Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

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• Daily Variety reports Fox News demolished CNN and MSNBC in viewer ratings in the excitable cable news world. Whatever your choice, don't miss this breaking news from all three cable news channels. Tonight the moon will be visible from the earth, and the last time this happened was last night.

• Winston Churchill Day in America was marked by TCM airing the 1972 movie Young Winston on Tuesday, the date JFK granted him U.S. citizenship in 1963. He lived to age 90 and drank brandy, Scotch and champagne all day and night for seventy years. There should be a statue of him in Nashville.

• Morgan Whalen was arrested for tossing a chair off a building in Nashville while drunk. He's in the right profession. As a group exercise while I was in rehab, I once wrote a very creative and detailed suicide note, and the next thing I knew, it was the number-one country music song in America.

• Fox News declared that Americans were united by the eclipse that did something politicians are unable to do. It slowed down global warming and gave us all something to look up to. Joe Biden came outside and saw his shadow and then tripped over it, and that means six more weeks of slapstick comedy.

• President Biden proposed a new student loan forgiveness program despite the Supreme Court's striking down Joe's last attempt to relieve young adults saddled with college debt. Their plight is nothing if not slimming. Today the most popular and effective diet in America is air and student debt.

• The New York Post reports bandits in Brazil are kidnapping women and harvesting their butt fat, then selling it black market to Scandinavian cosmetology labs that use it to make facial filler. It sells for several thousand dollars as ounce. Jennifer Lopez just realized she's been sitting on a gold mine.

• The National Medical Library reported bio-tech research into the contamination of tap water this week. They probed 159 samples of tap water worldwide and in 81% of the samples, the scientists found microscopic particles of 12 brands of beer. Southern Baptists just realized they are going to Hell.

• Newsweek posted a video taken by a Malibu restaurant diner of Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift having lunch at the trendy Nobu restaurant last week. The video shows them in such an animated conversation that it looks like a loud argument. If this is true it's going to make a hell of a double album.

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