Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

GET ARGUS' DAILY SMILES TO YOUR INBOX. SIGN UP FOR THE JWR UPDATE. IT'S FREE. Just click here.

• The National Park Service hosted an event at Appomattox Courthouse to mark the day the Civil War ended. The capital broke into celebration which prompted First Lady Mary Todd Lincoln to confront her husband with one angry question. Would it KILL you to take me to a show once in a while?

• ABC's Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and Theresa Nist announced they're divorcing just three months after their TV marriage. Some of us just aren't designed to live in a double harness. In my long dating life, I've learned you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.

• The National Weather Service reported that Saturday's rainstorms arriving in California made history, giving the state the largest two-year rainfall total ever recorded. There was a more ominous storm in the Middle East Saturday. The Weather Channel reports the 5-day forecast for Iran is two days.

• CBS News broke into its coverage of the Masters at Augusta on Saturday to report that Iranian drones were fired from Iran aimed at Israel in Iran's first direct attack on Israel. The attack didn't just incite anger among Jews and Muslims. A good way to infuriate Anglo-Saxons is to interrupt the Masters.

• Israel acting with U.S. military aid shot down hundreds of missiles headed to Israel Saturday fired by Iran. Consequentially diversity, equity and inclusion can only go so far. I'm afraid the reason that there are no Iranians on the crew of the Starship Enterprise is because Star Trek is set in the future.

• Tiger Woods set a new record at the Masters Tournament over the weekend by making the cut for the twenty-fourth straight year. It capped another heroic comeback. I think Tiger can attribute his success to using three drivers, two in his bag and one to take him back and forth to the golf course.

• Boeing last week was accused of ignoring a whistleblower's complaint about the manufacturing process for the Dream Liner, causing more worries by the major airlines. Delta just announced it is changing the way it boards its passengers. From now on they'll be entering through the missing door.

• Bobby Kennedy launched a media blitz to try get his name as an Independent candidate on all the state presidential ballots this fall. The Democrats are doing all they can to block him. Not only did Biden refuse to give Secret Service protection to Kennedy, he's considering pardoning Sirhan Sirhan

• President Biden trailed in the polls in all the swing states Thursday, raising the prospect that Joe could lose the election this fall. His rhetorical skills provide comedians like me our daily bread. Reacting to last week's big news President Biden expressed his wishes that Homer Simpson rest in peace

• The L.A. Times chronicled the life and death of USC and NFL superstar and likely murderer O.J. Simpson who died in Los Angeles last week. This is what happens when you bring a knife to a cancer fight. O.J. died of prostate cancer and a few hours later, an L.A. jury found the cancer not guilty.

• O.J. Simpson's estate executor told the Las Vegas Review Journal newspaper Saturday that O.J. wanted to make sure the Goldman family gets nothing. They already got one thing. When O.J. was found liable in the 1997 civil trial, Fred Goldman became the only Jew ever to win the Heisman Trophy.

• The Las Vegas Sun recalled when O.J. was in Nevada prison he was so well liked by inmates that the racist Aryan Nations gang invited O.J. to play 1st base on their softball team. You can't make it up. Climaxing his life of athletic glory, O.J. Simpson became the Jackie Robinson of Nazi League Softball.

(COMMENT, BELOW)