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• Billboard magazine editors in Hollywood announced they will celebrate Latina recording artists with a show in Miami in May. To kick it off Monday, the editors selected Shakira to be Billboard's Woman of the Year. She hated to stuff the banana inside her yoga pants for the interview, but it worked.
• Joe Rogan slammed transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney Monday as an attention whore. The past three weeks, Mulvaney's posed as a sports bra model for Nike, a beer endorser for Bud Light, and the make-up model for Maybelline. Watch for Dylan Mulvaney tonight on Fox News as Johnson Tucker.
• Politico forecast that the 2024 presidential race could be the most divisive election since the Civil War. Cable news channels and social media will be at each other's throats every day if Biden and Trump get nominated. CNN and Fox News just released an exit poll, and that's just the anchors leaving.
• President Biden leaned into the microphone and announced that he's running for re-election as President of the United States Tuesday. He added angrily that MAGA Republicans are existential threats to democracy. He was then told to pull up the second window and pick up his Sausage McMuffin.
• The White House posted a slickly-edited video Tuesday showing President Biden announcing his 2024 campaign spliced with ominous video clips of Trump supporters. It gave me nasty flashbacks when six times during the speech, Biden said let's finish the job. How often have I heard that after sex. Donald Trump on Saturday displayed a real affection for Bill Clinton saying Hillary made a big mistake not deploying Bill against him in the 2016 campaign. Bill Clinton vs. Trump would've been the Super Bowl of Womanizers. Imagine a campaign that features a coin flip for the moral high ground.
• The Auto Club forecast a record fifty million drivers on the road Memorial Day weekend. It has been brought to my attention that stick figure decals on your rear windshield represent your family members, not your number of pedestrian kills. So I just hastily removed mine since I have no wife or kids.
• The Discovery Channel is starring Raven Smith of Chicago in the survivalist series Naked and Afraid. She just spent two weeks isolated in Colombian mangroves. It's a fact today that humans can survive three weeks without food and three days without water, but only three hours without Wi-Fi.
• Hunter Biden was mobbed by fans in Ireland oblivious to the sex and drug-fueled revelations he exposed to his cell phone camera. If there were cell phone cameras when I was young, it's not all the booze, women or cocaine that'd cancel my presidential campaign. But if I emcee ONE Minstrel Show in blackface back when I was in the sixth grade in 1963, the best I can do is Prime Minister of Canada. Anheuser-Busch said Thursday it plans to spend heavily to repair the damage done to Bud Light after enlisting a transgender celebrity's marketing endorsement. The transgender controversy is even starting to influence country music. George Strait's new song is called All My Exes Changed their Sexes.
• The Hollywood Reporter noted that Tucker Carlson and Don Lemon hired the same L.A. lawyer Monday to enforce payment of their contracts. Our culture is roiling right now. Tucker's future is unknown, but Anheuser-Busch just hired Don Lemon to be the advertising face of its new beer, Bud Gay.
• Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson hired the same L.A. attorney to secure the money due them in their CNN and Fox News contracts. Their personalities are legendary. Tucker is such a libertarian his favorite salad is Lettuce Alone, while Don Lemon is Samuel L. Jackson after drinking a Bud Light.
• Anheuser-Busch placed the young woke Bud Light marketing director on leave Friday after she put transgender model Dylan Mulvaney on the cans. Cracker Jack just introduced a transgender version of itself they call Cracker Jill. And you can tell it's transgender because Cracker Jill has nuts, too.
• House Republicans will probe China's attempts to buy up U.S. farms and install Chinese-owned industries in the U.S. Hollywood studios want China to stop stealing and re-making classic American TV shows. They're now airing a TV show in China called The Untouchables, starring the Biden Family.
• New York just enacted a new city noise reduction law that will clamp down on roaring cars and noises that wake up light sleeping-residents and fine violators. Yoko Ono had to move to a country farmhouse because she starts each day with a song. That explains all the cracked eggs in the henhouse.
• The White House was hit by a poll of Democratic voters which shows Bobby Kennedy Jr. leaped to sixteen percent for party nominee in one week. He's soaring despite his admitted past addiction to sex, drugs and alcohol. For Biden to win the party nomination Joe may have to step aside for Hunter.
• House Speaker Kevin McCarthy pushed through a debt-ceiling bill Wednesday to open the door for negotiations with the White House. The current U.S. national debt is thirty-one trillion dollars. The United States has not been attacked by this many Zeroes since the surprise attack on Pearl Harbor.
• House Intel Committee Member Eric Swallwell erupted at a Member who chided him about his past love affair with beautiful Chinese spy Fang-Fang, who honey-trapped Eric and worked him for secrets. They met on Facebook. Online relationships are harmless until somebody buys an airline ticket.
• House Republicans produced an IRS whistleblower who says he can connect Chinese money to the Biden family bank accounts. The voters will never get rid of Joe Biden for taking money under the table. Americans have always believed that a great comedian is worth every penny he can command.
• Politico reports that President Biden's 2024 re-election strategy consists of deploying progressive governors, senators, celebrities and social media stars to do all the campaigning. Why break a sweat? The president is reportedly going to stay home in Wilmington with his wife Jill and his son, Jesse James.
• President Biden hosted a press conference with South Korea's president on the White House lawn Wednesday. That night the administration hosted a state dinner for the South Korean delegation. The Bidens had planned to please the Koreans with a surprise dessert, but somebody let the cat out of the bag.
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