Argus Hamilton's Rogue Report

The Hollywood Reporter reports the Women of the View are the highest rated daytime talk show on television. Every morning, they crucify Trump and banish MAGA Republicans to re-education camps. I think it's hilarious the three angriest people on television are named Whoopi, Sunny and Joy.

• Tiger Woods declined the offer to use a cart to favor his back at this week's Masters. He is striking the ball beautifully. During his practice round Monday, Tiger drove fourteen holes without hitting a tree, and had more money deducted from his car insurance bill than if he had he won the tournament.

• The Department of Transportation had to deal with the bad news of another train wreck Tuesday, the third in a six weeks. This time a freight train going through Montana carrying Coors beer went off the tracks and spilled thousands of gallons of Coors into a river. The fish couldn't tell the difference.

• New York celebrated Trump Derangement Day Tuesday by shutting down New York and calling out forty thousand NYPD cops to manage angry protestors and placate raucous Trump supporters in the street. The message to Americans was crystal clear. Drink tequila, because tomorrow is overrated.

• New York's D.A. charged Trump with an expired misdemeanor without specifying the federal crime that resurrected it to a felony. I'm NOT saying Manhattan is a banana republic operating a kangaroo court. But when you go to Manhattan Zoo and see the kangaroos eating bananas you do start to wonder.

• New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg charged Trump with defrauding voters in the 2016 election by actions he took in 2017. Bragg added that hush money records to a porn star and Playmate covered an unnamed federal crime. The torn off mattress tag found in Trump's wallet probably seals his conviction.

• Stormy Daniels was ordered by a federal judge to pay Trump's legal fees for the lawsuit she lost suing him. I certainly don't judge Stormy for being a porn star. While I was unemployed during the pandemic, I agreed to act in a porn movie. I portray the husband who drives off to work in the morning.

• Hunter Biden's paintings will go on display in an art gallery in the Soho District in New York this week. Hunter's latest painting depicts his father President Biden playing bridge with the Attorney Merrick Garland, FBI Director Chris Wray and New York D.A. Alvin Bragg. The title is Four No Trump.

• President Biden honored Transgenders, who are four-tenths of one percent of the U.S. population, by declaring Saturday to be Transgender Rights Day in the United States. On the next night, even the Country Music Awards featured drag queens. Next year's winner for best song, Stand by Your Trans.

• Current Biology reports Beethoven's cause of death was being researched by German geneticists studying the DNA in the locks of his hair. Fine arts are my blind spot. I just hate it when people at parties try to act all intelligent and talk about Beethoven when they haven't seen one of his paintings.

• NASA on Monday introduced the first four astronauts for the Artemis lunar missions which the space agency will initiate next year. For the first crew they selected a white woman, a black man, a Canadian and a young white guy. It's not just a space crew, that's a family breakfast cereal commercial.

• House Republicans cited the IRS for sending an agent to a reporter's door the day he testified to Congress. It could be worse. I just got a text from a guy named San Jeep Patel who identified himself as an IRS agent ordering me to pay him $1500 in Wal-Mart gift cards or he will place me under the rest.

GET ARGUS' DAILY SMILES TO YOUR INBOX. SIGN UP FOR THE JWR UPDATE. IT'S FREE. Just click here.

• Donald Trump rather recklessly traveled to New York in his own airliner Monday to face charges in Manhattan Court Tuesday. Since his arraignment he's moved ahead of President Biden in the polls. So if I were Trump, I'd fly back to Florida in a spy balloon to make sure I wasn't shot down.

• The New York Police Chief posted twelve thousand New York City cops on the street downtown near the courthouse and uptown near Trump Tower. The cops were shown everywhere. Ironically, Trump was giving New Yorkers more law and order than the last three Democratic Mayors combined.

• Trump's jury pool is 80% Democratic and the trial judge already sentenced his accountant. The odds of Trump getting a fair trial in New York are the same as a straight white male winning a Tony Award. Maybe when this is all over Trump can get a national battlefield named after him like Custer did.

• New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg's critics countered Sunday it was Bill Clinton's lying under oath that triggered legal action, not the $850,000 he paid to hush up Paula Jones. It turned out to be a typical womanizer's screw up. Thousands to settle one suit and not one penny to dry clean another one.

• CNN's Fareed Zakariah warned Democrats that indicting Trump over a six-year-old transaction between two lawyers and not counting it as a campaign contribution only invited future partisan reprisals from Republicans. One thing's clear. Joe Biden's diminished capacity act finally makes sense.

• Florida Governor DeSantis stood by his likely rival and called Trump's indictment prosecutorial overreach Monday. However Arkansas former governor Asa Hutchinson leveraged Trump's indictment to announce his run for the GOP presidential nomination. He's polling one percent, tied with O'Doul's.

• The New York Post reported another train crash Monday in Montana when a train load of beer crashed, spilling millions of gallons of Coors Light overboard. The loss of Coors couldn't have come at a worse time during this week's bitter partisanship. The nation could really use a Silver Bullet right now.

(COMMENT, BELOW)