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Shame is a common and important emotion. It tells us we have done something that may cause us to be ostracized by others. This fear of social exclusion motivates us to behave in socially acceptable ways.
But when a person frequently experiences shame (especially as a child), they can develop trait shame or shame proneness. Shame becomes part of their core identity. As a therapist, I have seen this in many of my patients. They begin to see themselves as inherently flawed, and the shame manifests in critical self-talk: “I am terrible, unlovable, unfixable.”
They also learn to expect shaming from others and will isolate themselves to avoid showing what they consider their flawed selves. Or they may hide their real thoughts and feelings and present an inauthentic version that they believe others want them to be. Some attempt to cope with their intense feelings of shame and loneliness through maladaptive strategies such as substance use, eating disorders or unsafe sexual behaviors.
Shame is also associated with other mental health issues such as depression and trauma.
Fortunately, there is an increasing understanding that treating shame itself is beneficial. And shame responds well to many therapeutic interventions. Here are a few that have helped my patients.
• Separate your self from the feeling
For many people, shame feels like who they are, rather than something they experience.
By separating the self from the overwhelming feeling of shame, we can start to see and interact with it as a separate entity. I ask patients to describe their shame as a person, animal or object outside themselves.
One patient described his shame as fleas on his body. Growing up poor, he often went to school with flea bites all over his legs, which led to cruel bullying. As an adult, ashamed of his past and fearful that people would treat him similarly now, he avoided talking about his past.
In therapy, he learned that while he suffered from flea bites as a child, he was not those fleas and that fleas can be removed with some effort. He practiced reciting a mantra: “I am not the fleas.” This eventually created enough separation for him to notice and observe the “shame fleas” without becoming consumed by them.
• Deconstruct the shame
We are not born with shame - it is learned. By identifying the origins of our shame, we can further separate from it and reexamine and critique it, which research shows can help reduce feelings of shame.
As a child, one of my patients was told by his mother that he was spoiled simply because she cooked him dinner every night. She would frequently remind him that she often went hungry as a child so he should be especially grateful for the food she made him. This constant shaming resulted in him hiding his needs from others for fear of being seen as “spoiled.”
We worked together to revise how he saw the situation. His needs were not wrong, and he was a victim of unfair shaming. While he held compassion for his mother’s difficult upbringing, he also allowed himself to feel anger at her for taking out her pain on him as a child. He practiced reminding himself that it is okay to be taken care of, and he eventually allowed others to be there for him in ways he had always needed but had always feared.
• Cultivate self-compassion
Once my patients separate from, and no longer identify with, the feeling of shame, they don’t know what to replace it with. They have believed the narratives around their self-criticisms for so long that letting go of those beliefs is scary.
I recommend self-compassion, or a caring and positive attitude toward oneself amid any failure or perceived shortcoming. Studies support the healing power of self-compassion, and there is a simple way to build it.
A lovingkindness meditation even a few minutes a day has been shown to significantly increase self-compassion. The meditation is simple, and there are many sources online that teach variations of these steps: Come up with three or four phrases offering compassion; say those phrases to yourself; and observe and familiarize yourself with the warm feeling of compassion in your body. You also can offer these phrases to others in your life.
But for those prone to shame and self-criticism, this order does not work. Saying positive words toward themselves often triggers feelings of shame and self-loathing. They bristle at the idea that they are lovable since they were never treated as such.
Instead, I suggest starting with someone with whom they have an uncomplicated and loving relationship, so they can first experience that feeling of warmth and get familiar with it.
One of my clients who suffered horrific abuse as a child developed a shaming part that constantly told her that she and all humans were inherently selfish and cruel. She also thought compassion was for the weak, and when I suggested a lovingkindness meditation, she scoffed at my naiveté.
I led her through the exercise, but instead of focusing on herself, I directed her to extend compassion toward her beloved dog. This caused her to feel the warmth of compassion in her heart, and she teared up. This was a feeling she was supposed to get from her caregiver, I told her, and it was deeply unfair that she was not loved as a child.
With more practice, her shame reduced and was replaced by healthier feelings of anger and sadness for her lost childhood, as well as compassion for herself for the suffering she went through.
• Shame as a call to action
Shame can lead to avoidance or repair. Avoidance perpetuates and reinforces shame and the associated feelings of hopelessness and low-self worth. Avoidance is often fueled by a belief that mistakes are irreparable, and it is better to not try.
Repair helps us overcome shame. By separating from and deconstructing our shame, we can hear what it is trying to tell us. And self-compassion can help us remember that all people are fallible. It is only by being willing to make mistakes and learning from them that we can grow.
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Jason Wu, PhD, is a psychologist with a private practice in the Bay Area.