A person could walk along the little shops in low-rent neighborhoods and talk to immigrant entrepreneurs and learn more about the world than if you went to grad school for a Ph.D., but nobody I know does.

New York City felt an earthquake centered in New Jersey that measured 4.8 on the Richter scale, a slight tremor compared to the 7.4 quake on Taiwan. Some news reports used the verb "hit" but what I felt was only a vibration similar to what you feel standing on the corner as a bus goes by.

A few days later the city went all out for the semi-total eclipse of the sun. Crowds gathered in Central Park, the manufacturers of eclipse glasses got rich, and my beloved was tremendously thrilled by the whole astronomical experience. It was a joyful communal experience for millions.

For me, looking up at the darkened sky to see a tiny pinpoint of corona was a huge disappointment. I was expecting to be transformed in some way, and if not Raptured, at least enlightened, but the thrill was a good deal less than what I get from the average candle in the dark.

The eclipse occurred around 3:20 p.m. and I lay down around 4 and felt much better by 4:30. If this column has disappointed you, go back and read the first paragraph.

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Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality. His latest book is "The Lake Wobegon Virus: A Novel". Buy it at a 33% discount! by clicking here. Sales help fund JWR.